Ask A Cop


Illustration: Steve Thueson

Dear Cop,

Working at a fast food restaurant, I’ve noticed a lot of rookie ‘want-a-be cops’ coming to get food just to check out one or more of my crew. Ok, ok, some are gang members and what not, but who the fuck works for minimum wage (plus a dollar/hr for grave-yard) and is not trying to better them self›s? These fucking amateur, wan-a be cops are an embarrassment to our society and tax dollars!

I know because I have done under-cover work for a more honorable district than these fucking up-town, fuck ups, that couldn’t restrain them-self’s if they had any training at all.

They serious think they are getting information by eating at out fast-food restaurant? Give me a break, next time I see a fucking cop come to our store, he’s gona get him some fucking real crime to solve!

Yours Truly,  PandyPants

p.s. (it’s like the Sandy police doing radar at the bottom of a hill!, hell fucking lo?, are you that fucking petty or what? If they need help with REAL CRIME, please tell them to contact me!

Dear uh … Pandy … um … Pants:

Evidenced by your formidable grasp of the written English language, I’m hoping my obsequious prosaicism effectuates your postulation … but, I doubt it.

First of all, by “rookie,” the inference is a new cop, correct? So, a young peace officer is checking out your “crew.” I’m imagining that one or more of your “crew” is probably young, hot, and female. So, yes, young newbie cops will commonly check out hot young women, or “crew” as you like to infer. If that’s your supposition as to what is occurring at your establishment, then you should advise those “want-to-be” (I think that’s what you meant), but wait, they are cops, so no longer “want-to-be’s.” Advise those USED TO “want-to-be” but now ARE, cops that the badge will get them pussy, but the pussy will get their badge. Please, remind them rather loudly.

Pandy—I’m going to assume that’s your snitch name, since in the next sentence you admit to working “under-cover”—let’s go with your next diatribe that one of the rookie cops, who eats at your fast food joint, did not listen to “training” and did something naughty, unable to “restrain” himself (or herself, I’m not sexist). I’m thinking that your cop nemesis nailed her (obviously your girlfriend). Your vitriol is now explained (she said you’ll have to search under “acrimoniousness” for that one).

I’m taking your last edict as a threat, Mr. Pants, and all I can say is your ire is misplaced. Just because your hot, fast food girlfriend took up with some cop (who, by the way, makes four times minimum wage) is no one’s fault but your own. OK dude, gonna be honest—she took up with me … and once or twice with Mike Brown. He makes six figs, and I make five times minimum wage, and she told me all the big words to write here … so there.

All of that said, only “rookie” cops eat at fast food joints. Veteran cops know better. No rookie cop is in any fast food place checking out some gang member crew. That’s ridiculous. They’re only in there because they haven’t learned yet that they’re eating boogers, snot, piss, shit and other body fluids––yet.

I accept your offer to help with “real crime” from your fast food, extra dollar an hour, night shift job, but you’re going to have to change your snitch name to something innocuous like “Candy Dance,” or “Randy’s Lance” or “Handy Chance” … something like that.

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