How I Spent My Christmas/Hanukkah/ Winter Solstice Vacation

Jesus Christ––I’m glad your birthday is over. What kind of bullshit is X-mas in a recession? Normally, I’m quite the festive Tranny, but I found this year to lack the zenith held in Christmas past. My mom and dad gave me one of my alltime favorite presents: They left town. Fabulous—a holiday with no obligation. I decided to follow their lead and take Christmas on the road.

I’ve had a punk-rock holiday band for about 10 years called the Tards. Yule- Tards, Valen-Tards, East-Tards etc. For Christmas this year, I booked a couple gigs in San Francisco, grabbed my best friend Gorgeous Jared Gomez and left for a weekend of punk-rock drag-queen debauchery.

What I love more than a good fete is traveling. I revel in going to other cities and experiencing the night life, culture, sex, food—all of it! What’s more, there exists a code amongst us drag folk: a) Always say and do the first thing that comes to mind; b) You’re entitled to gain entry to any party you want, with all the free liquor you can consume; c) Never turn down anything someone offers you to drink, snort or swallow. This attitude has landed me the nickname of Hurricane Kennedy, Tranny Tornado. Blowing thru a city near you. I mean … fuck it! You’ll never see these people again, right? Plus, if I don’t remember it, it never happened.

The following is “My Christmas Vacation: As Told to Me by Other People.” It was Saturday night and my first gig was at an art-space called Ginger Rubio in the San Francisco Mission District. The Yule-Tards perform punkrock Christmas carols, and as long as I’m coherent enough to remember the “12 Venereal Diseases of Christmas,” everyone is happy. Like a dumbass, I basically roofied myself with the lethal combination of Adivant (which someone gave me for pre-show anxiety), massive amounts of vodka and, for some reason, Amaretto. My first show I remember starting, then a flash of me playing the drums. Problem with that is, I don’t play the drums. My friends should have pulled the plug on the rest of the evening when I handed a total stranger my cell phone and got into a cab for my second gig. Bye, phone. This started the trail of blood, sweat, glitter, feathers, money and dignity as I trailed through the land.

As the story goes, we got to the second venue while my friend’s band Smashup Derby were finishing their set, so I decided to join them. Most people might think it polite to wait for an invitation. Not me, I jumped right on the stage. I gave out hugs for all those playing instruments and then go-go danced them through the rest of their set. Again, I barely remember mine. There is one moment of clarity where I remember having my head in a wrapped box. I have no idea why I had my head in the box and no one can seem to tell me either. Jared, God bless her, wasn’t partying like I was. She said that I seemed to have it surprisingly together and didn’t realize I was in a blackout. Even if she’s lying, I love her for sugar-coating it. Poor Jared twisted her ankle while dancing in hooker heels on a raked stage while I was busy dancing my ass off in a go-go cage. Before she could find me, I got invited to the party of the year by a bunch of hot, artsy boys. A socialite in town was having her outrageous 24-hour glamfest. Booze running out of the faucets, hottest DJs in the city and breakfast in the morning if you made it that long. That’s when I lost the friend I brought with me from Salt Lake. Sorry, Jared.

This stupid socialite party, of course, had a guest list I wasn’t on. Remember D.Q. rule of conduct B? See, it doesn’t really matter if you were invited to the party. You need to find a wall to scale, a window to climb into or, as in this case, a side door to walk in like you own the joint. I definitely don’t remember being forcibly removed by security. I left that party with the art fags and from there have vague images of being in a hot tub. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in a stranger’s bed wearing a wig, high heels (not the ones I started out with) and someone’s leather jacket. I found my dress next to the hot tub where I realized I had no phone, wallet or credit card. (Personal thanks to all of you that responded to my 911 post on Myspace for Jared’s number.)

The walk of shame is a great way to get to know a foreign city. When you have no alternative than to navigate your way through a city for two miles wearing a mini dress, lace tights, someone else’s shoes and a stolen studded leather jacket at 10 in the morning, you learn your way around real fast.

Believe it or not, it all turned out OK. The stranger gave my cell to a friend. The drummer of Smash-up found my purse under his kit and Jared had limped out of the bar an hour before I did. So as you can see, even though my unhealthy lifestyle will probably be my untimely end, I don’t usually have to pay any consequences. That’s why I love being a hot tranny mess. Ain’t no shame in it. If you want to see the tornado in effect, just go to watch?v=hwf--R2Mb98 to get a snippet of one of my holiday jingles with the band.

My second motive for visiting San Francisco this X-mas was to hang out with my friend DJ Javie Nature Boy. He will be the featured mix master at The Sundance Film Festival’s New Frontier gallery on Park City’s Main St. I was going to find out all about the cool things he will be a part of. Alas, if we talked about it, The Tranny Tornado doesn’t remember.
However, I do know that the New Frontier gallery will feature cinematic installations and live media performances. Work by these artists is created outside the traditional world of filmmaking, which I think is very cool. That is where I’ll be carving my path of destruction this year. Please come by, have a cocktail and see what’s going on in the space that touts an art gallery with a lounge, stage, bar and music in the evening with world-renowned DJ Javie Nature Boy. That is, if you think you can keep up.

The Sundance Film Festival’s New Frontier
333 Main Street (lower level)
Friday, January 16 - Friday January 23, 2009
Noon to 8:00 p.m.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Noon - 3:00 p.m.
Free and open to all Festival credential holders and the general public as space permits.