Dear Dickheads – December 2010

Dear Dickheads,

When I sat down to write this letter, I thought that I would be writing a letter telling Mike Brown, once and for all, how ridiculous his behavior and his column are. On second thought, however, I have no real problem with Mike Brown. My beef is with you, SLUG Magazine, and with your loyal
local readers.

Of course, Mike Brown, you and your behavior and your column are ridiculous and inappropriate. That’s why people like your material. People like reading your column because it is like being in 8th grade all over again, but this time it’s cool to laugh with the weird, kinda smelly kid telling disgusting, predictable jokes, rather than at him.

The problem, SLUG and SLUG readers, is that you keep encouraging the fantasies of this pre-adolescent. Having met Mike Brown, I can honestly say that his ego is as big in person as it sounds in his writing. This is your fault. SLUG editors let the Cop from “Ask a Cop” verbally suck Mike Brown’s dick before asking for his “advice” on a sticky issue. How quaint. And the reply was as absurd as ever.

I even heard someone recently insinuate that women fawn over Mike Brown, trying to get mentioned in his column. Few things are more repulsive to me than the thought of women throwing themselves at grimy, chauvinist Mike Brown to get a pathetically local 15 minutes of fame.

To Urban Lounge and its patrons I’d like to say: Are you fucking kidding me? Hosting not one, or even two, but five “Mike Brown Fests”!? Letting anyone have one “Fest” dedicated to themselves is nuts. Letting someone like Mike Brown have free reign of a bar and create contests such as “poo-ding” wrestling (girls purportedly wrestled in chocolate pudding designed to look like...well you get the idea) and a Mike Brown look-alike competition is absolutely ludicrous. The fact that these events are apparently well-attended makes me want to vomit. In the women’s bathroom at
Urban Lounge.

SLUG readers and staff, I’m begging you. Stop inflating his ego. It can’t be healthy for him, and it’s certainly not healthy for me. I think I’m getting migraines from rolling my eyes at Mike Brown’s column and egotistical behavior. Think I’m overreacting? Go ahead and check this month’s column. I’m sure he’s as arrogant as ever.

–A Concerned Citizen

Dear Citizen,
I’m not sure what you were doing in 8th grade, but most of us here at SLUG were weird, smelly kids trying to make each other laugh with disgusting, predictable jokes. Being the only kid with a poorly developed sense of humor and mild hygiene problems is never fun, and there is no greater feeling in the world than discovering that there are people just as smelly and weird as you. That’s why we like Mike Brown. Even the SLUG cop likes Mike Brown. He’s the stinky weirdo in all of us, cool enough to gain the admiration of pleasant smelling normies, but gross and rude enough that he doesn’t have to be a part of their world. If he can get women of ill repute to fawn over him and somehow convince legitimate business people to let him take over their establishment every few months, there’s no limit to the awesomeness he can accomplish. When he succeeds, it makes us want to succeed. I’m starting to think you might just be one of the many women whose love for Mike Brown has gone unrequited. There’s no shame in being lured in by his enticing aroma, but you gotta realize that there are literally dozens of local ladies on the Mike Brown waiting list. The key is persistence—and a little bit of pudding wrestling never hurt anybody’s chances.


Dear Dickheads,

I want to thank you so much for bitching out that horrible woman who wrote a letter about Queer Prom in the November issue of SLUG. I went to Queer Prom with my gay best friend, and I have never been to a more fun, awesome and accepting event in my life. I had so much fun and everyone was so happy. The best part was seeing all the gay, lesbian, and transgendered couples being able to dance together, kiss, and hug each other without fear of being leered at or reprimanded for showing what they truly felt for each other—love. It was a marvelous event, and even as a heterosexual, I was accepted and I made friends that night just as the Gay Pride Center intended.

So for bitching out the bitch, I commend you. Thank you, from not only LGBT people, but the heterosexuals who accept, love and support them. And if Janice Graham is reading this, then go look up Sister Dottie S. Dixon on YouTube!! Even if she is a character played by a man, she’s a better Mormon than you will ever be.

-submitted anonymously

Dear Anonymous Reader,

No sweat off our backs—belittling the people who think they are better than us is pretty much what we do best here at SLUG Magazine. As far as I’m concerned, it can’t really be considered “bitching out” or “talking shit” when it needs to be said. Creeping outside the entrance of a youth-focused event like Queer Prom is no better than being the creep in the rape van offering underage girls free booze if they’ll hang out with you. Plus, Kennedy can be one sassy tranny and we loved seeing her get riled up over Janice’s letter.

Thanks for giving us a case of the feel goods. Stay awesome, keep reading and don’t stop writing.