Halloween is upon us, and, since the middle of last November, I’ve been asked, “What are you going to be?” ‘Tis true that it’s my favorite holiday, but, when it comes to costuming for the festivities, I admit that I don’t put months of thought into it.

When I was a child, my mother, Sister Suzanne Kennedy, was the queen of Halloween costuming—not only for us, but for herself as well. Having a background in modeling, she was heavily involved in theater (apple/tree), and would pull out all her mad skills to fit us into the crème de la crème of night creatures. One of my favorites was when I had seen a banshee in some Walt Disney flick, and Mom did a bang-up job with some shredded sheets, a couple rolls of gauze and white makeup to bring my nightmarish fantasy to life.

Mom is a huge advocate of the homemade costume—the thought of buying a pre-fab from Kmart is blasphemy. Once, at age 5, I literally laid down on the floor of said Kmart and threw a huge tantrum to get a Woody Woodpecker plastic jumper and mask. To my horror, I later found my evil kindergarten nemesis, Shane, sporting the same costume. Now, in my adulthood, I feel the same way Suzanne did. The one thing I hate with a murderous passion is the stupid costumes that all but have the word “whorey” before the costume description: whorey Alice in Wonderland, whorey cat or—the absolute whorey worst—whorey lady pirate. What’s the fascination of being a whorey anything for Halloween? Especially in a day and age when it is totally acceptable to dress as your sexy self every day?
All these stupid costumes do is let the rest of the world know you have the imagination of a stripper. It would be so much better—and I, for one, would give you the street cred you deserve—if you just came out dressed like a real, honest-to-God streetwalker.

Let me help you: First, you have go to a D.I. and hook the shortest skirt you can find. Next, you will need an ill-fitting bra and a tight-as-fuck baby tee that shows all your fat rolls, preferably with something like “Daddy’s Girl” on it. While at the thrift store, you can opt to get some ratty wig, or for a more authentic look, book an appointment at Fantastic Sam’s for an aggressive bleaching and spiral perm. Brush it vigorously till it has thinned out to about seven hairs, then AquaNet the hell out of it until it thickens up to look like 10. For the rest of the month, leave all of your kitchen cupboards open and keep the lights off whenever you go in. This way, you are sure to have the leg, arm and facial bruising necessary. Last, you will need to start shooting up, because no stank-ass whore is complete without track marks. A speedball before you walk out the door will give you the extra bit of authenticity to impress your friends. Wrap up the costume with a piece of gum, some giant hoop earrings and a prescription for Valtrex, and ta-da!

My Halloween wish, if you will, is for people to bring the imagination back into their costumes—a little bit of humor or some extreme gore. I want to see the craft put back into “witchcraft!” It’s easier than you think, and some of my best costumes were made at the last second. Here are a few of Princess Kennedy’s household tips to a tran-tastic Halloween costume.
Anything can be used for a costume: Drapes worn as a skirt, stuffed with throw pillows, a lingerie top and some cotton batting as a wig makes a fierce Marie Antoinette costume. Know anyone with a leotard or Speedo? Make yourself an aluminum foil medal and you can be any number of the Second Place Olympians. For you bigger boys, nothing is more hilarious than a 6’ 7”, 200 lb lady gymnast. If you are pulled more by the gore, here are a few tips we use in the theater makeup world. One cup of corn syrup with three drops of red food coloring and one drop of blue make easy and delicious fake blood. The same color combo in liquid laundry detergent will make a stain-free alternative for your clothes. If you want to dirt-stain your zombie wear, simply smear it with cocoa powder. Instead of costly, messy color hair sprays, I suggest sidewalk chalk. If used wet, you can even get black hair pink. Last of all, keep a tube of eyelash glue on hand, as you can glue almost anything to the human body with it, like thread for stitches.

Those are just a few quick and easy ideas to make your All Hallows’ Eve a bit more original and even more spooktacular than ever. Just remember, ghoulfriend, nothing will be as scary as me coming across any of my readers in a naughty nurse outfit!

Happy Haunting!