There’s Something in the Woods: Utah’s New and Improved Cryptid

Consider me one of the Baudelaires because I’m a magnet for unfortunate events. It’s sheer tenacity and pure luck that got me where I am today, but I would be hard-pressed not to credit some of my strange and peculiar experiences to my background as an amateur occult detective. Whether seeking out a lucky jackalope’s foot or nearly harpooning the grinning sacred whale on 9th and 9th, I’ve seen it all. I escaped skin-walkers by the skin of my teeth, hunted for treasure with some warty, blind toad rubberneckers and even squared up to the reanimated Joseph Smith sphinx statue from Gilgal Sculpture Garden. Unmasking the ghouls and goblins of Deseret is a labor of love, but when I heard whispers of something lurking around in the Cottonwood canyons, I expected a simple snoop for Utah’s new local legend. What I encountered, however, was far from easy…

Reports of a gangly ogre figure terrorizing ski bums and family hiking trips were nothing out of the ordinary. At first, my findings pointed to the Turnt Rabbit — some lumbering, naked drunkard carrying around a pump-action wearing a gas mask fitted with leather bunny ears. However, all those who had seen the brute were influenced by campsite mushrooms or by drinking whatever was left inside the abandoned fridge in the Uintas. Plus, those who unfortunately perished to the Turnt Rabbit sustained strangulation or shotgun blast. And those unlucky enough to not survive have seen deep lacerations all over the torso, according to the autopsy reports.

Some have blamed it on a peculiar video circulating of a mysterious metal man in the sky. Standing on a cloud like The Rocketeer with shiny, silver armor, grainy footage of this creature caught the attention of our WorldStar Hip Hop of the Wasatch, @slcscoop. Although I admire their raw approach to new-age journalism, their “shoot first, ask questions later” chops give us only half the picture. A quick fact check determined that the metal man footage was captured in Thailand nearly a decade ago. I’ll still be tuning into all the car wrecks and strange situations that @slcscoop covers because trust me, nothing’s freakier than those. Besides, the clattering metal suit would ring through the canyons like tin cans on a newlywed’s bumper.

It’s safe to say that I was running low on leads: Hobbitville was evicted and is now a historic landmark, cuddly old Ephraim hasn’t been spotted in years and I even questioned the mythical snipes whose squeaking provided me with nothing. It was time to take matters into my own hands. With a weathered map of the canyon trailheads (and a subscription to Netflix), I found our beast. Late one night on the other side of the Dimple Dell trail, I looked upon a towering amphibian rising from the stream below. Its hunter green skin was slimed with streaks of orange spots stretched to catcher’s mitt palms, ending in long claws like pairing knives. It reached for a hanging, patchwork jacket made of many hides — cow, wolf, sheep, even what looked like a sliced rosy ass cheek with a stick-and-poke heart tattoo. Without warning, the beast looked at me in a bright, glimmering ray of heavenly light… I awoke three hours later laying outside my Volvo, with a sudden newfound knowledge of what this thing was. I had my answer!

In the 1980s, a professional forger named Mark Hofmann sold documents to the LDS Church claiming that a white salamander told Joseph Smith where to find the golden plates. The letter itself was completely false, which led to a few bombings and Hofmann’s incarceration (that part’s not a joke). However, the legend of this divine salamander still lurks on, and those who wander in search of some type of truth will be rewarded. My dear readers, if you dare to find this folksy amphibian, heed this warning: Whatever truth you hope to find with the salamander, may God have mercy on your soul.

Read more from SLUG Associate Editor Alton Barnhart here:
Ramblin’ Rods Race Towards Tomorrow
Out-Fashioned and Outnumbered: The Women that Run My Life