Ask a Cop


Illustration: Sean Hennefer

Dear Cop,
I have a question. After a bit of research I learned that an eight year vet of “one-timeing” y’all bitches in blue get $30 an hour, almost. $29.95 an hour for a eight year vet. Now that being said, why is it so hard to pay off a cop in SLC? I’m not going to stop getting tickets for speeding. I don’t drive drunk, I’m not a fucking skinner (thats a pedophile) and I’m no Ted Bundy. All I’m asking is how come if I offer to pay that man’s hourly wage, double it even and then some, these “heavenly” “do right” mother fuckers don’t wanna play ball. Street works two pays. Why can you not pay off a cop in this city?
Too Fast for Love

Dear Too Fast,
First, are you serious?  Well, the simpleton answer is that your grammar, punctuation and inability to express a coherent concept are so bad that no cop who’s thinking of “going on the take” will go bad for you. He’d only last a week. Good cops on the take will normally last at least a month, maybe two, three if they’re really lucky and don’t hook up with a dumbass like you.

People who get tickets, drive drunk, fantasize about sex with pre-pubescent children or murder women aren’t the people paying off cops. WTF? Weirdo!

So, who would pay off a cop?  Who benefits from what a cop does or doesn’t do depending on the crime?  Sorry, I have to go back to how ridiculous you are. Even mentioning those above scenarios makes me wonder if you are one of them.  God, I hope you’re one of the first two.

Who benefits, then?  Well, the best example close to home of currently corrupted cops would be cops in Mexico. About nine out of ten cops there are bad. So, why isn’t the same deal working here, you ask?  Well, maybe education and pay would be a start. The average cop in Mexico has a second-grade education and makes half of what the average Mexican worker makes. Here, the average cop has at least an associate’s degree and half of them have a bachelor’s degree. And, they make more than the national wage average by double. Didn’t you say $30 an hour?  How many of your friends make that?  (No, not you. We all know what you don’t make.)

We won’t even get into the benefits and retirement a bad cop here in the USA would lose when caught, and they will get caught. Here’s my thinking about bad cops: it’s like thieves. Thieves are shit, even to each other. Same with bad cops. So, if I’m going to be a bad cop, shit, even to other cops, the deal better be worth a billion dollars. No matter what, I’d still be shit, so I’m gonna be “billion dollar bad cop shit” or not be bad at all. And, I haven’t seen a billion dollar offer around here, ever.

Get it?  Cops in Utah generally aren’t going to go bad for money. Now, if you really want to get one here, the answer is sex. Go get yourself a “hot hoe” and you’ll compromise more cops than you ever could with money. You see, cops’ peckers aren’t cops. So, when presented with a fine vertical smile, all that integrity, retirement and benefits go right out the window.

There’s your answer. What I can’t answer is how your stupidness is going to snag a hot piece of ass to assist you in your corruption endeavor. Cops don’t go bad for ugly.


Illustration: Sean Hennefer