Screenings So Bad: A Secondhand Screenings Special

It’s curtain call for the Oscar season, and we know what that means — The Academy gobbled all the bait and some disheveled In-N-Out bust boy tossed a golden statue into their Lost and Found bin. While the war-torn world distracts itself for a Hollywood celebration, here at SLUG, we’ve decided to focus on the worst of the worst. In this special edition of Secondhand Screenings, we indulged in media so deplorable that it nearly killed us. Blood has been spilled and opinions can burn a few bridges, but at the end of the day, it’s all in good fun… by agreeing to disagree. So let’s all go to the lobby to grab a popcorn bucket (and a defibrillator to shock us back into coherency). This is Screenings So Bad!

Basmati Blues
Director: Dan Baron
Red Baron Films, Considered Entertainment, ZAS Film
Released: 02.09.2018

I found Basmati Blues while searching Tubi for an obscure romance for The Belated Valentine’s Edition of Secondhand Screenings. When in the first five minutes I watched Brie Larson (Captain Marvel) burst into song in a chemistry lab, then dance down the street high-fiving homeless men and swinging from lampposts like a worse-than-usual scene from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, I found myself eagerly waiting for irony to kick in. I hoped for Scary Movie, but was left only with confusion at how something so off-putting could exist without being at least a little self-aware.

I revisited the film one month later with a more curious lens. An indie comedy-romance-musical, Basmati Blues follows scientist Dr. Linda Watts (Larson) on a strangely unabashed savior complex excursion to India to sell genetically modified rice. A crooked executive, played by Donald Sutherland (The Italian Job), convinces her that the newly patented rice will feed millions, but neglects to let Linda in on the nefarious, capitalistic plot he’s concocted with the cronies at his overtly Monsanto-like corporation.

Larson and Sutherland would surely want this film to remain Tubi-bound, though the film does have heart. The local characters are endearing, including Linda’s love interest Rajit, a farmer’s son played by Utkarsh Ambudkar (Blindspotting). But even Rajit’s character, especially in the musical numbers, reaches Disney Channel levels of silly, leaving me feeling that Ambudkar, Larson and even Sutherland were robbed of potentially great roles, if only the entire film had been written more seriously or picked a direction. It has an anti-capitalist message that’s overshadowed by overall poor technical execution and trying to do too much. Yet Basmati Blues did give me some perspective: True judgement of an iffy film’s quality is somewhere in the measuring of its intentions compared to its outcomes. (What doesn’t kill you makes you into a dodgy internet film professor.) –Kyle Forbush

How to Date Billy Walsh
Director: Alex Pillai
Future Arts Entertainment
Released: 04.04.2024

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a sucker for cheesy romantic comedies. Even romcoms that revolve solely around the girl taking off her glasses to reveal a hidden beauty have a certain charm that can worm its way into my heart. That is not the case for 2024’s How to Date Billy Walsh. The best way I can describe my experience with this film would be bewilderment for the first half of the runtime, followed by creeping disinterest, which ultimately led to a state of utter aggravation by the time the credits rolled. 

How to Date Billy Walsh stars Sebastian Croft (Heartstopper) as Archie, a British high school student who has harboured a longtime crush on his childhood friend, Amelia (Charithra Chandran, Bridgerton). While trying to work up the courage to confess his feelings, Archie’s efforts are blocked by the appearance of Billy Walsh (Tanner Buchanan, Cobra Kai), an exchange student from America. Amelia quickly falls in love with Billy’s rebellious air and good looks and makes it her goal to win him over. Determined to prevent them from getting together, Archie does his best to sabotage Amelia’s chances of winning over Billy.

The only good thing I can say about this film is that I liked the summery color palette, but besides that aspect, I can’t find anything else to recommend it. None of the performances were good. Croft goes so over-the-top that he feels more like he is playing a supervillain rather than a boy in love, and his chemistry with Chandran is nonexistent. Buchanan gives one of the blandest performances I’ve ever seen, never veering into so bad it’s good territory, simply a “Please let this be over,” feeling. Every time I felt the story could pick itself up, it just disappointed me. In the end, this film broke the single cardinal rule that every romcom must adhere to: the romance actually has to be fun to watch. —Angela Garcia

Pitch Perfect
Universal Studios, Brownstone Productions
Director: Jason Moore
Released: 10.05.2012

