An Open Letter in a Flat Magazine to Flat-Earthers

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Dear flat-earthers,

I appreciate a good conspiracy. Rarely do I actually believe a conspiracy I hear about because I’m a big boy who can think for myself, but I do love hearing about alternative reasons to weird shit. Whether it’s how Tower 7 fell down during 9/11, just how and why JFK gave his wife a brain bath, or if we really walked on the moon, there can be an honest level of critical thinking that arises if you can sift through all of the tin foil hats. Alas, there can also be a lot of crazy bullshit and nut jobs.

Hence, you, the flat-earthers. Now, I’m not here to tell anyone how or what to think. I don’t like being told what to believe, so if you really believe the earth is flat, please continue on. Your beliefs won’t effect my day-to-day routine. Sure, I’ll engage in a friendly debate or conversation at the belly of the bar. But if you try to convince me that the earth is actually flat? Well, I won’t think you’re a bad person. I won’t try to convince you otherwise. I will let you buy me a drink, but I will be judging you, in the front of my mind, as a fucking idiot.

Please don’t take that the wrong way, F.E. bros—I think lots of people are fucking idiots. I feel like I’m good at spotting fucking idiots. I know plenty of people who don’t believe in dinosaurs and believe in a weird, boring book instead. And with our new presidential administration—and flat-earthers, too—alternative facts are OK and science is now subjective. We are swimming in a sea of idiocy.

I’ve met juggalos who look like Stephen Hawking when they stand next to you, the flat-earther. They may not know how magnets work, but at least they can admit that.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, let me just explain to other globers (a derogatory term created by flat-earthers describing people who think the earth is round) who may not be familiar with your beliefs what you guys believe.

First of all, the earth is flat. That’s the meat and potatoes of it, but it goes much further. The oceans are surrounded by an ice wall that holds everything in, kind of like the one on Game of Thrones I think, and there’s a dome encompassing the horizon. There’s no such thing as satellites or GPS. And every photo you’ve ever seen of the earth from outer space is a CGI image provided by NASA.

Oh, and there’s no Antarctica because that’s actually where the ice wall would be if the earth was flat, even though there are no actual pictures of the ice wall. This is easily proven by you, flat-earthers, because according to you, there are no airline flights that go over Antarctica. OK, whatever.

The ice wall is just one small facet of flat-earth belief that a flat-earther will debate with a glober, mostly via a Facebook group, until their fingers go numb from typing bullshit. Other topics that globe-heads get involved with in these Facebook discussions are questions like “Please explain the tides” or “How does the eclipse work then?” or “Why are other planets round?”

Each question will spur hundreds, sometimes thousands of replies from flat-earthers. Some F.E. dudes on these threads are just internet trolls; some try to actually scientifically justify the questions with bad math or funny YouTube videos. But the rabbit hole it can suck you down is pretty deep. I could take up the entire word count of the magazine with questions and “answers” between globers and flat-earthers, so I won’t.

I have better things to do that hear you justify how my cell phone works without satellites. But my biggest question to you, Flat-Earther, is what’s the end-game here? Like, you guys keep talking about how round-earth “theory” was created by those evil bastards at NASA. But why? Like, what does NASA have to gain by convincing everyone the world is round?

But seriously, here’s my flat-earth theory. Much like unsolicited dick-pics, flat-earth beliefs seem to have been spawned from the recent dawn of technology. With the help of Google, Flat-Earth seems to be perpetuating itself with the same mechanics of a religion. I’ve noticed a strong Christian undertone from a lot of Flat-Earthers, which comes in handy when arguing against science.

Much like the ice wall, many religious people have never seen the god that they so strongly believe in, which is OK because in Flat-America, we can believe what we want. But I’m willing to bet that some of you guys that are on the cutting edge of flat-earth will eventually become some sort of Internet evangelists. They shall market themselves to other flat-earth believers and take their money via a gofundme account instead of a collection plate, promising expeditions to the ice wall instead of heaven. Jim and Tammy Bakker will have nothing on you. And I seriously think this will happen if it already hasn’t.

Flat or not, us pesky humans sure are fucking up the earth’s environment. If we all quit arguing over stupid shit—whether it is flat-earth, war or religion—and just picked up some trash once in a while, we all would be better off.

