Inversion Trawler: Love Infinity – November 2008

I was wrong when I said that nobody in Salt Lake City knows who our cousin Tempest is. It turns out that Sci-fi man, being British himself, keeps up on British pop culture. Aunt Leona, Tempest, Boo and I took a little trip to the downtown library in search of DVDs for movie night. We came upon Sci-fi man who was standing close to a full sized cardboard cutout of Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz and delivering his science fiction spiel to a poor bedraggled woman wearing ill-fitting stirrup pants. I approached him saying, “Hey Stewart, this is our cousin from London,” and motioned toward the trio behind me. I glanced back to see Leona desperately trying to detour Tempest and Boo down an aisle while loudly whispering, “Don’t talk to him. PAHLEEEASE don’t talk to him!”

Sci-fi glanced first at me and then at the others. Unexpectedly, he let out a loud girly scream and called out, “TEMPEST X!” He held a hand out in front of him as if he were about to touch a phantom to see if it was real, and advanced toward the three girlies in a weird, slow-motion trot. Leona squealed and ran away, Tempest stayed frozen to the spot with a growing look of horror covering her face, and Boo burst out laughing, saying, “No way! No, ha ha ha, way!”

In a high-pitched sing-song, Sci-fi man began loudly singing out, “Our love, oh oh, will endure across all space and time.” He reached Tempest and set his hand on her shoulder. Tempest stared down at his hand in terror as if it were a tarantula. In his best and most pretentious RP British accent, apparently thinking it would impress our cousin, he continued, “Your song, “Love Infinity,” has been my favorite of the new millennium so far. Number one in the United Kingdom for 13 weeks!” Boo turned to Tempest and laughed out, “That’s your song?"

“Love Infinity”? Ah ha ha, holy turd dip au jus, that’s the cheesiest thing I’ve ever heard.” Tempest shot back defensively, “I didn’t write it. My producers chose it for me. Stupid people love it and buy it by the lorry load.” At that, Sci-fi gasped dramatically and recoiled, putting the hand, which had been on Tempest’s shoulder to his heart. “Young lady!” he exclaimed, “ I am in no way a ‘stupid person.’ I’ve purchased all your singles and albums and have stood fast as a loyal enthusiast of your artistry.” Tempest choked on her foot, which was plainly filling her mouth. She attempted to apologize, but got over-flustered and just started to cry. Initially, it came in barely contained sniffles, but very quickly land-slid into full sobbing meltdown. Her body and whole being went limp and a flood of tears and snot flowed down her face and hands. Boo, Sci-fi and I stood stunned, watching the scene. The more Tempest tried to keep her crying quiet and contained, the louder it got. She was gasping for air between long, drawn-out wails. It was obvious that there were issues beyond her interaction with Sci-fi man that were powering this super-volcano eruption of emotion. Sci-fi stepped toward her and set his hand back upon her shoulder. At that, Tempest surprised us all by hugging him tightly and burying her face in his shoulder. Suddenly there was Leona, summoned by the cries of Tempest, flying up the aisle to the rescue, pointing at Sci-fi man and hollering out, “You! You! She does NOT like science fiction and she does NOT have to like science fiction!”