Before I’m dragged to the guillotine while all the tone-deaf fans sing a cappella, let me spin you a tale of “why.” It’s the summer of my sophomore year and I was currently out of a car after slamming my hatchback into the back of screeching brake Tahoe. I was sleeping under a pole table, since my mother’s house had no spare rooms, when my “darling” sisters rented a soul-crushing stillborn by the title of Pitch Perfect from what used to be Redbox. The film is supposed to be a cheerful flick starring Anna Kendrick (Twilight) and Rebel Wilson (Bridesmaids) about the charming cherishment of sisterhood…and the many ways you can butcher a decent track. My sisters watched this flick with the volume on full blast in the living room for TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT, while I tried to retain my sanity 10 feet away. “It couldn’t have been exactly two weeks,” I hear you say. God as my witness, when credits would roll and end back at the main menu, one of them would be conscious enough to hit the play button. “You could’ve left for a bit.” How could I? No car, barely a learner’s permit, friends also without means of transportation. Plus if I did leave for fresh air or disappeared for hours to whatever juvenile side quest I got myself into, I knew I would return to 24 hours of the Barden Bellas schooling the Treblemakers and the god damn, migraine-inducing, gun-in-my-mouth “Cups” song!!!

Nowadays, the sheer mention of Pitch Perfect sours my stomach. Those who don’t know the full story think there’s some misogynistic swing for hating this “full artistic display of revolt against the patriarchy.” That can’t be farther from the truth. To me, this film will always be just a torturous Pavlov experiment imprinted on a kid that really needed some sleep. So, let my actions be justified when the next Pitch Perfect DVD that comes in contact of me gets the fucking chop! —Alton Barnhart

Shelby Oaks
Director: Chris Stuckmann
Paper Streets Pictures, Intrepid Pictures, Title Media
Released: 10.24.25

There’s an old pessimistic proverb that goes, “never meet your heroes.” Though I’ll do you one even better and say, “never watch your hero’s crowdfunded directorial debut.” Yes, to get vulnerable with you here, dear readers, I grew up on the internet and was a very big fan of Chris Stuckmann’s film reviews. To the point that I wouldn’t even watch a movie before watching his review first. What can I say? I was a blossoming young film bro. Yet with Shelby Oaks, it almost makes another old phrase come to mind, “those who can’t do, teach. Those who can’t teach, review.” 

Shelby Oaks follows Mia (Camille Sullivan, Normal, Shoresy) as she encounters a “bang” of a lead in the case of her sister’s, Riley (Sarah Durn, Where the Crawdads Sing) the host of the ghost-hunting YouTube channel Paranormal Paranoids, disappearance that took place 12 years prior. Based on this information, Mia begins her own trek to find out what actually happened to her sister and her co-hosts all those years ago. What follows is death, pagan rituals and kidnapping (oh my). 

Now the theme here folks is “Screenings So Bad,” and I will be honest I did not finish this flick my first time around. It had been around the 75-minute mark of the film’s 91-minute runtime (a big “twist” occurs here) that I checked out completely and began resenting Shelby and her stupid oaks for wasting my precious time. Though for the sake of this review, I went back and finished it only to still heavily dislike it. The plot is all over the place yet meanwhile (and I’m not even quite sure how it’s possible) gives us nothing at all. There’s allusions to a demon that possesses family lines, death/murder and then this weird mash-up of found footage and traditional footage. None of which is ever actually explained clearly to the viewer. Information we are given is spoon fed to the audience in a way where we get parts of the story, but don’t have to work for it. That information is then just glazed over at such a fast pace, you almost don’t register the plot until the credits start to roll. 

That all being said, it’s hard to stay so mad (but please believe that I will) when you can tell that Stuckmann is so ecstatic to have his turn at calling the shots and making a film. There’s a lot of well executed and haunting imagery throughout the film and the concept of switching from found footage to traditional is somewhat well executed in the first 20 minutes. After that it feels as though Stuckmann was so focused on making sure you knew who his influences were he forgot to give you an actual substantial movie. 

So watch it or don’t, either way it’s one you’ll have been glad you missed! —Yonni Uribe 

Ted 2
Director: Seth MacFarlane
Universal Pictures
Released: 06.26.2015

In anticipation of the now heavily-acclaimed second season of Ted (2024) the TV show, having not seen them previously I decided to go back and watch both films that inspired the TV prequel. Ted 2 is somehow significantly

worse than the first film, which itself I did not think was particularly great. The concept of the Ted Franchise centers around John (Mark Wahlberg) as he navigates his adult life along with his childhood friend Ted (Seth MacFarlane), a Teddy Bear John wished to life when he was eight years old. Although not perfect, the first film utilized this concept of friendship pretty well. John and Ted deal with being roommates together, jobs, engagements, etc and their dynamic with each other as well as with their love interests (Mila Kunis, Jessica Barth) is quite compelling. The second film strips all of this back, getting rid of John’s wife (Kunis) and reducing his role to not even the lead anymore. This film struggles to find its plot when it really shouldn’t be that hard. It doesn’t know if it wants to be a courtroom drama, a road trip movie, a nerdy reference fest, or a movie about two really good friends just living life. With too many ideas all at once, retreads of the worst points of the first film, and some of the dumbest jokes I’ve ever had the opportunity to indulge, Ted 2 does way too much when it doesn’t need to. The film tries to shoehorn in those moments of friendship between Ted and John that were so essential in the first film and the best part of the incredible TV series, feels so contrived and silly in this one. Yes, I say silly when referring to the movie that is about a bad mouthed, frequently intoxicated Teddy Bear. —Braden Reed

