The Tubi-lar Side of Secondhand Screenings

Listen, you can never escape the inevitable. Rivers dry up, summer becomes fall and fortunes (of all aspects) run out. In terms of Secondhand Screenings, the local thrift shops have been bringing in a whole big load of nothing, saturated by Poshmark vultures and Temu nonsense. We will be back another day, but for now, we must find a Plan B when it comes to uncovering lost media. Even if that means venturing into the stranger tides of… (gulp) streaming services. However, why should I hog all the fun?? So for this special edition of Secondhand Screenings, I gave our Editorial Interns three spins at the streaming roulette table as we took our chances in the Bermuda Triangle of on-demand movies, Tubi!

American Animals
Director: Bart Layton
Film4, New Amsterdam Film Company, RAW
In Theaters: 06.01.2018

I was looking for something perhaps a tad lighter for my second Tubi movie, so I settled on this mockumentary about a fictional heist undertaken by four highly-American, college-aged boys. American Animals stars Evan Peters (American Horror Story, Dahmer), and Barry Keoghan (The Banshees of Inisherin, The Killing of a Sacred Deer). They play two hometown buddies and high school grads who find themselves less than enthused by the prospect of growing up to become their parents and living as middle-class Americans in whatever capacity they may be able to manage. When wandering the supermarket, Peters’ character quips, “Everyone here thinks they’re going to win the lottery but no one buys a ticket,” which I thought to be a vague reference to the false hope that the “American Dream” lends people and the catatonic state you tend to find typical, middle-American society members carrying around, like a shroud over both their eyes and their dreams. To escape their respective, impending, existential dooms, the two friends enlist two more schoolmates in an absurd library heist. While this film felt dull and pointless at times, I do think this could’ve been done on purpose: referencing, again, the pointlessness of the search for that futile hope of us all… the American Dream. –Kyle Forbush

Bump In The Night
Creators: Ken Pontac, David Bleiman
Danger Productions
Aired: 09.10.1994

This pick is an acid trip down memory lane! I’ve always enjoyed good claymation: Wallace and Gromit, Gumby, Vanna Einerson on Love Island. The pain-staking hours put into making a single full-length film is a true craft, so making a season of 30-minute episodes sounds like dedication. Centered in a kid’s bedroom after midnight, a green sock-eating creature (Jim Cummings) embarks on misadventures and hijinks with his toilet-dwelling blob of a best friend and his rag doll, voice-of-reason girlfriend. It’s a jazzy nightmare fuel series with some of their weirdest cast of cryptid characters I’ve ever seen. It was also how I first discovered Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out,” believe it or not! I hate to slog off and say “they don’t make kid shows like they use to,” but God dammit! We need shows like this to be more than just interesting to look at, scaring the kiddies about the pure ambiguity of whatever goes bump in the night. —Alton Barnhart

Death Race 2000
Director: Paul Bartel
New World Pictures
Released: 04.27.1975

I genuinely love ‘70s cinema. There’s always something so gritty and uncompromising about it and Death Race 2000 is no exception. The film is set in a dystopian United States, now renamed the United Provinces in the year 2000, during the country’s biggest event, the Transcontinental Race. Racers with wrestler-like personas compete in the race and even get points for taking out pedestrians. Meanwhile, the fan favorite racer, Frankenstein (David Carradine), becomes the target of a plot by a resistance group. I have to applaud this film for its absolute lack of subtlety. This film is so over-the-top – in the acting, production design and costumes – it would be almost impossible to not discern the political and social satire. I mean, you see people waving flags with swastikas in the first scene, and one of the racers is a literal Nazi. Commenting on things from fandom and media to having the worst people in positions of power, I’d say this film has proven its timelessness. It also doesn’t hurt that we get pre-Rocky Sylvester Stallone as Frankenstein’s aggressive rival Joe “Machine Gun” Viterbo. –Angela Garcia

The Eight Diagram Pole Fighter
Director: Lau Kar-leung
Shaw Brothers Studio
In Theaters: 02.17.1984

