Inversion Trawler: HURRICANE DELILA AND TEMPEST X BLOW IN – October 2008

Cue spooky theme music, we've really gone through the looking glass. Concerning the supernatural or the paranormal, Boo and I have always operated with the somewhat patronizing attitude of, "Cool, weirdness and weirdos. We love it!"
Having recently discovered that Boo and I are either suffering from the same bonkers hallucination, or we really do have a flapper-renegade-spirit-guide named Murgatroid who drowned herself in The Great Salt Lake from grief over the sudden death of Rudolph Valentino ... we've been feeling a bit uh... delicate. It seems the foundations on which we built our reasoning have experienced liquefaction and our ideas about the world have sunk or gone wonky. Into this environment has blown Aunty Delila and her daughter - our cousin Tempest.

Aunt Delila is one of the five Dripdry sisters which includes our mother, Aunt Leona, and Aunt Kate. There is also Aunt Charity who lives in New York City and describes herself as a "CORPORATE POWER BITCH." We rarely see Aunt Charity because her career is her life and she always seems to be swooping down on smaller companies and sucking the blood out of them. Delila is a force of (super) nature. She's the most intelligent, energetic, humorous, caring, vibrant and beautiful person on the planet. She's even more glamorous than Aunt Leona, but in a more golden-age-of- Hollywood way. She's always laughing � even at bad news! Everybody loves her, or envies her and on the rare occasion that somebody attempts to insult her, she'll quickly but gently put that person in their place and then laugh and laugh and laugh.

So a few nights ago, Boo and I were out-cold asleep. It was 3 a.m. Our bedroom doors face each other across a narrow hallway. Suddenly and loudly, our doors were thrown open and a wailing sing-song of a voice yelled out, "WHO DO I LOVE SO MUCH IT MAKES MY BUTTHOLE SING OPERA?!" There in the hallway was Delila. I could see through my murky, sleep-covered eyes that she had our little brother, Foulkswrath, in her arms and was administering to him the all-overnon- stop-kissy-kissy-torture. From across the hall I heard the wet-cat wail of Boo exclaiming, "Oh sweet Jesus! Don't tell me about your butthole." Delila erupted into laughter, launched herself into Boo's room and pounced upon the bed. To the loud cacophony of squeaking bed springs, screeching Boo and Foulkswrath, kissy noises, and laughing Delila saying things like "rise and shine you lazy loafer, Delila is here and she wants a WARM WELCOME!" I dragged myself out of bed. When I started across the hall toward the melee in Boo's room, I discovered that something was lurking down at the end near the stairs. It was draped in an oversized hoodie looking like a phantom monk. It was wearing sunglasses and a pout. It was Delila's 18-year-old daughter and our cousin, Tempest. I said "Howdy, Tempest" and she replied with a nod and a mumbled, "Heya ..."

Delila has homes all over the world but lives mainly in London. She started traveling the world soon after emancipating herself at age 16 (I say emancipating herself because she didn't bother with the legalities of it). She just said, "I'm going. See ya later," and went. She's had three husbands, including a famous music producer, an industrialist billionaire, and some sort of British Aristocrat vaguely related to the Royal Family. The aristocrat guy is the father of Tempest and the head honcho of a monster company having to do with public utilities or something. In the three divorces and with her own shrewd business sense, Delila pulled together vast wealth. She probably really is richer than the Queen as the British tabloids like to suggest. Being Delila, she's also stayed on excellent terms with all of her ex-husbands. Tempest, who we've met only twice before, is apparently THE huge pop-star of the moment in the UK and most of Europe. She's known as Tempest X and recently won one of those horrible TV choose-your-pop-star-by-payinglots- of-money-to-call-and-vote type scams. She can actually sing, but the music she's pushed to make is boring and soulless and more about her look than her singing abilities. Boo has told her as much, and I'd guess that might have something to do with Tempest's lurking at the end of the hall and keeping her distance.

The next morning, Aunt Delila filled us in on the reason for her surprise visit. This is how she put it: "I know that the gossip press is all part of the business for Tempest, and I know she's a big girl and can take care of herself, but it was just getting to be too much. That self-serving, publicity-seeking turd is going to wake up with a bad home perm once I get ahold of his few remaining follicles hah ha ha ha" (she's talking about a politician who was photographed at a party once with Tempest and then promptly had his PR people construct a sensational tale of illicit affair around the photo. The papers ate it up, the politician saw his ratings go up, wife and all, and Tempest sold a trillion more CDs and hit the top of the charts again). The press was hounding Tempest so badly that even she was starting to crack up. Delila has always been absolutely discreet about her private life and the media has never guessed that she comes from Utah. She likes to let them guess and assume about her background, saying it's all very My Fair Ladyish. She's been given Boston-area origins with connections to the Kennedys. Delila decided that Tempest needed a break and some perspective , so she virtually kidnapped her and whisked her away to Salt Lake City where they'd never be found. And nobody here knows or cares who the hell Tempest X is.