The Name of the Wind
Author: Patrick Rothfuss
Daw Books
Released: 04.01.2007

Worldbuilding is the essence of the fantasy genre. Thus, I want to acknowledge the wonderful descriptions and lore of The Name of the Wind ― widely considered a fantasy classic ― before my critiques. When I read this book back in 2019, I was intrigued by the mysterious and ominous Chandrian, the magical power of music and the expansive world. Sadly, that was not enough to shield my brain from the misogyny that pervades the book. It soured the entire text for me.

Every female character is objectified and (apart from the protagonist Kvothe’s mother) sexualized. When I think of this book, one line sticks rancidly in my head. The scene? A lecture hall full of men, one woman seated in the front row. The professor Hemme tells her “Would you please cross your legs?” She does, confused, and then he announces to the hall, “Now that the gates of hell are closed, we can begin.” Not one person in the room speaks up for her. If the intent of the narrative was to interrogate and overturn misogynist tropes, it would have. Instead, it digs deeper into them. The only woman character who is given more humanity than the others is the love interest Denna, and that is merely because Kvothe is crushing hard and gives her respect that is not afforded to any other woman in the book.

The misogyny that pervades the fantasy genre isn’t necessary. It ISN’T NECESSARY. If you’re going to create an entirely new world of magic and imagination, you should be able to imagine a world where women are actually human and not objects. If you’re able to enjoy and interact with The Name of the Wind, then I’m happy for you. It means you don’t feel the pain of your humanity being desecrated by the plot, the protagonist, and the overarching narrative and themes. ―Rebekah Bowman

That Which Was Lost
Director: Scott Whitaker
BYU Productions
Released: 1969

Growing up in Utah, I was exposed to countless Mormon films, and had a love-hate relationship with these strange spiritual education and proselytizing tools. Later, I was a tool myself for two years in the LDS Audiovisual Department, where I found That Which Was Lost, a cautionary tale of how counterculture and drugs imperil the youth. Rick, a Mormon teen, falls in with a group of hippies led by a Charles Manson-ish guru named Turtle, but Rick’s Home Teacher, Larry Webb, sets out to bring back this lost sheep. Larry must deliver Rick from the hippies, who ”make it hard for anyone to love them,” because of “the way they look, act and smell.” 

The dated and overtly judgmental messaging caused the church to bury this treasure, but Satan has dominion over YouTube. The filmmakers and cast approach That Which Was Lost not only as if they’re making high art, but are doing so for a higher purpose. This only makes for bigger laughs in moments such as when Larry locks eyes with the malevolent Turtle as he tries to stop a come-to-Jesus talk with Rick, icily shouting “Just let me DO MY THING, will ya, Turtle?” Perhaps the biggest guffaws come at the expense of Lily, Turtle’s “groovy” girlfriend, who seems to think she’s doing her Oscar clip when she tells Larry it’s too late for her, but not for Rick, and shrieks “Don’t try — GET HIM OUTTA HERE!!!”  In the end, Turtle runs from the police when Lily has a reaction to some bad LSD in public, and Rick sees the error of his ways and joins Larry in getting high on LDS. —Patrick Gibbs

The Wolf of Wall Street
Director: Martin Scorsese
Red Granite Pictures, Sikelia Productions, Appian Way Productions
Released: 12.25.2013

I’m sick and tired of people telling me I don’t understand a piece of artwork solely because I did not enjoy it. Because whilst I understand that The Wolf of Wall Street is not meant to glorify former criminal stock broker Jordan Belfort’s life, it sure does a shit job of doing so. Now let me preface this by saying: I have nothing wrong with sex, I like drugs and I like exuberance. Unfortunately however, I do not like bad movies. So in between strangely cut scenes of hedonistic brouhaha, I left this three hour nothing burger hungry for fries. 