Let me start by saying I am not very well-versed in martial arts films, mostly because I kind of assumed it’s all just an hour and a half of melodrama and fight choreography. Well, I gave it a shot here and… that’s exactly what it was. If you enjoy that kind of thing, I’m sure this movie is a classic. The choreography and set design was really killer, but the film drew up pretty short in terms of story. It’s a classic revenge tale about a man avenging his 5 brothers and father who were killed by a traitorous general working with the Mongols. There are two surviving brothers, one goes crazy and just doesn’t get better I guess, and the other becomes a monk, kills the general, then marches into the mountains and the film ends. I really don’t know what more to say than maybe keep this movie on in the background if you like heavily re-used weapon-clanging sound effects. —Cam Elliott

Mac and Me
Director: Stewart Raffill
Orion Pictures
Released: 08.12.1988

Oof, this was a rough watch — and I’ve sat through Threads bone sober. When a coke (cola)-addicted extraterrestrial is separated from his family on Earth, he befriends a wheelchair-bound boy. What ensues is a light hearted journey of friendship, love and a 20-minute McDonald’s commercial. This flick was devastating in all senses of the word. Take the script of E.T., take away the childlike wonder, throw in some grotesque practical effects for baby’s first body horror and package it in a Happy Meal as a ploy for partnership entrapment. And just like a Chinese bootleg, Mac and Me nearly rips off everything from the Steven Spielberg original. There’s the single mother archetype, the San Fernando Valley setting, run-ins with government agents and they even lure Mac with bite-size candies, replacing the Reese’s Pieces with Skittles. If E.T. is the “G.O.A.T.” then Mac and Me is the “P.F.A.B.” (Poop From A Butt). —Alton Barnhart

Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (MXC)
Creators: Paul Abeyta, Peter Kaikko, Larry Strawther
RC Entertainment, Inc.
Released: 04.13.2003

Any childish delinquent that spawned their humor through such classics like Jaboody Dubs or the depravity of YouTube Poops will find this to their likings. Pulled from literal footage of the 1980s Japanese game show Takeshi’s Castle, MXC comically overdubs the reality television obstacle course with improvised parodies. The kimono-wearing hosts are vulgar, the contestants are vile and the (seemingly harmless) challenges are deadly! Although some of the jokes can feel a bit outdated since most of its misogynistic dialogue comes courtesy of “the man’s network” Spike. It’s still a classic watch for those whose parents banned video games in the household, but gave zero fucks about what their kids watch… Hey mom! How could you not laugh at Wipeout-style spills and thrills, as the show’s lore is made up on the spot? If you didn’t already know, those with a keen eye can figure out I’m a huge fan. Just look for the caution tape yellow logo on my battle jacket the next time you see me. —Alton Barnhart

On Deadly Ground
Director: Steven Seagal
Warner Bros.
In Theaters: 02.18.1984

Woah, this might be the stupidest movie I have ever seen in my entire life, and I have seen a lot of stupid movies. This Steven Seagal classic sees just how far it can push the question, “how cool can we make this pudgy loser look?” And my answer is the harder you try, the stupider he looks. Our hero, Forrest Taft, is so badass that his credentials aren’t even listed, just guessed at by fumbling goons because he’s that cool. Seagal, as stiff as a washboard, mumbles his way through a spiritual awakening guided by an Inuit chief and receives a divine mission to stop an oil company from completing a rig. The company CEO, a confusingly American Sir Michael Caine, is a straightforward, profit driven antagonist. The shining role in this movie is taken by R. Lee Ermey as Stone, a take-no-nonsense mercenary leader. Ermey of Full Metal Jacket fame carries the only palatable performance of the movie, god knows how he got Shanghaied into this project. You could probably skip this movie, in fact, skip anything that ponytailed orangutan Seagal makes. —Cam Elliott

Phone Booth
Director: Joel Schumacher
Fox 2000 Pictures, Zucker/Netter Productions
In Theaters: 04.04.2003

This psychological thriller, starring Colin Farrell (In Bruges, The Lobster), is a classically over-urgent bit of ’90s-holdover cinematic candy corn. Farrell plays a self-obsessed, New York-suave publicist who makes a living lying in the media for desperate, fame-seeking nobodies. You soon find that the man’s lies unsurprisingly extend to his personal life when he steps into the last remaining phone booth in a grungy New York City street, from which he calls his girlfriend every day – but not before taking off his wedding ring. For all these dreadful deceits, and because this was a crime drama made in the early 2000’s, Farrell’s character becomes the target of an inanely self-righteous terrorist-sniper stationed somewhere up high, and spends the rest of the film trying to negotiate for his life. I personally love closed-setting films, like The Breakfast Club, which tend to stress the writing more than anything, and Phone Booth, even with all its hokey anecdotes and unsolicited morality takes, did not disappoint. —Kyle Forbush

