Ask A Cop


Illustration: Sean Hennefer
Yo Cop,
Think bout this. It’s the year 2022. Despite your best efforts, meth, bath salts and krokodil have taken over your jurisdiction. So much so that users have become true to life ZOMBIES. Everyone you know has been infected, and hope seems futile. Now you gotta take out all these zombies who are beyond help and are killing/eating/freebasing any uninfected human. The outbreak is unprecedented and seemingly uncontainable. What’s your strategy?
In solidarity against the zombie apocalypse,
No light at the end of this flesh tunnel
Dear Zombie Solidarnosc,
I’ll admit, I really don’t know much about zombies other than what World War Z and Walking Dead have taught me, and I don’t have any skills. So, my two bits on this subject are probably stupid and rely on a movie/TV–zombie education. However, I guarantee that my few ideas are based in fact.
Meth has been around forever, and it hasn’t created zombies as described. It has created human misery, tragedy, broken homes, neglected children, etc. … but not a brain-eating zombie, although that might have been better. Bath salts—well, those are unknown chemicals produced in some Chinese lab, and I think zombies would have resulted long ago and haven’t—again, broken lives, but no body-eating undead. Krokodil seems more legend than fact, and all I’ve heard is rumor. Every time “Krokodil is here” has been cried, it ended up being something else. I think the Russians would’ve been battling zombies by now if Krokodil was the culprit. Honestly, everyone in the know has accepted that an alien strain of goo in Reston, Virginia, (à la The Hot Zone) will start the whole zombie breakdown. I’d focus there, if I were you.
The first thing that my zombie education taught me is, no matter the zombies you might meet, real humans will be far worse. Where the rule of law doesn’t exist, there’s no one to enforce a civilized society’s rules. In this hypothetical case, we can count on no one to look out for you or your family’s survival interests—but good people are necessary to your survival. I’d seek out and procure “good” people—no thieves, child molesters, etc. Hopefully, I’d find people with long-distance shooting and winter-survival skills—and, there is no better place to find these people than in the Intermountain West.
A good defensive perimeter always involves your “six” (behind you) being covered. I’d look for natural assistance in that arena, like the top of one of our canyons—maybe Alta. I’d move all my people and material to that area. I think my “go time” would be during the winter. I can’t remember either of the aforementioned zombie shows having full-blown, subzero, drifting-snow episode, but that can’t be good for zombies. You should be able to eliminate boat loads.
It amazes me how close zombie fighters let their targets get. Learn to shoot and procure shooters who can eliminate targets at long distance. That should alleviate movement and stress on you and your material. Zombies seem to gravitate to noise. A .22 suppressed rifle is surgically excellent at a distance and whisper quiet.
Now, my solidarity zombie fighting brother, when you come out of zombie-destruction mode, please pop a flare. My entourage will meet you at the base of the canyon.
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