There is so much to be taken from the life of that sales-savvy Jordan Belfort; his hubris, his patriarchal excess and his refusal to give up the gun. With such an apt character study to be made, the disappointment I felt when I realized I was watching a male power trip film that exists to spice up every finance bro’s MDMA-induced circle jerk was immeasurable. How could anyone take a person so wrought with biblical wrongdoings and still find nothing interesting to say? Not to mention the depiction of women in this film has gotten me back on my blue-haired SJW high horse (whom I ride like a valkyrie sent straight from liberal Valhalla.) The constant objectified depictions of women in this film are just… Sad…and do absolutely nothing to tell us how pathetic these guys really are. I’m not saying that films have to spoon feed its character’s villany, in fact I hate when they do, but I can’t help but look at the men of my generation in all of their looksmaxxery and wonder how films like The Wolf of Wall Street have contributed to this ever-growing culture of pitiful patriarchal insecurity. Considering the type of men the film’s stars Leonardo DiCaprio and Jonah Hill have turned out to be, I’m not surprised. Please no more empty bro films. These are my boundaries for movies. If you don’t seem to get it, it’s not my place to teach you. —Gabriella R.W.

Turning Red
Director: Domee Shi
Pixar Animation Studios
Released: 03.11.2022

As an Asian-American who grew up cherishing Pixar, I was elated when I learned they were finally featuring Asian culture in one of their films. There was strong evidence it would be potentially culture shifting like its predecessor that beautifully honored Mexican culture in Coco, or Soul (which is one of my favorite Pixar films) that gave justice to black culture while telling a compelling story. The disappointment and utter resentment I felt from my first viewing of Turning Red has prevented me from watching again until now. 

There are several reasons why Turning Red spirals into epic failure rather than joining the pantheon of several beloved Pixar films. First, it retroactively feels like a lazy AI copy-and-paste of Coco with the prompt “make it Asian and woke.” The fact that I have to describe it as woke, which is such a weak descriptor that makes anyone who uses it sound ignorant, makes me resent this movie even more. “My panda, my choice,” might be my most hated line from any movie period. 

Next, the main character feeds into stereotypes in a way that isn’t funny or clever. It’s boring, tiring and it’s a hack. Pixar really made their first Asian protagonist one of the least cool characters in their entire history by portraying her as the cliche nerd who aces her classes, but lacks the spine to stand up to her tiger-mom. Yawn. I was hoping that the Asian character wouldn’t literally be described by her classmates as a weird loser tryhard. She only shakes that label after she gains the magical ability to transform into a red panda overnight, which she uses to profit off her classmates so she can sneak off to a boy-band concert to rebel against her overbearing mother. She literally caves to peer pressure, only feeling validation when the red panda ability grabs more attention from her classmates than her dorky teacher’s pet persona.

Lastly, the film’s big joke is that during her first transformation, they liken her metamorphosis to a period joke that falls flat. Maybe if any of the characters had any sort of charisma or humor woven into any of their personalities, the period joke would have even elevated the film, but the utter lack of anything funny or compelling before or after makes the set-up to the period joke a cringey attempt at humor that had me turning red out of sheer embarrassment for everyone involved in the film. 

If you want to watch any movies that show how cool Asian culture can actually be, what a compelling dynamic between a mother-daughter looks like or even a coming-of-age experience for young women, literally throw a dart at a buzzfeed list. Odds are you’ll land on a better movie than Turning Red. But if you don’t, I’d recommend checking out Akira, Lady Bird, Studio Ghibli, and most of Bong Joon Ho’s filmography. —Sean Rinn

Twin Peaks: The Return
Director: David Lynch
Showtime
Released: 05.21.2017

I’ve learned one thing in my life: never disrespect David Lynch. So I’m sorry to say that Twin Peaks: The Return sucked ass. I watched it because I needed to know that my love, special agent Dale Cooper, was okay after seeing his fate in the very abrupt and unfortunate ending of the second season. My first complaint about the third season is that the acting was godawful. Did Lynch just pick anyone up off the street and let them become cannon in this cult classic? Not only were all of these new actors terrible, but can someone please tell me why the fuck they were there? So many conversations between characters I had never met before talking about things I knew nothing about and would never be revisited. Lynch was originally given nine episodes but turned that into 18. He could have cut half that shit out. While I was eager to see what happened next in the first two seasons, I felt like I was dragging myself through the third. Scenes went on for way too long; I watched absolutely nothing happen to someone I did not care about for minutes on end multiple times. My biggest complaint? Not enough Cooper. Lots of Kyle McLaughlin, but he’s either evil Mr. C or brain-dead baby-man Dougie Jones for most of the show. Things finally pick up during the last few episodes after he comes back, but he doesn’t really have the same charm he did before. And the ending? Even more unsettling than the unhappy ending of the second season. —Braxtyn Birrell

Read more Secondhand Screenings:
The Belated Valentine’s Edition of Secondhand Screenings
SLUG Magazine Presents: 31 Days of Secondhand Givings