Illustration: Steve Thueson
As a fixed gear street creep, I usually laugh when I see SLCPD piglets getting around on their Treks and Giants. How are they even able to ride if they aren’t in a pair of ball hugging Levi cutoffs? I don’t get it but whatever officer, wear your chino shorts and shit. While I was having a giggle at a pack of piggies putting around on their over-priced mountain bikes made city cruisers, I wondered to myself “how does a cop go about becoming part of a bike unit?” I’m assuming there are rigorous tests and physicals you must pass, but what sort of specific teachings are tailored towards police who opt for a bicycle? Is there a class on how to properly tackle an assailant whilst moving full speed, from the bicycle? I’ve always wanted to see a cop chase down some perp on his bike while navigating some gnarly course. Is there a course with all sorts of obstacles and tasks? Like, thrash your way after this guy down this wicked trail, but stop whenever you see a school bus or an old lady trying to cross the street. I suppose my real question is; what does it take for an officer make the cut to boast the power of two wheels on the mean streets of SLC?
The Fixie Creep
Dear Creep who fixes,
I’m going to do my best at deciphering your prose, but honestly, it seems mostly like gibberish. Wish me luck. I’m gonna take a wild guess and imagine that piglets and piggies are cops, but you lost me at ball hugging cutoffs … chino shorts and shit? What does any of your clothing diatribe have to do with becoming a bike cop? You seem to be a bicycle aficionado, so you know that cops don’t ride the best bikes and certainly not over-priced ones. In fact, some of them are donated. The only nice bikes I’ve ever seen cops ride were those seized from balloon-running heroin dealers, and yes, later tricked out as “city cruisers.”
Here is my best guess at a response to your questions. The bike squad is a “specialty” assignment. When one meets their time for service and experience criteria, they can put in for a specialty squad. Yes, just like a “motor” copper must pass a qualifying motorcycle course in order to be a certified motor traffic cop, in order to ride bikes in a real-world setting, the bike cop must pass a course. Yep, a gnarly course—and I mean rad, “guhnarly” courses with epic obstacles and tasks to shred. As you ride through and over the impediments to success, you have to dismount, run, tackle, shoot, spray, taze and a myriad of other feats. After successfully completing the course a number of times, you’re certified! Not every agency is the same, but that’s mostly the case.
I’m curious, your moniker, Creep—as in issues related to perversion—what exactly do you fix?
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