Dear Dickheads

To Brofessor Alex Brotega.
Listen Bro, You completely fucking missed the point of the broship, goin’ from your article you make us seem like some kind of pseudo-fraternity (without that college education) We’re not a fucking Frat and Fuck college anyways, the Broship is like the school of hard knocks and hard cocks. Anyway, We’re not some brovinistic, one-upsmanship gang of uneducated go-nowhere future Maverick attendants with criminal records for public intox and unpaid fines ..For the Bro-ship, Maverick is not where the Adventure ends... but where it begins. The Bro in Broship is about bro-therhood...Let me explain, Sometimes your bro is just real bronely, and you’re there for him no matter what... Even if he has a raging broner, you just have to bro-up or bro-home and fucking drain that Bro-and-arrow, you know give him a proper brojob..I dont think it’s a big secret that Broship is a little Bro-curious (some might say, “bromosexual”), we’re chemically bro-pendent. It’s not gay it’s partyin’. Bros don’t get pissed when a bro bro-ws a load in another bro’s eye, it’s just part of being a bro.  Sometimes, you know your bro has had a rough day, so you go brocure him a brouquet of broses (brocabulary lesson—a twelver of natty). It’s just part of the holy matriBROny and clearly you don’t understand the hardships involved in that. You really should attend our next Brorientation...But bro-yond all of that. We thought it was a pretty good article.
Master and Brommander, the Brommander and Chief of the USS. Broship

Yo Bro,
Brorry if brour Broship brover brory broffended you, but we did our best in brofiling this brolific brocal brollective within the pages of SLUG. As far as these allegations of bromosexuality, something tells me that’s just your own latent sexual confusion manifesting itself in shit-talk … Not that there’s anything wrong with bromos or anything, but that’s some junior high bullshit right there. The Broship has plenty of haters, but these guys have been around forever and are a big part of our music scene, like it or not. When was the last time you helped a touring band find somewhere to play or let them sleep on your floor? And how many of you really support local bands that your friends aren’t in? If you’re really that bent out of shape by our Broship broverage, just convince all of your friends to start a party gang and get identical tattoos … no bromo.  

Dear Dickheads,
Mainly Nate Perkins and jesust,
You guys all sound like Haters! Yeah, I said it, Haters! I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be so harsh with you. It’s a common misconception people have in the world today; You’re pissed off with organized religion, I get it, but more over, the jerks that seem to be in charge of these so called religions. and the many mindless followers of these hypocritical institutions, But seriously, your anger is misdirected.What did Jesus ever do to you?  I’m sick to death of people using God and Jesus as representatives to push hate. jesust! You’re no better than those assholes who come to gay pride parades holding up signs that say, “God hates fags!” Well, guess what? Jesus loves fags and he loves jesust. It sounds like your old band members were just as unhappy with the same empty feeling you spoke of in your lives too. Obviously puff’ n tuff wasn’t enough. So why be bitter with them over wanting to feel better in their own lives? What’s the problem K.B. ? It’s certainly not J.C. I can tell you that! If a vegan wants to start eating meat, do you blame the cow? Even if your friend did issue an ultimatum, “accept Jesus as your savior or we can’t be friends anymore!” (it sounds like theirs is more to the story than that.) I really don’t understand your logic as a band either. Why would anyone name a band after something you have so much disdain for anyway? Besides the name of your band, if the sentiment is correctly directed, could be, “religiont or O’religioust” (feel free to take any of these please.) At this point, using icons and symbols you have no love or respect for to represent you and your music looks weak. You have a star of David in the band photo, do you hate jews too? Why not represent yourself with what you DO love? weedt? jackt? Hatert? Stonedt? (you can have any of these too) This brings up another point, what weed are you smoke’n anyways? weed usually makes you mellow and happy. Not a bunch of pissed off haters! “#!$& Jesus! Smoke weed!?” Really!? yeah go on, live your devoid life, play your hater music. And Mr. Perkins, You sir, are a poor writer you messed up a 2 paragraph article on a lame band. Learn the difference between a review and an editorial no one is interested in your opinion! I’m sure you got it in at the last minute hence, the editor must have missed that one.
Sincerely, Jesus loves you, Simon is trying.

Dear Jesus,
We’re flattered that you’ve taken the time to read SLUG and felt compelled to write in, but we don’t really give a fuck about your drama with old bromates or your Christian rhetoric.