America’s Next Top Wizard

Our lovely contestants: Cody "Choad" Hoenshell, Morgan Cope, John Barbieri, Brett Egbert, Milton Williamson. Photo: Chris Swainston

Editor’s note: It is necessary to watch an entire season of America’s Next Top Model and be well versed in fantasy novels before reading this article.   

It was a rainy Saturday when we met at a local warehouse. There were six contestants present, each going through a series of elimination rounds in hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Wizard. The contestants were Levi Faust, Morgan Cope, Brett Egbert, Cody “Choad” Hoenshell, John Barbieri and Milton Williamson. Each contestant was responsible for not only completing every task presented to them by complete egomaniac Tyra (aka Chris Swainston), but also producing the best photos in each round in an attempt to avoid elimination.

The first task involved getting the best photo while shot-gunning and/or chugging a beer. All contestants rose to this task immediately, but it took several “poses” (i.e. cans of beer) to get the best photo possible. At the end of this round, several soldiers had fallen, but all the contestants were able, albeit shakily, to stay in the running for becoming America’s Next Top Wizard.

The second task involved a game of skate. Flip tricks on a skateboard are really hard, and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying about how much time they put into mastering said maneuvers. A game of skate, which always involves such flip tricks, is even more challenging after the rigorous “poses” the contestants were required to complete in the previous round. At the end of this round, Egbert was victorious in the game, but judges determined the best photo to be a tie among all.

The final and most challenging task involved the true wizardry of this contest. Becoming a wizard involves the creation of a wizard staff. While there are many variations of the wizard staff, the most common involves drinking cans of beer and duct-taping the empty cans together to create a staff. After completing one beer, you become a level-one wizard. Two beers, and you are a level-two wizard and so on. The winner of this game is the wizard with the tallest staff at the end. If your staff is as tall as you, you become a white wizard. If there are two white wizards present, a battle to the death with the wizard staffs must ensue.

However, becoming a wizard on this day evolved by a millennia. Creating the wizard staff was only part of the last challenge our dear contestants had to face. Not only was each contestant responsible for creating their own wizard staff, but they had to follow this with a high-ollie duel to the death with their own staff. The brave Sir Cope was willing to lie down near the deadly staff to help his fellow contestants get a worthy photographic joust.

In the end, wizards in training Faust and Egbert both emerged victorious after a strenuous battle with their own mighty staffs. While both attained high wizard status, another round will be necessary in the future to attain white wizardry. Very few wizards have attained this status in the world of skateboarding but these brave high wizards are only a few levels away from mastering such amazing skateboard sorcery.

Our lovely contestants: Cody Why go over the cans when you can go through them? Photo: Chris Swainston After gunning a six-pack, the wizard champion mystically flies over a six-and-half-pack. Photo: Chris Swainston Perfect is boringswitch tre flip is beautiful, Morgan Cope. Photo: Chris Swainston Gurl, don't blame the photographer, blame your parents for bad DNA, Egbert drops the impossible. Photo: Chris Swainston Zip it bitch, half-cab flips are dead in my book, Hoenshell. Photo: Chris Swainston Walk like its for sale and rent is due today, Faust, inward heel. Photo: Chris Swainston Cope Wins the Race. Photo: Chris Swainston