Product Reviews – June 2010

S75 Pro Breathalyzer
The first person to blow into this piece of shit blew a .28 8/10, which, according to the user’s manual, is borderline “loss of consciousness,” yet he still operated at normal motor functions. Ten minutes later, we had him blow into it and it still said he was probably in total “mental confusion” by his .25. Now, the limit is .08, and after discussing how many drinks he had, there was no way he was blowing such a high b.a.c. This means that there is no possible way the BACtrack S75 Pro is a reliable way to test if your impairment level is too high to operate a vehicle. Besides being an entertaining toy to have with you when you are out drinking, save your $150 and buy a cab for everyone in the bar instead. – Lamar Jeed

Pabst Blue Ribbon
PBR Tent
I tell you what, friends: with all this talk of the Iranis getting’ their darned hands one of those atom bombs, livin’ off the grid never sounded quite so nice. For Pete’s sake, I’m on my way outta town now that I got mine hands on this spiffy Pabst Blue Ribbon tent. It’s rattlesnake proof and prob’ly gonna hold up to those rowdy young’uns always trying to break my shit. On top of that, I seen this guy spit on it and, heavens to Betsy–no friggin’ leaks. I figger it’ll stand up to a light breeze, but heck, with all this global malibu shenanigans the brainiacs are talkin’ about, I figger fuck it.  Did I mention this puppy has a secret pocket I can stash my methamphetamines? God darn hooligans always tryin’ to get their paws on my stash. I’d like to see them find my sack hidden deep in the belly of my mother fuckin’ PBR tent. Fuck you Rex, keep your goddamn monkey paws off my woman and especially off my drugs! One last thought, this tent smells like my uncle Barny’s been sleepin’ in it.  Reminds me of home. –The Old Prospector

Devastated Beer Soap
After a hard day’s work at the construction site, there is only one thing I want: a nice frosty beer. Well, that and a shower of course. Soaperhero genius Chelsea Petrich has figured out the chemical process to turn my beloved beer into something I can wash with (that actually cleans, unlike the stale remnants of a wounded soldier tall can for shampoo). The Devastated soap is made with Squatters’ Devastator Double Bock and it’s beyond me why people haven’t been doing this kind of thing since the conception of alcoholic beverages. Not only is there beer in the soap, but rapeseed, palm and saponified coconut oils are mixed in as well to leave your skin with that smooth silky feeling. Watch out Dove, I think you have a competitor. –Tyler Durden
4 Man Beer Bong Funnel
The 4 Man Beer Bong Funnel is the most competitive thing to hit the binge drinking market since the... one man beer bong. This beer bong allows you and three friends (plus one person to hold this behemoth) to race to the finish of chugging down your section of the bong. The shorter tubes make it even easier for you and your friends to bump beer bellies, making it all the more memorable of an experience. I am not saying that this will replace the lawn dart as your new favorite drinking “go-to” item. However, this is something to keep in mind if your frat is looking for a new way to get fucked up. –Tyler Makmell