Settle down, class. Today we are going to discuss proper St. Patrick’s Day etiquette. Hopefully, this tutorial will give you the skills to navigate this most hallowed beer day. Many of the “beer nerds” you may encounter likely consider St. Pat’s Day to be “amateur hour” for the majority of revelers. These simple tips and recommendations will hopefully strip that douche-bag aura from your hipster tendencies.

First off, NO GREEN BEER! If Yahweh, Odin, Quetzalcoatl or Vishnu had intended you to drink green beer, they’d have instructed their followers to make it from fucking kale! Please don’t be that ironic schlemiel. Go and find yourselves a nice, traditional pint of something amber, brown or tan hued. Second … There is no “second,” just avoid the green shit, capisce?

Now, I have compiled a few brilliant examples of locally made, traditional (mostly) Irish offerings. Please consider these before making any rash decisions.

Bruce’s 80 Scottish Ale
Brewery/Brand: Hoppers
ABV: 4.0%
Serving Style: On Tap
Description: This traditional creation from Hoppers brewmaster Donovan Steele is made with naked oats and roasted barley, and dry-spiced with coriander seed. The result is an amber-hued ale that’s very rich, toasty, roasty, smoky and malty with hints of fig and bourbon. If that’s not enough to get your pie hole salivating, the addition of East Kent hops add a slight crisp n’ clean bitterness to balance it all out. This one will disappear fast, so get on it!

McGrueh’s Dry Irish Stout
Brewery/Brand: Squatters
ABV: 4.0%
Serving Style: On Tap
Description: You absolutely must enjoy a stout on March 17, and while Guinness is a fine stout, there are so many better, locally made options out there for you. McGrueh’s pours black with a thick, creamy, tan, nitrogen head. Take a nice big whiff, and you’ll get punched with rich espresso and roasted biscuit. The taste starts with coffee, then turns to espresso. Heavily roasted malt comes next with a nutty smokiness in the end. Mild hops come late and provide a slightly dry finish. Guinness wishes it had McGrueh’s balls.

Hibernian Ale
Brewery/Brand: RedRock
ABV: 4.0%
Serving Style: On Tap
Description: Like a shillelagh to the back of the head, this traditional Irish ale smacks the senses with a barrage of malt, smoke and hops. Hibernian pours a nice, dark, reddish-brown color. I love to smell this beer! The combination of light smoke and pine just sucks me right in. The taste starts with roasted malts, cocoa and caramel. The end had a light, piney finish. For such a light beer, it has much more body than you might expect. This is the ale that Saint Patrick would want you to have.

With options like these, there’s no goddamn reason to swill that green piss that many watering holes will be offering. Class dismissed.

Sláinte and safe drinking!