Dear Dickheads – October 2008

Dear Dickheads,

This town sucks!

After a long day of slaving away at my keyboard I decided to take a break and go downtown, have a brew, and unwind.

I went to the pub I could find near the Tracks station where I got off, ripe with anticipation, eager to absorb some local color.

As I walked into said club, eager to soak up said color, a semi-burly gentlemen grabbed me by the arm and said, "you a member?" Shocked, and frankly a little violated, I said nooo... but I have a member. He was like, "you have to be a member to get in." Again I retorted, "I have a member. Doesn't that count?" He was like, "do you have a membership card?" I said no. He said, "sorry, you have to be a member".

So I got back on Tracks, went back home, pulled out my giant rubber dick costume from last Halloween and put it on. I then re-boarded Tracks, returned to the club and began walking in. Again I was grabbed, but not by the arm this time since they forgot to put arm holes in the costume, I digress. Anyhow, again he asks, "are you a member?" To which I respond, "YES, I am now!" He was like, "let's see your membership card." I said, "I wasn't issued one when I bought the suit." He was like, "sorry, I can't let you in".

I then said, "you know, I don't get out much, so take it for what it's worth, but you're totally the biggest dick I've seen in at least the last, say, ten minutes, and quite possibly the last ten years! Have YOU got a member-ship card!?" ...Dickhead.

Why must I be disallowed adulthood so?

James Mellor

Dear James,

That semi-burly doorman should've let you in just because you're so damn witty! I bet no one in the history of the English language has so cleverly spun someone else's seemingly innocent words into a risque reference to genitalia! Kudos! In the future, I recommend bringing a dictionary with you whenever you think you might have to make an immature pun that other people might not understand. If you just stick to that one joke, though, I recommend wearing that super-classy penis costume all the time. Better yet, forget the penis costume! Arm yourself with the dictionary and try out that hilarious member joke out on all of the semi-burly bar doormen in town. If they don't get it, just drop your pants and hand them the dictionary! They'll be so paralyzed by laughter that they won't even care that you're violating all kinds of laws and public health codes. Not only will they know that you're a mature adult capable of handling the effects of alcohol, they'll probably even let you into the bar for free!