Dear Dickheads – September 2012

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Dear Dickheads,
I work for the company that prints slug every month. The one thing I look forward to every month at work is reading [Mike Brown’s] article while I’m printing some worthless dribbly for two hours. Thanks for the break and keep up the good work.
P.S. Drink one of those shots paid with a button for me.

Dear Just Kidding,
Aw, thanks! Normally, we’d respond to comments like these by letting you know that you gave us the “warm fuzzies” inside, but since it has been so damn hot this summer, we’ll say you gave us “popsicle fuzzies” instead. Mike Brown has stories up the wazoo, so keep picking us up and we’ll keep helping you pass the time. I’m sure Mike Brown has earned a lot of shots by giving people his buttons—once the economy (finally) crashes, let’s hope that will be true for all of us.

Dear Dickheads,
I would like to comment on your first story in Dear Dickheads [Issue #281 and #284]. I would like to comment how I use to be thin and the cops made me 300 lbs. And I’ve been homeless since 3-12-2012. Do to a pig that kicked me out of my home against the law. I didn’t threaten anyone again. I didn’t have to leave my own property but the bacon eater pigs of Kearns Ut took the law into there own hands and kicked me out anyway. There the Dickheads Im the Homless Queen of all Queens … The pigs of Utah almost killed me several times. They ruined my fucking life. So please Mr. Smith Meth Dealer stay away from me forever … I’m a true believer the cops made me a whore. There use to be a donut shop in South Salt Lake open 24 hrs a day. I use to get hungry after servicing South Salt Lake with my pussy. I waited until the donuts were done and I would buy glazed maplebar and donuts with cream cheese. I am 100% against the law …
Luv Always,
P.S. I hate donuts!

Dear “Anonamous,”
Wow. It’s no wonder you got thrown out of your house—your disregard of spelling and grammar leads us to believe that your rent checks were probably unintelligible. Not paying rent to the correct people can often result in eviction. Also, the cops didn’t make you 300 lbs. We suspect that those who bought you donuts subscribe to the maxim “more cushion for the pushin’.” Or maybe you’ve been doing a lot of bacon-eating yourself, in addition to your donut binges.

We don’t exactly “love” cops either, stuffin’ muffin, but I think they should give you a new home in the big house for ruining donuts, maple bars and cream cheese for the rest of us with the foul image you put into our heads.