Dear Dickheads

Illustration: Robin Banks

Dear Dickheads,
Have you ever had one of those days when you don’t wanna wake up? One of those days when everything is fucked, everybody sucks? And you don’t really know why, but you want justify ripping someone’s head off? Well that’s how I feel when it snows in Utah. How is it that four months out of the year (three months lately, with this global warming bullshit) the Salt Lake City streets are covered in snow, yet every fucktard behind the wheel of a motor vehicle hasn’t learned how to drive in it yet? 98% of the population in this goddamn state own an all-wheel drive Subaru, but still feel the need to drive slower than I can walk. I swear, if shit keeps going this way I just might break someone’s fucking face tonight. Get the fuck out of my way. I’ve got better shit to do than stare at your Coexist bumper sticker.
-Snake Plissken

Dear Fred,
Dude, that’s crazy … I haven’t heard of this problem before. It’s like celiac disease—what else have they been hiding from us? You should post on Facebook, and if you don’t have one, get one! Do you think it has something to do with Subaru engines being constructed sideways? Damn, I didn’t even really think about it, BUT IT SNOWS IN UTAH … Weird. We need more people like you on city councils, bringing up the important issues. Like the Chevy you probably drive, you are like A ROCK, MAN. FUCK! Just kidding—you suck.

Fax: 801.487.1359 • Mailing Address: Dear Dickheads c/o SLUG Mag • 351 Pierpont Ave. Ste. 4B SLC, UT 84101