Dear Dickheads

This is an open letter to the citizens of these United States and particularly to the citizens of the state of Utah.

My name is Barte Hess and I am running as an independent candidate for the office of President of the United States.

I am not a special politically connected person, nor am I one of the 2 Utah connected millionaire types that everyone hears about.

I have entered this race with the intention to win the election and actually try to start a new thought process in Washington, that is not bound by party affiliation or a elitist, disconnected state of mind.

I am just a middle class working guy that tries to pay my bills and keep my family safe. I have a wife of nearly 28 years, a son and a daughter that I love very much and am very proud of both of them. They have managed to get an education and make something of their lives in spite of the rigors of trying to learn who they are.

I know you all want to ask all sort of questions about my views on all the pertinent political issues so I will just give you a little heads up on one thing, I am old fashioned, opinionated and a patriot through and through. I believe in the old fashioned ideals of honesty and being a person that lives by a standard that even I find sometimes hard to maintain. Not that I am any kind of saint, by no means am I. I have learned the lessons of life the hard way at times and I will not say I have lived a perfect storybook life. I have been in trouble with the law, and had my difficulties with money problems, but, I will not say that the lessons I have learned have not been of a great value to me. Those that never learn these lessons do not really have an appreciation of just how good life can be. Those that try to hide them either by legal means or just flat out lying are not the sort of person that I can respect.

You will hear the other political candidates tell you “they know how you feel” over losing your job, over losing your house or just the weekly going to the store sticker shock we all get when we see how much it costs to just eat. I really do understand, I am one of the middle class that lives in this world every day.

I ask for your support in this endeavor to “Take it back”, our country, from the politicians and restore the pride and value of being an American. Please look for me at local events and help me gather the 1000 voter signatures I need in order to get on the ballot. I really do believe it is time to put someone in the White House that understands truly how the people feel.

Barte P. Hess
Independent Presidential candidate 
On Facebook at Barte Hess for President 2012, or via email at

Dear Barte,
I hate to break this to you, but there’s a really good chance that you’re not gonna win. I would much rather have a regular dude who has actually experienced real life running our country, but for some reason, the vast majority of Americans prefer to elect egocentric millionaire dickbags, usually of the white and Christian persuasions. We here at SLUG think it’s great that you’re pursuing this (and not just because your son Eric is one of our writers) and hopefully getting people to actually think about our broken ass two-party system and the overly rich assholes in charge of it. If I were registered to vote, you would totally have my support.
Good luck,