Dear Dickheads

Illustration: Robin Banks

Dear Dickheads,

When a group of kids came longboarding into my store and asked me how to remove an evil spirit from their Ouija board, I had to think about it for a minute. There are so many layers of fractal stupidity inherent to the question that it was impossible not to answer it sarcastically. It seemed incredible to me that a group of teenagers would possess within them the power to behold the forbidden knowledge of the Realm That Lies Beyond, but also tragically lack the necessary training to release a bonded spirit from their service. And why did they think some guy working the counter at a board game store would know about it? It’s not like I can afford to go to wizard college. This is why we can’t have nice things.

What kind of irresponsible bastard is teaching kids how to unbind the eldritch fibers that hold together the fabric of reality? What ever happened to the days when teenagers were content to smoke weed and worship Satan?
I get that you’re mad at mommy and daddy for making you go to church, but leave interplanar communication to the professionals, please. And if you’re going to summon a malign presence to haunt your Hasbro Ouija board, at least have the common decency to start a murder-suicide cult to appease the ancient blood gods. Otherwise, leave me alone so I can have more time to tell people we don’t carry Cards Against Humanity.

Level 20 Wizard

Dear Ron Weasley,
Much like your vocation, you seem very … old. Yeah, sure—longboarding is lame and it’s a shame that kids these days don’t follow through to master simple steps in commonplace tasks such as demon extrication in their damn Ouija boards. But Wiz, you gotta take some accountability: Whether your saggy ass wants to admit it or not, you’re an elder and role model for these youngsters. Stop passing the buck and help these kids, buster—magic is your passion! Also, why the hell are you claiming to be a “Level 20 Wizard” if you didn’t even go to wizard college? God, no wonder you’re working at a board game store instead of slayin’ dragons—you’ve probably driven your DM and fellow mages/elves/whatever-the-fuck to resent you, and never completed your training. I’m looking in my crystal ball, and I see a sad, bitter old man with warts, browsing for the perfect creature to be the centerpiece of your commander deck that you just can’t seem to get right. Failure. (Not that you have anyone to play Magic with anyway.)

P.S. You didn’t untap during your untap step, bitch. 



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