Princess Kennedy: Human Garbage

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Photo & Digital Processing: Chad Kirkland Illustration: Manuel Aguilar

This month SLUG is celebrating John Waters and his works and accomplishments. I would like to fill you in on why we, as an LGBT community, celebrate him. Quite frankly, it’s because he is the filthiest human in the world. Let me rephrase––he is the most outwardly expressive and unapologetic piece of human garbage. To the untrained reader, it might seem that I am bashing Waters, but trust me, in some circles of filth, this is a huge compliment.

Back in his early years of hippy love and vomit, John had a best friend simply known as Divine, a creature of unnatural beauty mostly appreciated by the fringes of society. Divine was cast in most of Waters’ early films until her untimely death in the late ‘80s, with her last starring role as Edna Turnblad in the popular movie Hairspray, later played by a much more un-fabulous and closeted John Revolta.

Waters’ third feature-length film in 1972, Pink Flamingos, is a film of epic groundbreakers. The flick centered around Divine’s character who shared the same name, but lived under the pseudonym Babs Johnson so that she could live in peace after being named “the filthiest person alive.” This movie is quite possibly the filthiest movie I’ve ever seen. There are scenes so shocking that even the most jaded of souls has to look away once or twice. For instance, there is the scene where a live chicken gets caught between two people having sex and is killed. Another scene shows Miss Divine walk up to a pooping poodle, pick up the hot fresh fecal matter and pop the poop in her mouth. The real beauty is that both of these things actually happened, they aren’t mere reproductions using props or specials effects.

“Princess Kennedy, why would I want to see such a filth fest?” you ask. You should watch because the film crossed boundaries, and Waters’ guerilla filmmaking broke the rules. In one scene, Divine walks down a street on her way to a shopping trip. As she walks, Waters is in a car filming the extras (not actors) who are simple bystanders, unaware that a movie is being made. Another scene features a beautiful woman lifting her dress and showing her pre-op male junk. Keep in mind, this film was made in 1972.

If you want to start a love affair with Waters, this should be the first movie you watch, as it sets the tone for what to expect in all the others, as well as sets up a relationship with the cast of actors that he uses in many of his early flicks. It easily rates three poo-covered cocks up in my filth-rating system.

It seems that the people of Salt Lake are in the running for the filthiest people in the world. I gave a call out to see what kind of stories people had to share. I had no luck until I promised to keep the names confidential, but if you ask me in person, I will have no choice but to tell you who they are.  So, a girl on Facebook told me that once at a party at a stranger’s house (full of boy tenants) she sneezed a pile of coke onto the rug in front of the toilet. “Why, I just took a tampon applicator out of the garbage and cleaned the rug off,” she bragged. Yum! Then I got a random text from a stranger who wouldn’t tell me their name. “I was having sex with my ex-girlfriend when her vaginal cyst exploded, after we were done she took the tweezers and found four more the size of tic tacs!” And people ask why I fuck boys. I contemplated telling them they had the wrong number, just to fuck with him … or her.

My friend Smash, who works at Squatters, has made out with a guy that had the women’s restroom symbol tattooed on his chin—in a women’s restroom. She also told me she was once paid $100 to fart in a guy’s mouth, “but it came with a free burrito.”  It’s disgusting, but kind of like my story.

For about a year when I lived in San Francisco, I had a standing appointment every other Friday to get paid to go out on a date with a 65-year-old man to a steak dinner with a crescendo of me releasing a Hot Carl on his chest while he lay on his dining room table. Delicious!

Other stories included two guys jacking off onto a cake for a hated co-worker, dog poo cookies, my hooker friend who let one of the guys from Metallica pee in her mouth and a 17-year-old girl being forced to watch her OBGYN cut her hymen off with scissors and no anesthetic, after which she was made to implant and remove an IUD from her bloody cunt—filthy and fun.

I think you should find this online at slugmag.com and share yours, because I know you have them, and make sure you go and hear John Waters’ stories of filth and festivity on Oct. 13 at the Jeanne Wagner Theater.

Photos:
Photo & Digital Processing: Chad Kirkland Illustration: Manuel Aguilar