Skatepark Etiquette 101

Wow, I hope the first lesson wasn’t too harsh for you kids. I’m sure you probably didn’t read that shit anyways. Well, if you did and you were bummed out, count your blessings, because this month I’m going to leave your sorry butts alone. Instead I’m going straight to the source of your perception of what’s correct: your dumbass parents.

This is probably the most important unwritten skate park rule. If this rule was followed all the time, there wouldn’t need to be any other guidelines at all. The rule is simple: nowhere at any skate park does it say “free fucking daycare”. Basically what I’m getting at is this: you need to get your broke-ass another job and pay for a babysitter or start using condoms, because dropping your kids off at the park for a day is not the solution to your sex addiction.

First off, I will state all the non-skate related reasons to not drop off your darling little loved ones at a public park. Ever heard of child predators? Well parks are like their version of a quarter peep-show, except they don’t even have to drop a dime, just their pants. Drugs, where do I get some of those? Duh, any public park, stupid. Bullies? Shit, they have their monthly bully meetings at the park. Mexican knife fights go down at some of the parks on the regular (no, not at any east side parks, silly), go pop another happy pill, everything’s fine as long as it’s not in your neighborhood. Kidnappers, stray dogs with rabies, killer clowns, dirty priests, the homeless, junkies, drunk lurkers, missionaries and so on all chill at the park. Is this where you really want to drop your kids off unsupervised? Sure, we look out for our own, but isn’t that really your job?

Oh my hell, where do I start on the skate related reasons for you not to drop off your rugrats at the park for the day?
First off, older skaters are bad influences. Sure we got tricks and know how to bullshit parents better than anyone else on the planet, but is that who you really want as one of your kid’s role models? As soon as nine o’clock hits, we’re all smoking weed, drinking rubbing alcohol, sleeping with call-girls and God only knows what else. Secondly, why drop your inexperienced child off at a place created for veteran status cool guys like myself? I don’t know if you can remember what it’s like to be an eleven-year-old pushed into the cold dark world, but I’m guessing you probably can’t since you don’t ride a skateboard and never did. If you had, you would be with your kid at the park sharing some quality time together. Instead you grew up tea-bagging all your friends on the high school football team (oh the glory years). My point being, everyday at the park when you’re eleven or twelve is like your first day of high school. It’s pretty sketchy and you could possibly die. Third, if you drop your kid off at the park and he (or she) is crying when they get out of the minivan, that means they probably don’t want to be there. This is pretty common for all dumbass parents who don’t really know their own children or for that fact care. Just because skateboarding is on television now, I think a lot of parents are forcing their child into it. They might think their kid will be able to set them up with an early retirement or a nice house in Arizona or Florida. Well, I’m going to let you in on a little secret parents, only a handful of professional skateboarders clear six figures. The majority of them are barely scraping by check-to-check, just like a gas station attendant. I’m tired of writing now and I could go on for days and days about how lame you are, but it’s Christmas soon so… peace.