Love month, oh God, how I hate you! Making me face my biological clock counting down further and further, every year. I swear, I can’t take another Valentine’s Day watching these codependent, lovesick fools gazing at each other like head-injury victims.

Last year, I wrote about relationships and how, against my better judgment, I had somehow fallen into the web of lady love and found myself actually caring for someone. Unfortunately, I fucked it up with my big mouth and lost “Dude” because I accidentally showed a naked photo of him to a friend’s sister, who turned out to be in his inner circle of high school friends that he still hangs out with—loser! After labeling me as filth, he never talked to me again. Whatever, don’t be a closet case, you fucking faggot, and you won’t have to worry about my big pie-hole spilling the secret that you’re a big bandit to anyone. The thing is, I kind of like this aspect of my dating life. The “down low” tend to make my life a little easier with low expectations and none of the annoying puppy-dog-trailing-behind-me antics that make me crazy. However, I still have to deal with some of the issues of coupling that make my stomach turn.

For example, I got a message from a really hot guy asking me out. Turns out he’s 19, follows my writing and mustered up the courage to ask me out. “Holy shit,” I thought to myself, “Can I do that?” Why the fuck not, I decided. He’s only a couple of years younger than me and I look great for a 33-year-old (fuck you), and who doesn’t jump at a chance to get it on with a horny 19-year-old? So I did.

This was such a big mistake! We met for a movie, hung out all night and had amazing 19-year-old sex. It was all good until a couple of days later when I started to slowly go insane. Suddenly, I started reverting back into a 19-year-old girl. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I was waiting by the phone, all consumed by the fact that he wasn’t calling me. I made up all sorts of scenarios in my head that he thought I was ugly or dumb. He was aloof when we talked, the tone of our texting changed after we slept together … OH GOD, what did I do wrong?!

I’ll tell you what: I went too far out of my age range and lost my ever lovin’ mind, that’s what. He is just a typical 19-year-old and I am a big old plate of crazy with a generous side of neurosis sauce. I needed to run away as fast as I could and not look back. I would never date someone my own age—thank God I’m hot enough that I don’t have to—but I don’t ever need to get wrapped up in such an age gap again.

Dating rules are so different with age distance, and I don’t think I am stable enough, obviously, to deal. What would a break-up be like? I shudder to think. These days, with how far technology has come, the secrets you share with your partner are just a click away.

What happened to the days of breaking into your ex’s house and boiling their kid’s bunny? Gossip websites and social networking are all there at anyone’s disposal to spill your deepest and darkest, especially with sites like Have you seen this? It’s this horrible/fantastic site where you can post your ex’s Facebook page and every naked pic they ever sent you, along with all the personal info they shared that they never wanted anyone to know. It’s becoming huge across the country, and what is worse is that they have regional pages—yes, there is one for SLC. For example: Professional skier and local Tanner Hall is featured on our fair city’s page (nice cock for a little ginger). This is my worst nightmare, which is why I have a rule: I never send sexy pics, ever! I’m not above flashing yours around, though, so word to the wise: Just show your junk in person, because the best break-up revenge story I’ve heard was when a guy sent his ex chick’s nudie finger-bang pics to her dad.

Happy Valentine’s, and keep it in your pants.