10 Things I Hate About Calvert

Photos: Sam Milianta

Ever noticed how hated-on skaters tend to become superstars? Ryan Sheckler cried his guts out on MTV because he wanted to be a normal kid and his board sales soared. Jason Dill went from being criticized for his eccentric clothing to being one of Alien Workshop’s top pros. Corey Duffel went from being sponsorless and hated after making a racist remark about Stevie Williams (anyone else remember this one?) to being a top pro. Ed Templeton had a video part that said “kill him when you see him” at the pinnacle of his career. Pretty much, being hated-on is a quick road to success for a talented skater. It’s kind of like being a rock star or an artist who dies at age 27 (except you get to live longer).

Everyone I talk to seems to refer to Glenn Calvert as either “That ‘Guth’ Kid who got good really fast” or “Baby-Ass Calvert.” As a matter of fact, Calvert is one of the skaters I know who gets shit-talked constantly. Everyone is always talking shit about or to Calvert. This phenomenon is unexplainable. Besides the fact that Calvert rips on a skateboard, he’s one of the nicest, quietest guys I know. It sucks that this guy gets hated-on constantly. So, in lieu of letting Calvert defend himself against the haters in a traditional interview, I’ve included a list of things you might not know about Calvert. I’ll let you, the reader, choose whether to use these to hate on Calvert (and propel him into skateboard stardom) or just be nice when you see him on the street.

1. Calvert knows a lot about music that I wish I listened to at his age. Instead of being obsessed with whatever new stuff is out, I’ve often heard Calvert talk about Leonard Cohen and Miles Davis.

2. If you’re a skate nerd like me and watch every new episode of the Epicly Later’d show on the internet, you may have seen the recent episode about Ethan Fowler. They refer to Fowler as being the king of backside tricks. I’m making a bold claim that Calvert is the king of frontside. I’ve never seen a frontside 50-50 look so awesome.

3. Calvert is one of the only people I’ve ever seen do a frontside nosegrind on a transition in real life.

4. My friend Syd thinks Calvert looks like High School Musical star Zac Efron. While the rest of us don’t see it, if comparing him to the teenage heartthrob in this magazine helps Calvert get girls, then so be it.

5. Calvert 50-50’d one of the gnarliest rails I have ever seen. He won’t go back to shoot a photo because he ripped his pants trying it. Therefore, you won’t see it here. If anyone wants to donate a $50 Gap gift card to me to buy Calvert some new pants, maybe the photo will appear in a future issue of SLUG.

6. At one spot while we were shooting this interview, Calvert slammed so hard he broke the cement, AND he got up and tried the trick again and landed it. No joke.

7. Every time there is a contest at Guthrie Skatepark, the goal of most of the locals is not to win but just to beat Glenn. Instead of being glad to place top five, I have heard Nick Suroka say, “at least I beat Glenn.”

8. Micah Wood describes Calvert as “a wholesome young man.”

9. Yom once hated Calvert in a manner very similar to how Walter treats Donny in the movie The Big Lebowski. For those of you who know who Yom is, this bit of information is amazing.

10. Calvert recently lost a game of “horseface” so he could make out with a certain girl. Remember to ask him about it when you see him.

11. Calvert is hated on for no reason. Sorry, but that’s the truth. I don’t understand it, so maybe one of you can explain it to me. By the end of shooting this interview, I found myself shit-talking Calvert and I really don’t know why. It’s one of those unexplainable things like stigmata and spontaneous combustion (I know this is fact 11, but only having 10 is cliche).

Remember if you ever meet Calvert, talk some shit to him because he won’t know what to do otherwise.