Fuck the Informer: By the Numbers

Fuck The Informer is a band that I like. But they don’t like SLUG and said that they didn’t want any of their music reviewed in the mag. So I told them that I was doing a survey, just like a sneaky telemarketer. I guess that makes me an informer, ha! Fuck me! I’ll leave their names out as well since no one cares anyway.

Fuck The Informer recently put out an album and went on tour the old fashioned way where you do it yourself. First, you sell everything you own to buy a van, then you get a national AA meeting schedule that corresponds with your destinations for the drummer, and finally, you ask the bass player’s parole officer if it’s cool if he leaves the state for a couple weeks.

Surprisingly they made it home from tour without killing each other and with nothing catching on fire. The latter of the two actually shocked me.

I wanted to know what tour and cutting an album was like, and since they hate SLUG, I thought it would be funny to put them in the Mag. They are one of my personal favorite bands not so much for the music but more for the fact that you can throw things at them during their show and they will keep playing (They actually play better when you throw things at them). To me, that’s a sign of a great band; a band you can really set your watch to.

So let me make it very clear that this isn’t a music review, and it isn’t an interview either. It’s a survey. An annonymous survey done with some of the guys in the band. Every question has to do with a number and based off of the numbers you, the reader, will decide if you want to buy their new album or not.

Question #1: What is the combined amount of criminal charges amongst all the band members? “Six plus three plus…wait, does juvie count? Juvie doesn’t matter so we’ll stick with nine. “

Question #2: What’s the band’s combined total number of blackouts while recording the album and being on tour? “One to ten, granted you can’t remember. Tour could count as one big blackout.”

Question #3: How many times did you guys get robbed while recording the album and while on tour? “Once at gunpoint and with machetes during practice, someone took base amps out of the tour van; basically we get robbed at every show we play.”

Question #4: How many times have you used your instruments as weapons, during practice or otherwise? “At least three times with the guitar, two times with the bass, four times with a drum cymbal. It’s hard to say, I’d guess around 15.”

Question #5: How many times has the Plug been pulled on you guys? “Once in Missoula, four or five times around town. As far as the bar wanting us to actually stop playing? Countless.”

Question #6: How many practices have ended up in a fistfight? “Just a couple”

Question #7: How many bass players have you guys gone through? “I’ve fucked my fair share, oh wait, you mean for the band? Lets see … eight including you.”

Question #8: How many ounces of weed did you guys need to go through in order to get the album recorded? “Around three, may be two.”

Question #9: How many bands have refused to play with you guys? “Ask Jimmy the Tooth. I’d say at least 30.”

Question # 10: How many t-shirts did you sell on tour? “Maybe 10.”

Question # 11: How many cool people did you meet on tour? “Just one, Nick Garrols. The guy knowingly got fired from his job just so he could get us drunk.”

Question #12: How many text messages were sent out while on tour? “At least a billion.”

Question #13: What’s the combined total of STD’s the band has? “That’s totally unknown and potentially infinite.”

Question #14: How many members of the band wear underwear every day? “Just one.”

There you have it. Fourteen simple questions to determine whether or not you like the band. If you get a chance to see these guys live I suggest you do it before they are kicked out of every bar in the country, which for now seems to be their goal.

On a separate note that has nothing to do with this article, peace out Andy Pitts! I know you don’t like public displays of gratuity so I won’t give you any. I mostly just want SLUG readers to know that Pitts has been down since The Leviathan Issue #3, and that Leviathan Issue #8 is still available and Pitts is still down!