Dear Dickheads

Dear Dickheads,
I will not waste my time criticizing or insulting SLUG Magazine as 1) it is unlikely to change, and 2) SLUG Magazine probably revels in the letters of shock and repulsion that it regularly receives.
Instead, I will focus on its incorrigible, impulsive vituperations, which, after all, are the things that make bigotry respectable. I wonder if SLUG really believes the things it says. It knows they’re not true, doesn’t it?
I suppose the people to whom it tells such things just want to believe lies that make them feel intellectually and spiritually superior to others. Whether or not that’s the case, SLUG Magazine and its mad theories should be shunned.
To begin with, its invidious ploys serve only to illuminate its lack of good taste and decency. And I can say that with a clear conscience because last summer, I attempted what I knew would be a hopeless task. I tried to convince SLUG Magazine that its permissive attitude toward crude language and gestures, sexual promiscuity, and drugs makes me think that I hold fast to the view that even the most rigorous theoretical framework SLUG Magazine could put forward would not leave it in the position of generalizing with the certainty to which it is prone in its warnings. As I expected, it was unconvinced. To wrap up, I’ll just hit the key elements of this letter one last time. First, SLUG Magazine is against everything and for nothing. Second, my concern is with morality itself, not with the teleological foundations upon which it rests. And finally, SLUG Magazine has no idea what it’s doing.

Dear Anonymous Writer,

It looks like somebody figured out how to work the thesaurus tool in their word program——let me be the first to congratulate you. However, when I look past all of your fancy adjectives, all I can manage to see is someone who probably got their ego bruised. Did we give your boring band a bad review? Did you try to write for us, but plagerized all of your work, we caught you and had to fire you? Are you bitter about it? Well, start your own fucking magazine … And next time you choose to inundate our inboxes with this drivel, at least have the fucking balls to sign the shit.

xoxo, SLUG Mag.

Dear Dickheads,
What the hell is up with the Jazz owners and management? Do they care about winning or having a good team? ‘Cause it’s hard to believe they do. Kevin O’Conner seems to want to do the exact opposite of anything that would help the team progress. Any player that is worth a damn they get rid of or don’t even try to keep and they keep these inconsistent mediocre half ass dudes that don’t even seem to want to win or progress. Damn Jazz management get a fuckin’ grip! What would Larry do? Fire these jerks!
-Pissed Off Fan

Dearest Pissed Off Fan,

Since I care about basketball as much as I care about the fart I just released, I would like to turn this answer to your question into a rant on how ridiculous it is that people care so much about a bunch of overpaid people running around throwing balls around. Instead, consider using that brain of yours to obtain knowledge of things that will actually matter in 10 years or when you’re 60 and our health care system is non-existent ’cause people were too busy bitching about how the Jazz lost that game and why the coaches need to be replaced. If you’d like to keep complaining about this nonsense, you can go to a bar called Dick N’ Dixies on any given night and look for a goofy looking man named Mike Brown and he will be glad to discuss these issues you have about the Jazz and come up with a solution, which will accomplish nothing.

Love, SLUG