Mike Brown

  • Dilettanti Ostranenie

    NASAs space program is going to change which will change the monetary system

  • Rootsy

    Flat Earth is a cult of denial -ist stupidity. It’s easy to spot the fact that the more versed FE morons know they are full of shit. Because there are certain logical pitfalls in their beliefs that they dodge like bullets. They just like pushing the science denial, knowledge denial.. trying to appear all “scary enlightened”. And for whatever reason …..maybe some byproduct of losers w/internet ..there seems to be an army of annoying conspirotards ready to take the bait.

    • Dabbin Good

      Is that all you have ignoramus? Ridicule and ad hominem attacks. It’s one thing to have the prose and writing skills of Mike Brown the author of this article.. but you just come across as an uncreative ignorant arse that got picked on as a child.. and have turned into a keyboard warrior.

      The only cult around here is the one you have been indoctrinated into – the cult of Scientism. And I see that you are doing your Heliocentric preachers bidding, by not questioning and just parroting what you are told to repeat back in school as the Truth – without demanding or even looking for actual SCIENTIFIC evidence that supports it..
      The simple fact is this – There is nothing based in SCIENCE that proves the earth is a magical spinning ball.
      The Heliocentric math (8 inch to the mile squared) clearly dictates that the curvature should be observable and measurable – but it isn’t… So how about you go prove water is sticking to and curving around your cartoon ball..
      After you do that – Maybe you can try to prove that the Earth is actually in motion.. You might want to know first though – that the motion of earth has never been proven. Actually it is the opposite.. It was proven to be stationary.. the excuse they use is it’s relative and undetectable.
      So how about you actually spend time gaining knowledge – instead of just running your beaters….

      “No physical experiment ever proved that the Earth actually is in motion.”
      – Lincoln Barnett, The Universe and Dr. Einstein, 2nd rev. edition, 1957, p. 73.

      “This conclusion directly contradicts the explanation… which presupposes that the Earth moves.”
      – Albert Michelson (Albert A. Michelson, “The Relative Motion of the Earth and the Luminiferous Ether,” American Journal of Science, Vol. 22, August 1881, p. 125)

      “The data were almost unbelievable… There was only one other possible conclusion to draw — that the Earth was at rest….
      – Bernard Jaffe, Michelson and the Speed of Light, 1960, p. 76

      “…to the question whether or not the motion of the Earth in space can be made perceptible in terrestrial experiments. We have already remarked… that all attempts of this nature led to a negative result. Before the theory of relativity was put forward, it was difficult to become reconciled to this negative result.”
      —– ‘Relativity — The Special and General Theory’, cited in Stephen Hawking’s, ‘A Stubbornly Persistent Illusion’, 2007, p. 169.

      “A great deal of research has been carried out concerning the influence of the Earth’s movement. The results were always negative (…) We do not have any means of discovering whether or not we are carried along in a uniform motion of translation…”
      — Henri Poincaré , From Poincaré’s lecture titled: “L’état actuel et l’avenir de la physique mathematique,” St.Louis, Sept 24, 1904, Scientific Monthly, April, 1956.

      “There was just one alternative; the earth’s true velocity through space might happen to have been nil.”
      —– Arthur Eddington, The Nature of the Physical World, 1929, pp. 11, 8

      Flat Earth 2018 – Reaching Critical Mass

      • Rootsy

        Interesting you can only cut n’ paste little out of context snippets of sentences and 100+ yr old nonsense as an attempt at support.

        Let’s discuss is Dabbin.

        Tell me what you believe to be your strongest evidence that the earth is flat. I will attempt to explain why this evidence is faulty.
        I will in turn give you what I believe to be evidence of the accepted heliocentric model…and you can attempt to explain where it is faulty….


        • Dabbin Good

          The very FACT that you cannot PROVE earth is moving… And then have to ASSUME it is relative….

          That is FACT… and shows the ASSUMPTIONS that are used around every corner to ill-logically defend this magical spinning cartoon ball that is taught to everyone as if it was the truth.. when it is so far from it in reality…

  • Dabbin Good

    Dave Brown… don’t you know.. That it is the heliocentric model that has turned society into consuming materialistic ravages of the planet.. We are programmed to think that we are a speck in infinite space. Earth is just one of many potential homes we can have..
    I can honestly say we are Flat and motionless.. and most of the rest is just theory.. But think about it – If we found out there was some kind of firmament/dome/electrical field around us – and space is nothing but a fantasy.. It would change the whole paradigm of thinking – we would become a society that respects the place we live.. We would take care of Mother Earth – and stop damming the rivers.. Fracking our water and chopping mountains in half.. .. Can’t you hear the Earth is screaming? It is time we came back to her..