Princess Kennedy: Miss Goodwitch

Princess Kennedy as Glinda the Good Witch. Illustration: Manuel Aguilar

When I was a young queen, around 18 years old, you could say I was rather wicked. I showed no discretion when acting like a little bitch. I expected the world  to be handed to me on a silver platter. I slept with my friends’ boyfriends and talked about them behind their backs. I was the little cunt who mailed people with bad acne facial sanding pamphlets and fat people diet tips. I would go to a dance club with a squirt gun full of perm solution and spray people’s hair. Once in an art class, I thought this redhead’s hair was ugly, so I took a pair of scissors and snipped her ponytail off. One day, my wicked behavior all came crashing down on me like a ton of karmic bricks when the most unimaginable thing happened. I had gotten into some stupid fight with a friend and she didn’t show up to school the next day. I said something like, “Well, maybe if we’re lucky she’s dead.” Five days later, she showed up on a roadside, dead under a pile of reeds. This, and losing what friends I had left, was a really rough way to learn it doesn’t pay to be a bitch.

This unfortunate incident really opened my eyes to how I should treat people for the rest of my life. When I moved to San Francisco, before really getting into the scene, I was able to observe that the queens people really seemed to like and support were the nice ones. Even though the bitches were well liked, not many people went out of their way for them. That is when I decided that if I was going to be concerned with such a meaningless aspiration such as popularity, I was going to do it the nice way. To this day, I still get referred to as the really nice Mormon tranny from SLC.

The other day, I was sitting with some people and I said something to the effect that I was sure the gays of Salt Lake must think I’m the anti-Christ, which was meant to be a rhetorical statement. Instead, I was told that when my name was mentioned to a gaggle of gays, one went off about what a bitch I was, how I like to stir shit up and lied all the time. I kind of shut down—it wrecked me for three days. I am not used to statements like these. Sure, I can totally deal with the comments about what a mess I am—I built a career on that—but I am not a bitch, DAMNIT, and my friends will fuck up anyone who says otherwise!  I know that’s stupid and being in the public eye, I have to know that shit like this will be said. However, it doesn’t change the fact that I am still human. I feel I do a lot of good for the community and go out of my way to smile and say hi to everyone I come across. I totally admit that I have no retention for names, but that’s because I’m stupid, not mean.

As the Pride festival approaches, I need everyone to remember the feeling we had only six months ago when the gay community rallied together in the name of mental health and to stand against the comments made by leaders in the LDS Church. I know it can be like fighting an army of monkey bats not to give in to gossip. Just remember: Any old, tired fag can be a bad witch. 

We are all traveling down the same yellow brick road. On this path, especially here in Utah, we’re going to face a lot of obstacles that will try to fuck up our journey to Oz. We’ll get there much quicker if we stay focused on being one within our own group. As we skip, we learn that our community isn’t just us and them anymore, because “us” has grown to include the tin man, the scarequeen and the lion (well … bear). We can’t let our misunderstandings of our own people’s differences cloud our minds like a field of poisonous poppies. If we’re going to get over that rainbow, we need to be good witches and let the rest of the world know there’s no place like homo. Have fun and be safe at Pride this year! 

Tuesday June 7th is Pride Day at Whole Foods. 5% of all sales at all four Utah locations will be donated to the Utah Pride Center. Shop with Pride and help reach their $10,000 goal!

Princess Kennedy as Glinda the Good Witch. Illustration: Manuel Aguilar