Cottonwood Crawl: Two Dudes with a few Brew Reviews

Aye, ye olde bar crawl! When inebriated bodies go toe-to-toe in a trek, the outcome is endless. The night life of downtown SLC yearns for such tendencies, but on Wasatch Boulevard, a new crawl beckons any soul that tempts a bit of amber. The newly-discovered Cottonwood Crawl: eight bars, three miles and a sip from each stop. So pocket a traveling flash for one boozy adventure!

Porcupine Pub & Grille

I’ve been going to Porcupine Grille for years, so I’ve seen the staff shift and the times change, but like the ship of Theseus, it’s still somehow the same place underneath it all. The nachos are my favorite, and the crowd is a perfect blend of ski bums, nine-to-fivers, rosy-cheeked families and locals hunched over the bar. Somewhere among them are my friends and me, enjoying the Wasatch views and, for whatever reason, the best Guinness in SLC. Porcupine is a staple in my restaurant rotation. It’s hard to find a place so consistent that you can take out your stress on a heaping pile of nachos (try them with Philly steak added) and still invite your grandma to bear witness to the carnage. —Jacob Kay

Eight Settlers Distillery

With a scorched scent of hickory and powerfully warm atmosphere, Eight Settlers Distillery was the high society folk. Its leather chairs and brickeddining room felt out of our league, especially when their crystallized chandeliers illuminating the bar top. This is reflected best in its crafted spirit menu. While discussing the complexities of Benjamin Button, our waitress brought us some signature sips. There was my friend’s cocktail, Bourbon and Bonefire, that tingles the tongue like your grandmother’s liquor cabinet set on fire in an attempt to break it open. I, on the other hand, ordered the seven-year Cabernet Rye served in a glass-blown shot glass (complete with micro bubbles of imperfections). Although it was velvety like baby seal slippers, its octane makes me steal the Model A out front. —Alton Barnhart

The Yeti Bar & Lounge

Utah adores its rogues gallery of cryptids. Your classic skinwalkers or the newly-discovered White Salamander will always stand as royalty. However, a boarish skunk ape has staked its claim at the mouth of Big Cottonwood Canyon. Darkly lit and shrouded in mystery, The Yeti Bar & Lounge stands dominant in its winter, snowtop endowment. Once those glass doors opened, the lounge felt sphinxlike with a smell of exotic edibles and a trophy wall of Malaysian artifacts taken from the Expedition Everest queue. While swirling in my head from intermittent sips and wildlife footage of baby sea turtles being devoured playing on the flat screen, we finally ordered the drinks. Mine was the Stolen Goods; a bourbon-based cocktail with buckwheat, lemon and the slight tang of trench foot. —Alton Barnhart

The Hog Wollow Pub

There’s no naked mud-wrestling here, despite what the name suggests. Hog Wallow is likely labeled a bar on every search engine, but it more appropriately should be called a tavern. It has a certain old-world flair. One of my personal tastes that leads me back to a given watering hole is this mysterious “it” factor I call “pub energy.” That is to say: not pretentious, filled with a wide array of folk all chatting together, with a well-picked live band and a hint of tobacco smoke wafting in. It’s not a perfect science, but Hog Wallow has it. It is the people’s tavern, powered by a wellspring of ale and apparently good ribs, with a high chance of sharing a laugh with a stranger. For all you Tolkien geeks, it’s the closest thing we have to the Green Dragon. (Check out the garden-esque patio area for more Shire goodness.) —Jacob Kay

Canyons Edge Sports Pub

I am not exactly the target audience for sports bars in general, but I have been to this one. It has TVs, alcohol and… wait, isn’t this place ‘Bout Time? No? Canyons Edge? Okay, got it! My favorite two things about this place were the pool table and the jukebox. The pool table was lonely, while the jukebox was a true friend, open to playing anything if I had the money. If you are in the mood to watch grown men sweat on each other, this place has the screens; you’ll see every pore on your champion’s forehead. Personally, I would totally go back to watch the Utah Jazz lose or show that pool table a good time. While not my usual haunt, we had great service, and the wings were a smidge better than I expected. —Jacob Kay

7Sins Cocktail Bar

Trampling around in the muddy dark, we came to an expected mourning for our dearly departed Elixir Lounge. Its storage husk of bartops and pool chairs has come over with a devilish possession, metamorphosing the insides with darkened chains and night-crawling habits. It was dumb luck that we arrived on the exact night of 7Sins’ launch party, but boy, was it a winner’s gambit! The dancefloor glowed in oceanic blue hues, physiologically syncing with the bloodbath tones of the bar. The stop was plentiful, with tall glasses of frothy cocktails and even taller glasses of iced holy water to chase out evil spirits. Headaches and face droopage began to settle in, but we springboarded back into action when the dancefloor was bewitched by Mark Morrison’s “Return of The Mack.” Through passed roses and shared cigarettes, 7Sins was a coven of a good ol’ time. I just hope the lady in the beige sweater planking on the women’s bathroom floor is doing alright. I kept seeing her in a drunken pretzel entanglement every time the door swung open… —Alton Barnhart

Bandits’ Grill and Bar

In a daze of glory and nearly upchucking the buffalo wings from Canyons Edge, I say with a heavy heart that we never made it to Bandits’. There were conflicts within the group, debating if the establishment is worthy enough to be part of the crawl. And after coming back a week later, I still have mixed feelings. Their strip of Americana is barbequed in their burgers and sandwiches, plus their stocked taps of lagers and liquor are a thumbs up. However, the true allure is in its Hobbiton brickwood and driftwood ceiling art — screaming restaurant and barely whispering bar. Then again, starting your crawl near the Holladay top can be very beneficial to have a T-bone steak welcoming the bourbon bullets. —Alton Barnhart

The Cotton Bottom Inn

A local favorite that everyone kept a close eye on when it was purchased back in 2020 by the Bar-X group, fearing that it would be paved into some copy-paste chain by vampires who loathed the smell of garlic burgers. Then the unthinkable happened: they retained the spirit and the menu of the original (they added fries; it was a good thing) and, against all odds, kept the original bar and vintage beer signs. Thanks, Ty Burrell! I return regularly for those garlic burgers. They are divine and ensure one emanates a fog of sour musk for a day afterward, but it’s worth it every time. You can always walk off the burger at Knudsen Park down the street, which my good friend’s grandpa helped preserve. Shout out to Cotton Bottom for embodying that same idea of keeping the original alive. —Jacob Kay

Read more about the bar scenes in Salt Lake City:
Beyond the Bar: How Shantelle Pace is Crafting Up Cocktails Through Online Mixology
It’s a Crispy Boy Revolution and Utah Backed Right into it