Blazed and Confused @ Usana

Posted July 29, 2009 in

Blazed and Confused Tour
Usana Amphitheatre
Featuring Snoop Dogg and Slightly Stoopid

Photo: Conor Dow

During a bored Internet perusing session, the words “Blazed and Confused” caught my eye. I nudged my friend and jokingly suggested that we go. It was upon further inspection that I saw who was headlining, and suddenly this became no laughing matter. It was Snoop Dogg, and I had to go. I have been listening to Snoop since before I even liked or knew what rap was. His videos were always plastered across MTV in my younger days, and I treasured hearing them. As if in a moment of serendipity telling me this was the right thing to do, I had my music on shuffle and it kept randomly spouting off Snoop songs the day of the show, Monday, July 20th. I know, for Blazed and Confused 7/20 was going to have to have to be a settle instead of the infamous day of the stoner, 4/20 had already passed. I got to Usana Amphitheater around 8:00 p.m., and it was bloatedly packed full of people. The hot girl to douche guy ratio was at an all time high. This is why you should always hit on attractive women—this was proof that there is a chance for anyone.

I immediately needed a beer, and went on the hunt for the concert-overpriced beer of choice, Bud Light. It was nowhere to be found; it appeared as though Coors won the sponsor competition this time around and the correlating booths mocked me.  This was sad, I never start my night out with a Coors, I end it with that because by then it tastes fancy. Giving in, I handed over $8.00, plus $1 for tip and took a seat to watch for Slightly Stoopid to come onstage. I had great seating arrangements, for once I could see a stage without having to squint and guess who was who. For this band, I don’t know if that was fortunate or not. A bunch of white dudes paraded onto the stage and proceeded to unwoo me with what could only be described as mediocre Sublime wannabes, which is not saying much. Well, at least the crowd didn’t think so, for they danced, and knew all of the lyrics to their songs. As though they stepped into the wet dream of a 15 year old stoner boy, the stage was set up with skulls that had giant pot leaves embedded onto the forehead of them while they gushed fog machine smoke out of their faces.  When the band stopped between songs they screamed, “Are you all fucked up yet?”  Given the beer prices that I will never cease to complain about, I think the appropriate question should have been, “Is everyone mildly buzzed, bloated and tired yet?”

But apparently the crowd had been smoking the doobie and gave an enthusiastic yes. Next came more songs about the Santeria while they danced in front of a tropical backdrop that looked like it had been chalk drawn by someone’s nephew. I tuned out and went to my Snoop place after awhile and waited patiently, basically an eternity for them to finish their set. Security in front of me at least appeared to share the same sentiment. They stood there looking angry, arms folded only to unfold them to motion for someone to put out their cigarette or to tell them their tickets weren’t good enough to hippie dance. I began to wonder if they even enjoyed their jobs; they looked like they were absolutely not taking any pleasure out of this whatsoever. I started to pass time by counting how many fake pairs of boobs I could spot, and quickly started to lose count. After Slightly Stoopid’s underwhelming set, it was time to make a bathroom and take out a loan run to get another beer. As I sat outside on a bench drinking, a woman who decided that it would be in her best interest to not hire a baby sitter and bring her one and six year old there was throwing a fit, stating that some guy had tried to attack her baby. Said guy came out, who looked like some sort of dude that likes to passively go backpacking on the weekends along with his girlfriend stating that this was all an accident and that this lady went apeshit on him for no reason when he bumped into her. Well, since there was nothing better happening this night, it did take the six police officers to come analyze the situation and I happily watched from afar.

After awhile I went back to my seat assuming that there was another act prior to Snoop when I saw his backdrop that had been unfurled, showing a giant picture of Snoop which said “Tales From The Crip.” There was music equipment set up everywhere that was draped in plastic pot plants. I wonder if you can pick those up from your local party store. Not much later, Snoop came out and started the night out with the “Who Am I (What’s My Name?)”song that we all know and love. I didn’t give a shit if I looked stupid, I was excited and I was going to dance. My favorite thing to see when a rap or hip-hop artist performs is a live band backing them, and he had that. Not only that, he was singing into a diamond encrusted microphone. His mere presence commanded the attention of not only the audience, but of my earlier buddies, security. The second Snoop walked onstage in all of his tall glory, the security guard started dancing and waving his hands in the air like he just didn’t care and singing every single song word for word. He was not only the most excited guy I had seen in the place now, but somehow managed to work security, scanning the crowd while dancing and singing. What a good multi-tasker.
Snoop pulled out a lot of old favorites like “The Next Episode”,” Drop It Like It’s Hot” and “Gin & Juice”, which as sure to be ringing in my head the next morning.  He also played some fine, not so known by me songs off of his newest album. I kept wondering if being at the age he is now and having kids if he had to stifle laughter singing these hardass gangster songs. At one point he did the obligatory shout out to his man Tupac. 

Later on he brought out a girl to rap with him and she was big and amazing. I wish I could have remembered her name, she sounded like Salt N Pepa on steroids.  I noted that amongst the dancing hoochies onstage that there were approximately five men in suits standing with their arms folded in front of the speakers and off to the sides. I thought that perhaps that they were going to come out and impress us with their skills at some point in the show but no, they were bodyguards. Aw, Snoop has bodyguards! I don’t know if that was just for show or if it is a necessity for him, but it still made him more badass.  As per usual show code, before any encores, I crept out of there to avoid the parking lot disaster that is always sure to follow. I am sure by the smell of the air that everyone was baked out of their minds, but me, it had been so long since I had seen a show that had gotten me all tingly and excited like this, so I was high on finally getting to see an amazing and elaborately produced rap show.