Mike Brown: Top 5 Music Genres I Hate

I don’t know what it is about writing, but for me it’s usually much easier to write about all the things I hate. Like I was super close to writing my whole January article all about the SLUG office parking lot and how shitty it is They never plow it when it snows, you have to loop around at least three times to find a parking spot, there’s always bums hanging around and you can get ticketed faster than a hooker in temple square.

Illustration By: Jared Smith

I know all of this hate filled rambling might lead some to believe that I am merely a young Andy Rooney of Salt Lake, which is probably a shitty thing to be pigeon holed as but I rarely actually write about music and I write for a music magazine. In the spirit of the yearly top fives I thought I would write about my most hated top five music genres.

You may hate them too, or you may think I’m a complete tool and try to change my mind. There’s something funny about music snobs, they always want to change your mind no matter what genre they are defending. I believe that music snobs are just exclusive to Radiohead retards and other annoying breeds of indie rock-jocks. Snobs come in all terrible forms of music taste The other night while I was at work, some girl was asking me if I could sell her tickets for the Slightly Stoopid show. I couldn’t, and I’ve never really listened to Slightly Stoopid, so I asked her what they sounded like. When she said, “Kind of like Sublime.” I instantly knew that I didn’t want to go, work that show or even talk to this girl any more.

I told her that I thought Sublime was over rated and maybe wrote three good songs but that was about it. So she snobbed out on me and tryed to convince me other wise. When I try to tell her that I wasn’t looking for a debate, but I was just stating my opinion, she just got madder. She’s lucky I didn’t unleash my opinion on Sublime mostly being famous because their lead singer overdosed on the junk, or how I think something like that could help Slightly Stoopid’s record sales if they ever need it Geeze-Louise! I don’t shit my britches if someone doesn’t like The Melvins. I can live my life knowing there are other people out there that aren’t listening to the same music that I am. This girl couldn’t though, and you should have seen her face when I told her how much I hated Led Zeppelin.

Here’s the music genres I hate (in no particular order) with a brief description of why:

1. Bluegrass
I fucking hate bluegrass. It all sounds the same to me, all of it. As much as I love KRCL and community radio, if I’m listening to Circus Brown’s Not a Sideshow on Saturday night, as soon as I’m done listening, I have to remember to change the dial before I turn my radio off so that I don’t accidentally hear any of that bluegrass shit they play on Sunday afternoon when I turn my radio back on.
Bluegrass is so repeative and boring, it is almost exactly like techno music to me in that regard. If I ever become president I’m outlawing banjos in the same manor that Clinton outlawed automatic weapons. What kind of pig fucker wants to play a banjo in the first place? Are there really kids out there who aren’t inbred that want to be in a bluegrass band? Go back to your moonshine shacks in the Ozarks, far enough away from me so I don’t have to hear you.

2. Third-wave ska
I think it’s ok to have little phases of what kind of music you’re into for brief periods of time. I don’t know why, but right now I’m in a black metal phase. I just got out of a Morrissey phase and I’ll probably return to my Ramones phase once the weather starts warming up And at the most, third-wave ska should be that phase you had right before you found out how much cooler the Descendents were, around the age of fourteen Anybody over fourteen listening to the Voo Doo Glowskulls and Mad Caddies should be quarantined.
I seriously didn’t think anyone over twenty one liked this shit, but I worked a third wave Ska show at a 21+ venue, and holy fuck, talk about washed up. It was one of the worst nights to work, ever.

3. Christian Rock
I think this one is pretty easy to hate. One time SLUG gave me a book to read and review, (which I never finished reading or reviewing) called Body Piercing Saved my Life. Get it? They’re talking about Jesus. Any way, the book was all about the whole Christian rock phenomenon.
I don’t want people to think that I’m being anti-Christian by hating Christian rock. I’m not. I actually think that all my Christian friends hate it too. Some things just don’t go together. Things like orange juice and toothpaste, Oreo’s and steak, Mormons and gays, skateboarders and rollerbladers and finally Christianity and rock and roll. Hank Hill, from King of the Hill put it best, “You’re not making Christianity any better, you’re making rock and roll worse.”

4. Techno.
Ok, so I know that techno is a pretty broad genre. Maybe I should be more specific. I’m referring to that shit they play at raves and jock clubs. It could just be that I tell people I hate techno because my attention span is too short and I stay away from drugs that make people annoying, like ecstasy and coke. Those are the drugs that seem to make the whole techno music experience tolerable.

5. Regae.
I know that there is some good reggae out there, but not too much. I mostly can say I don’t like reggae because I don’t like hippies. I wonder if there are any hippies that secretly hate reggae but wont admit it so they don’t get excluded from the drum circle. So to be fair to reggae, I pretty much hate all music and bands that hippies like to listen to such as The Greatful Dead, Led Zeppelin and Radiohead (it has recently been pointed out to me that there is a new strand of hippie, the Radiohead hippie.) I heard a band on the radio called Radio Dred, and it just made my guts churn and discolored my bowel movement later that afternoon. It was a reggae band that just covered Radio Head songs. Really, how boring and uncreative can you get?

Anyway, hopefully this article might generate some Dear Dickheads letters. And even though I hate podcasts too, here’s one I did with Circus Brown that’s pretty good, http://switchpod.com/users/circus/feed.xm. I talk about how I hate Interpol and some other bands.