Dear Dickheads

Dear Dickheads,
I am at the ripe age of 19. I can stroll into any smoke shop around this town and purchase enough stogies to take out a lung. I can write in whoever the fuck I feel like on a presidential voting ballot. I can get married and start poppin’ out wee ones. You know what I can’t do? Go see a damn band play live.  Utah’s reasoning behind this is alcohol. You know, that stuff my parents have been guzzling in plain sight in front of me all my life with no harm done. In fact, by eliminating the mystery factor from drinking, my parents have created a girl who doesn’t see much appeal in getting shit-faced. While it’s true that at 21+ venues, some concert go-ers choose to consume too many shots and end up puking in the urinal, it’s not to say that every person would do the same.  All I want is to be able to stand in the crowd at shows and see my favorite bands.  Is it so much to ask? I promise I won’t yell obnoxious things to the musicians, or start a bro-pit of belligerent dancing. Hate to break it to you, but that happens at all ages venues, too, folks. I’m reaching ‘Paying For A Fake I.D.’ desperate. Thanks, Utah’s oligarchy government, for screwing music lovers over and vicariously inspiring an entire generation of closet alcoholics.  Hope the view is good from up there on your high horse.
Chick Bereft of Concerts

Dear Bereft Chick,

Look, no one hates Utah’s liquor laws more than SLUG, but you’re not going to get any sympathy here about your underage gripe. Personally, I can’t stand to be around anyone born after 1985 (and I’m younger than that). There’s a reason why you and your peers aren’t allowed inside those venues, and it’s not just that you can’t hold your liquor: We like not having you there. I remember thinking, “What’s the big deal?” about 21+ venues, and missed some good shows back when I was a wee one, but being able to get into those places with my head held high, with no drooling babies to deal with once that birthday came around was worth it, tenfold. If you’re that big of a music snob, Salt Lake has plenty of awesome all-ages venues. I’ve seen a few bands come through here recently and stay for two nights to cater to the young’uns by playing shows at both Kilby and Urban. You’ll be grateful for those 21+ venues soon enough. Until then, enjoy your youth for heaven’s sake. Those closeted alcoholics don’t get any better once they turn 21.