Dear Dickheads – January 2007

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Dear Dickheads,

Hi. I’m the “no talent no ethics ass” that SanD was ranting about in her letter to D.D. in last month’s issue. I just laughed when I first started reading it, but at the end when she referred to herself as the Idea room of Pos 4th with a capital “I”, I felt obligated to set the record straight.

First off SanD, slap yourself in the face and get real. I wasn’t trying to steal that hot new super origional bass line of yours. In fact, I was dicking around on a little casio keyboard and was completely oblivious to whatever you were doing. Thanks however, for your generous offer to show me the bass tabulature for your song, but I just can’t seem to find any damn strings on this keyboard, so I don’t think it would be much help. You may disagree, and I’m sure you would love to argue the point, but let’s move on since there are much more important issues at stake here. So everyone at Pos 4th seems to be stealing you music, huh? As a fellow musician, I can only imagine how infuriating that must be. I have a few theories which may help explain why this is happening to you.

Theory 1: Holy shit SanD! Your music is so good that we “lacktalent fucktards” (By the way, anyone remember that band the fucktards? They were awesome.) are all trying to rip it off. In fact, all the metal bands in the building are switching to pop as soon as they figure out that elusive last note. So you better hurry and get your hit album out before we do. Namely, before I do. I’m gonna be rich, beotch!!!

Theory 2: A lot of bands in the building have this fun little game where whenever they hear something really simple and shitty through the wall, they take 4 seconds to figure it out and play it back just to see what the other band does. Perhaps you just suck and everyone in the building is making fun of you.

Theory 3: Your music is just as generic and uninspired as that of many of the bands at Pos 4th, hence you all sound alike. If your bass line is anything as simple as the little ditty i was playing on the keyboard then its probably already the tune to 600 other pop songs, so don’t bother claiming it as your own. Regardless of the reason behind all this bass line banditry, you say you’re moving out of the building. So I guess you won’t have to worry about it anymore. And I won’t have to worry about paranoid egotistical bitches knocking on my door. Its a win-win situation! Stay fresh, and have a good summer. –Scott

Dear Scott, I think the only way to solve this predicament is to hold a good oldfashioned game of cowboy, ninja, bear– best out of three. If you don’t like that idea maybe the two of you should join forces and become a modern day slightly mutated Donny and Marie Osmond. I can see it now … you on the keyboard and her on the bass bickering about who came up with the songs. Then after you’re rich and famous there can a lawsuit. One of you will tragically die after doing a foot-long line of coke off of a hooker’s ass and will jump off the balcony of your hotel. Then your family members can fight over who owns the rights to the music and everything else. Ten years later the surviving member can write a memoir about it and have their book sold at Barnes and Noble next to Courtney Love’s new trashy collection of journals. Welcome to the music biz Scott. It looks like you will have an interesting life ahead of you.

Dear Gentlemen, (dickheads as you call yourselves) I would like to begin by telling you a story. Last Saturday I paid a visit to my local coffee shop. I was alone and looking for something to read. When my eyes met with a demoralizing and inaccurate photograph of Chris Kringle. The photo previously mentioned was located on the cover of your publication. Needless to say I did not pick up the filth, nor did I read any of it’s lascivious content. I would like to say that you should be embarrassed to be involved with a publication that endorses the sexualization of the birthday of Christ (Jesus). I feel it is my civic responsibility to inform you that there will be serious negative consequences for your careless actions. I have eight beautiful children. It would be devastating for them (or any other child) to see their giver of Christmas joy portrayed in such a vulgar manner. I demand that the future issues of SLUG’s magazines feature more wholesome “artwork” on the face of it’s feculent body. Repulsed, repugnant, and ready to vomit, –Hector

Dear Hector, Haven’t you heard? SLUG is run by a bunch of godless heathens. Chris Kringle is the biggest perv I’ve ever heard of and he’s probably a pedophile too. He’s sneaking into little kids houses at night! The whole thing is just wrong. No one would approve of it if it were a Catholic Priest doing that kind of thing. Watch you daughters they may become one of “Santa’s little helpers” if you aren’t careful.