Ask a Cop

Illustration: Steve Thueson

Dear Cop,
What can be done to address the absolute collapse of traffic light observation by Utah drivers? I witness at EVERY intersection EVERYDAY, cars running red lights. Every fucking intersection in this grid planned city. Where do I go to get this fixed? City Council meetings? Do I start a petition to get you retards fired for criminal negligence? Because I also routinely witness this occuring within the vicinity of nearby patrol cars. Do we need traffic cops?

I have a simple solution. It’s not the best, but I believe it would be most effective. SLC needs traffic cameras. The amount money they would generate alone in fines, would pay off our national debt! Imagine what that money could be used for in Salt Lake. I’d also bet the cost of buying and installing them throughout Salt Lake would be paid back within 5 minutes. Rising insurance rates and ticket cost would fix the problem on the “drivers” side of the equation.

I’m not a fan of Big Brother at all and I haven’t done significant research to see if my traffic camera solution is the answer. Please do not answer me with DMV rules of the road or tell me that I’m wrong, because I see you assholes run red lights too!

Sincere thanks for your time!
The Intern George Jung.

Dear George:
Yes, we run them, and hopefully you see the courtesy flash of the overheads as we “blow” the intersection. That’s our way of letting the public know that we’re on something not yet officially declared an “emergency” (Code 3), but your family member, or our brother officer, would really appreciate it if we got there faster than fast. That’s all—nothing nefarious.

Your pro-increased-surveillance stance in this “anti-NSA/big government is watching” environment is interesting.

Yes, almost all Utah drivers are assholes. Hence, Utah has achieved the driving hallmark of “Douche Driver.” I think Utah possessing this classification is an effect of the dominant belief that Douche Driving is celestial and right, and if your driving style isn’t similar, or “acceptable,” well, you’re wrong and not worthy of driving. Other states know that diverse conveyors exist, with different ways of maneuvering—or they might have learned to drive in another environment—and that doesn’t make their “way” wrong, bad or evil, regardless of whether they act on an alternative driving desire.

So, Utah drivers believe it’s their driving way or hit the highway. I believe that driver doctrine is exactly why there’s no traffic surveillance recording in this state. No Douche Driver actually wants a chance at being busted on camera. There used to be recording traffic cameras in this state called Photocop, but a state Senator got one of those tickets and boom, it was gone. The government wanted to install plate readers on the major illicit drug interstate thoroughfares to bust meth traffickers, but Utah said no. I think some of the predominant Douche Drivers were afraid they’d be stopped and then have to explain why they had 900 Roxis in their car.

George, know this: Basically, every cop in this state is becoming a walking and driving surveillance platform. Currently, many cops (soon all) carry constant audio/video recording devices that capture all encounters, including traffic, on their person. The predominants in Utah haven’t figured this out yet. Until they do, and rule against them, you’ll see a lot of your desire for increased surveillance fulfilled.

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