Dear Dickheads

Dear SLUG;
Why is it over the past several years you’ve given little to no coverage of the local MMA and cage fighting circuit? You give time to skiing, you give time to skateboarding, you even give the fucking derby girls press every four months. But nothing on us! Its totally cool if you’re pussies and are afraid that if you write a bad review about us (which you seem to be good at), we’d come to your office and beat the shit out of you. But we won’t. We’re not all muscle headed, roid-raging, truck-nutz driving assholes. We’re doing some awesome work getting people out to events, scoring TV deals on cable, and a lot of Utah fighters are starting to make their mark on national promotions. Send us JP, we’ll train him up and he can go head to head with a regular fighter… In the women’s division! Just kidding. Anyway, show us some love!
—Peace; J. Luke

Dear J. Luke,
As you pointed out, MMA gets tons of coverage by the local and national mainstream media. The world does not need another story about pussy-ass, dirty-fighting MMAers. It’s a stupid fad sport (at least here in America anyway), if you can even call it a sport. Plus MMA fighters are just glorified thugs who need an excuse to roll around in the ring with other dudes instead of disciplining themselves enough to learn a REAL sport like boxing.
Thanks for your offer to train a SLUG writer and to put them in the ring— I’m sure our resident tranny, Princess Kennedy, would love to show your boys the correct way to pin down another man. SLUG Magazine’s “women’s division” ain’t nothing to fuck with. Sticks and stones may break bones, but pens can fucking stab you.
Love, SLUG

Dear Beer Issue,
I’m all for the consumption of tasty, alcoholic beverages, but a whole fucking issue dedicated to beer? Ok ok I get it, SLUG is trying to be edgy and beer drinking and brewing is a stick-it-to-The-Man thing to do here in Utah, but don’t you think that printing 80 pages on it EVERY year is a bit much? There’s hardly enough going on in the beer scene here to make the content fresh and interesting. I got bored 10 pages in. The only thing I really enjoyed about it was Travis Bones’ cover, which was fucking rad. Oh, and the Blue Boutique ad, of course. The last couple of those have been spank bank worthy. Speaking of sexy ladies, the photos in the beer issue are pretty much void of visual stimulation as it seems that most brewers adhere to a strict uniform: BEERded, bloated and boooring. I love SLUG because it’s got articles about awesome stuff and the photos are always interesting, but the beer issue…well, it took a couple of beers to get through.
Beer-ed Out

Dear Beer-ed Out,
Sorry you find our beer issue so boring. Stay tuned next year for the heroin issue, which we promise will be a much bigger downer. If you’re lucky, maybe some of SLUG’s most dedicated wordsmiths will die in the process of “researching” and writing our grittiest issue yet!       
Cheers always,

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Fax: 801.487.1359

Dear Dickheads
c/o SLUG Mag
351 Pierpont Ave. Ste. 4B SLC, UT 84101