Mike Brown Asks a Cop

Illustration: Jared Smith & Eric Sapp

Dear Cop,

Let me start off by saying I wish this article was called, “Ask a Lawyer,” seeing as how you are giving legal advice to our stupid readers and it seems to me that cops just make up the law as they go along. For example, me flipping off a pig should be within my first amendment rights but no, they can deem it obstruction of justice if somebody pees in their box of doughnuts they had for breakfast that day.

Anyway, please allow me to pick your brain. The other night while leaving the tittie bar, a cop in an undercover car lights me up and pulls me over. Along with crumpling up dollar bills and heaving them at half-naked cokeheads, I had a drink at the nudey club, as most gentlemen do.

The cop shines his light in my eyes and says he pulled me over because I didn’t signal and that I was swerving, which I think is total bullshit. I know I signaled and I don’t know how he could say I was swerving if I only drove 100 yards going 20 miles per hour.

I was very polite and did not argue. I know how often cops get tiny cop boners off of their authority, and it’s best just to let them have it as opposed to getting tazed. I learned that from years of skateboarding and watching the most blatantly racist show to ever air, called COPS!

Then, he said my eyes were red and he could smell alcohol on my breath. After asking me if I had warrants or a crime record (which I do not), he did the standard running of my ID, registration and proof of insurance. Then he asked me how much I had to drink. I told him that I was leaving the strip club and had one cocktail.

He said that everyone says that to him, which I’m sure is true. He asks me to get out of the car and explains to me that he is going to give me a field sobriety test. The cop made me stand on one foot and count to 20, two times. He made me walk a straight line, and did that thing with his pen where I had to follow it with my eyes. Then, he pulled out the Breathalyzer.

After I took the Breathalyzer, he told me to wait in my truck. The cop then asked me if I was on drugs or if I had any drugs in the car. I told him that if he wanted to search my car he could, it’s messy as shit in there. He handed me back my license and said that if he wanted to, he could give me a DUI and that there was enough evidence to build a case against me due to the fact that there was alcohol in my system.

Then, he told me that I was not impaired and to be careful. Wait, it gets better. As I turned the corner, a highway patrol car flips a U, lights me up and pulls me over. I literally hadn’t been driving longer than a minute. He started off the same way the other cop did—shining a light in my eyes, saying they were red (no shit, it’s one in the fucking morning) and that he smells alcohol on my breath.

Then, the highway trooper tells me that the reason he pulled me over is because I only signaled for 1.5 seconds instead of two seconds before I made my lane change (which I think is total bullshit on his part, does he have a stopwatch in his car timing my lane changes?). Again, I was polite and honest and told him that I had been drinking that night but that I just took and passed a field sobriety test around the corner from another cop in an all-black squad car.

The trooper made me get out of my truck and gives me the eye test with his pen. Then, he asks for my license and I ask him if he needs my registration and proof of insurance as well, he says no. The trooper came back to my truck a couple minutes later and says I can drive off.

First question, why didn’t the first cop give me a DUI? Is it because he pulled me over illegally, thus not actually having a legitimate case against me? That’s my guess, but it could have been my girlfriend’s puppy-dog eyes. Had I actually been mega-wasted, I’m sure he would have taken me in, but he said he could have and didn’t. By the way, the first cop was totally nice about the whole situation and I’m not mad at him for doing his job.

But the highway patrolman? He was a total dick, and I have the same question: why did he let me off? Is it because of double jeopardy laws where you can’t be charged with the same crime twice? Or did the highway patrolman not want to make the cop look bad? And what the fuck is up with the “lane change for two seconds” thing? I’m sure it might be an actual traffic violation, but if that’s the case, people should be getting pulled over every fucking second. To be honest, I feel like the trooper was just profiling me and my shitty truck.

Mike Brown

Dear Gentleman,
Our readers are stupid? Don’t think so. In fact, they email me with some of the biggerest vocabulary words this dumb cop has ever heard!

Now, about advice. Well, I don’t give advice. Any idiot who actually applies what I write or thinks I know what I’m talking about, well they’re an idiot. It would be the same as some doofus get’n pulled over by an unmarked, “undercover” police car, and thinking the real cops just stopped them. In all actuality, it was a dude from the Sunbar, sorry, I mean tittie bar, looking for a date. (Gentleman Mike, there is free gaydar training at the Gallivan center every Sunday, but go early ‘cuz all the spots are reserved for bishops and cops—well, troopers and cops.)
Now, all of a sudden the real cop comes along, and he’s the asshole? What about the dude who, five minutes ago, fell in love with your fine ass in the bar?  And he got you to pull over for his fake DUI stop!

Sure, your girlfriend was with you, we believe you, don’t get defensive.

The big kicker is the legit trooper (sorry I referred to him as a cop earlier), who, after your sob story, thought he was going to get his pecker played with by a new friend around the corner, and he let you go. He probably spent the rest of his night looking for that “undercover” car. Troopers are like that.

Honestly, many cops do make up the law as they go. Yes, they have that discretion, kind of. And, you hit the nail on the head since it has everything to do with their mood that day.  You can flip them off, and yes, if you pursued it all the way through court, the cop would lose based on the first amendment. But in the end, you got them overtime pay and a lot of pain in your ass (kind of like what the “undercover” guy wanted to cause you).

Gentleman Mike, the only mistake you made that night was mentioning “cock” and “tail” to the “undercover” who stopped you. Here’s some advice you might want to apply in the future, it’s up to you. If you ever decide again to pull over for some unknown fellow in an unmarked car with red and blue lights you can buy on the Internet, tell him you had an alcohol-infused beverage. Don’t mention cock or tail to him. In fact, if a legit cop or especially a trooper stops you, don’t indicate cock or tail to him either.

Here’s the skinny: don’t ever pull over for a car with no markings. Don’t evade him and call 911, they’ll let you know pretty quick if the cop is legit. You can also drive straight to the closest police station. The first dude who stopped you was looking for warrants or gangsters or drugs or guns. As soon as he realized you were legit? Well, see you later. The trooper was looking for a DUI. Obviously, not you since the other guy just let you go. He’ll find some other more for-sure drunk in 90 seconds

Illustration: Jared Smith & Eric Sapp