The Silencers
Director: Phil Karlson
Columbia Pictures
In Theaters: 02.18.1966

Starring the Rat Pack’s Dean Martin, this 1966 spy thriller was a camp masterpiece through and through. Austin Powers eat your heart out! This film has all the over-the-top Bond tropes that you could ever want supported by a leading man who lends his vocal talent to narrate his internal monologues throughout the movie. I’ll say one thing: this movie was made in the 60’s, so be ready for some humor that doesn’t play today. And no, I don’t mean kitschy visual gags (I actually got a kick out of those) I mean the questionable themes towards women and the primary antagonist being a heavy white man in yellowface. There are charming and funny moments in this movie to be sure, equally there are uncomfortable and downright stupid moments in this movie, and if I weren’t such a big fan of Dino I don’t know if I could sit through this title in its entirety. —Cam Elliott

Slay
Director: Jem Garrard
Blue Ice Pictures, Tubi
Released: 03.22.2024

Scrolling through Tubi, I was caught off guard when I saw a cover that features RuPaul’s Drag Race alumni. Featuring the talents of Trinity the Tuck, Crystal Methyd, Cara Melle and Heidi N Closet, Slay follows a group of drag queens that find themselves performing in a redneck biker bar, only to end up fighting vampires alongside their conservative patrons. For a Tubi original, this film was a surprisingly good time. The charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent of each of the queens does a lot of the heavy lifting. However, the main reason to watch this film is just to see the chemistry, not only amongst the queens, but the rest of the cast as well. Riddled with one liners and vampires exploding into glitter, Slay is a campy good time that still ends up having lots of heart. This film would be the perfect addition to the spooky pride rotation, joining the likes of Fear Street and The Lost Boys. —Angela Garcia 

Titane
Director: Julia Ducournau
Neon, Kazak Productions
In Theaters: 10.01.2021

I’d heard of this one only vaguely, and probably more from its recognizably colorful poster. My friend Joey, who lives in Australia, says he’s seen it on the watch list of a cinephile he knows. Joey went to University of Southern California for screenwriting, and I always trust his instincts and insider info. Plus, he had never seen it either. We settled in, syncing up our start times from continents away, and that next 108 minutes was some of the most harrowing film viewing I’ve ever experienced. And I watched Infinity Pool in a dark basement. First of all, I had no notion of Titane being a horror. I didn’t read the description beforehand – just went off the fact that it was a Neon film and had a cool poster, but I found myself maybe wishing I had. It’s French body horror, just as a subtle warning. However, I will say that the film is completely original, even painfully so at times, and as outlandish as it was, its dissections of gender themes and the question of who and who doesn’t “deserve” redemption is thoroughly thought-provoking. All these aspects, in addition to its portrayal of characters as what I’ll call their “bare selves,” makes it a strangely insightful and even well-rounded film. The cinematography is also well done – it’s sleek, colorful and artfully shot. Give it a try. Whether you like it or not, it’s definitely one of the reasons streaming services have child locks. —Kyle Forbush

To Love a Ghost aka Phantom Love
Director: Madison Monroe
Surrender Cinema, Twilight Movies
Released: 04.25.2000

Curiosity got the better of me here. The cover got my attention because it reminded me of those classic ‘90s romance novels. I went into it expecting some level of eroticism, and I did get that — a lot more than I expected. This whole thing was basically softcore porn; it’s my fault for expecting some semblance of a plot, character development or chemistry, but I was still taken aback when the first thing I see are titties. I was like, “Wow, no foreplay?” To sum up the small semblance of a plot there is, a romance writer is sent on a trip to Florence, Italy to get inspiration for her next book and becomes obsessed with the journal of a rebellious 18th century woman. No one can act in this movie – the protagonist oscillates between having a British accent and no accent. Let’s be honest, a good story and good acting is not why people put this movie on because there’s a sex scene happening every five minutes. I guess I give them points for showing a sex scene with two women, although that goes nowhere. Also, my biggest disappointment was that no one has sex with a ghost in this movie, so I felt very lied to. —Angela Garcia

Read more Secondhand Screenings here:
The Saltiest Pseudo-Saints of Secondhand Screenings
Double Feature: Secondhand Screenings and Scriptures