Ask a Cop


Photo: Sean Hennefer

Dear Cop,
I really fucking hate cops.

I haven’t always felt this way about the law and its officers, but a few years ago, something happened that would forever stop me from dialing 911. I’m not a dirt bag, but I fell in love with one once (okay, maybe a few times). One night, I was sitting in his bed as he played Nintendo with some friends in another room, and I found out he’d been unfaithful. I called him into the room and told him I knew, after which he laughed and replied, “So what?” Frustrated and hurt by his reaction, I did something I’ve never ever done before: I slapped him. When I say I slapped him, I don’t mean a handprint-on-cheek, silver-screen slap­­. Like I said, I’d never done it before and I was sitting, so it was more like a face brush without any follow through. You’d have thought I’d just tried to stab him by how he reacted, though. He took my phone and smashed it against the wall, he dragged me off the bed, pushed me into the wall, then back onto the bed, where he proceeded to shove my face into the mattress as he threatened to kill me. He let go, and I ran out of his house as he and his roommates yelled obscenities and threats behind me.

Once home, I borrowed a phone and called 911, afraid that he would show up with his buddies and well … try to kill me. The cops arrived, I explained what had happened, they scoured the area to make sure he wasn’t around, then one of them left to go talk to him. When the cops returned, they told me that he had told them another story: that I had “repeatedly hit” him, and he hadn’t touched or threatened me … and they believed him. The rest is kind of hazy, at that point the adrenaline rush had subsided and a strange numbness took over as I was charged with battery and the cop took my fingerprints. I remember asking him why, and if my ex was getting charged, too. He said something about me being the instigator, and that no, my ex didn’t do anything wrong and had the right to press charges against me.

After three court dates, my court-appointed lawyer (who was in complete disbelief that I was in this situation) got the case dropped the day before my sentencing.

So, officer, tell me: was it right for me to get charged with BATTERY? Was it right for my ex to get off scot-free? Should I have lied to the cops like my ex? Because if I had been a shit bag liar like him and not mentioned the “face brush,” perhaps the law would have worked for my benefit, rather than against me.
—Born Again Vigilante

Dear Vigilante Believer
Let me tell you a story:
I knew a girl whose bad boyfriend choices were the cops’ fault.  This girl was the epitome of a “victim.”  Psychologists have done thousands of studies on her personality type, those who desire abusers … and collect SSI.

I believe this girl wanted help in improving her love interest choices.  She admitted she had a problem by indicating she had chosen poorly on multiple occasions.  Admitting an addiction (desiring pieces of shit for boyfriends) is the first step.  The second step is improving blame accuracy.

A sworn, impartial peace officer arrested this girl for battery when she admitted to slapping her boyfriend during an argument.  And the fine, upstanding young man that he is, he denied smashing her phone or smooshing her face in the bed as she alleged.  In fact, this most excellent paramour claimed she did all these crimes herself when she lost control and slapped him, “that psycho bitch.” 

Now cops can arrest based on probable cause supported by evidence.   And, they can’t arrest for misdemeanor crimes not committed in their presence.  So, this girl’s loving boyfriend actually arrested her.

If this girl had neglected to tell the cop about a “face brush,” he would have informed her, and her boyfriend, that there is no evidence to arrest either party and for them to stay away from each other.

This girl got a public defender who belatedly realized there is no physical evidence of any crime being committed, only a statement of guilt by her emotional and dramatic client. The prosecutor got the case and realized she had no physical evidence, only a statement by a very dramatic, multi faceted girl.  Both lawyers agree, “no harm, no foul,” and the case is dismissed.  This girl thinks her lawyer is a god.  (I’m just glad she didn’t put out any money for this remarkable legal defense).

Vigilante, I believe this girl successfully eliminated drama and piece of shit boyfriends in her life.  I don’t know her name, but I heard she found religion.
Sincerely, Dear Abby Cop

Photo: Sean Hennefer