Product Reviews – June 2012

Bern Brentwood Helmet

Brentwood Helmet
There are many reasons why one should wear a bike helmet and many stupid reasons why people don’t. If you are pedaling your fixie to the Twilite Lounge and don’t want to mess up your fresh, new, shitty Skrillex haircut, then yeah, I get it, don’t wear a helmet. In fact, hipsters not wearing bike helmets is actually OK with me because I’m a huge fan of Darwinism and weeding out the stupider humans through accidents that could have been prevented. As for me, I’ve been hit by a car on two occasions, and both times I wasn’t wearing a brain bucket. I’ve tempted fate enough and recently upgraded my dome protector from my shitty, smelly old skateboard helmet to a legit Bern Brentwood helmet. As you can see from the picture, I look damn good in it. Bern helmets are oozing style. On top of looking good, the Brentwood is comfortable and functional. It comes with a snap-in replacement skullcap/ear-warmers so you can pedal all season. You can pick up the Brentwood or other Bern helmets at Bingham Cyclery locations or anywhere else cool. –Mike Brown

The Aviator: Tortoise Frames
Over the past year, the world as I see it has become more and more blurry. Focusing on objects more than five feet away gives me a headache, and traffic lights look like a twisted, Rastafarian flag. It wasn’t until I borrowed my boyfriend’s glasses to watch a Jazz game on TV that I finally realized and admitted that something was wrong. Fearing the thought of spending my entire paycheck at the eye doctor, I put my vision on the backburner. Squinting had gotten me this far, so what was a little bit longer? One night, while perusing blogland, I came across A fellow blogger was talking them up and I wanted to see what the hype was all about. It was love at first squint. Not only are their glasses fashionable, they are affordable. Ranging from $99 to $119, I was hooked. I began using their “Virtual Try-On” to test out every pair. You can try on as many as you like and no one is there to push you into buying this or that pair. The best part about Bonlook? Upon checking out, you can enter in your prescription and they will fill it for you for free. Seriously! I basically sprinted to the eye doctor, demanded a vision test and was on the phone with Bonlook as soon as I got my prescription. Hello, Tortoise Aviators, I love you. The world is a beautiful place and you deserve to see it clearly. Thanks, Bonlook! –Karamea Puriri

SLAP Frozen Energy
Feeling a bit rundown, overworked, stressed or hungover? Do you need that pick-me-up that only cocaine or speed can provide, but don’t want to lose your job and be labeled a junkie? Well, SLAP Energy has got the solution for you. Stick them in your freezer and after just three minutes of thaw time, you’ve got in your hand a cold frosty pack a punch of sugar, caffeine and other natural ingredients (not tested by the FDA). With several putrid flavors to rock the socks off your taste buds, SLAP will have your hands shaking, eyes twitching, teeth grinding and heart palpitating in no time at all (but be careful not to consume more than two in 24 hrs for other unwanted side effects may occur). SLAP is not intended for babies, kids, teens, pregnant men or women, those that intend to ever be fertile at all and the elderly (over 30). SLAP is recommended as a supplement for an evening of heavy drinking where the presence of an upper and downer will create a euphoric experience similar to ecstasy without all the touchy feely awkwardness. Make sure to consume one more in the morning if your heart is not functioning at a “normal” level. Enjoy responsibly! –Shawn Mayer

Grey Low Cut Shoe
YOURS shoes are the newest kids in the footwear game, hailing straight from our backyard in Salt Lake City. These shoes, offered in a two-tone colorway, embrace simplicity and function. The canvas upper provides durability and flexibility without giving out in the heel cup. A vulcanized sole provides enough support between your arches and pavement to offer comfort while providing a slipper-like feel. The wax-cotton laces, although not the best for lacing, bestow the proper aesthetics for that dock look. At $70 a pair, these shoes are geared toward the fashion-friendly male (only offered in men’s sizes 7-12). Whether you’re riding a fixed gear, sailing the open seas or crashing your local dive bar, YOURS shoes will let everybody know you’re a true hipster with style! To view their styles or order a pair of these, please visit their website. –Shawn Mayer

Zeal Optics
Penny Lane Sunglasses
When I was handed Zeal Optics’ Penny Lane sunglasses, I was anxious to try them out. The shape is an OK-but-still-trendy rectangular lens that lends itself to the culture and look of “chic outdoorsman.” I dug the pattern: a grey-and-black plaid with a “Z” on the arms. The fit was perfect. You know how cheap glasses pinch the back of your head when you wear them for a long time? Zeals don’t do that. I don’t think I’ve ever worn such comfortable and well-fitted frames. Another thing that is cool about these shades is their polarized lenses. I don’t invest in well made glasses, so I had to research what polarized was. To those clueless like me, it means they cut glare and adjust to indoor/outdoor light. Polarized glasses are healthy for your eyes. Patients recovering from eye surgery of any kind are prescribed polarized glasses. After wearing my Zeals for about a month, I realized how much better off I was with a decent pair of sunglasses. It is kind of a pain having to keep track of them like I do with my keys and cell phone, but they came with a big zip-up case that is too gigantic to lose. The company is based out of Colorado, and for the quality of what they’re offering, the price point is very reasonable ($109). Zeals are a great buy. –Lauren Paul

Zeniick Watches
“Swatch dogs and diet coke heads,” rang Veronica Sawyer’s biting adolescent commentary in the teen comedy Heathers. While I won’t vouch for cola-flavored sugar water (stop kidding yourselves and drink the real thing, pansies), bright plastic watches with funky fresh colorways are my bread n’ buttah (as is ’80s Winona Ryder in a plaid skirt and saddle shoes, yowza!), which is why Zeniick’s blend of ’80s nostalgia and straightforward functionality barks up my alley faster and with more gusto than Ray Cappo’s opening declaration on We’re Not in This Alone. These watches come in four colors: (Razzy) Red, (Wicked) White, (Bitchin’) Black and (Sexxxy) Silver (Zeniick marketing, call me!). Wrapped up in a slim, stylish and numberless design with leather bands sporting a steel, water-resistant face, and a $27.95-and-up price tag, they run roughly nine times cheaper than that Youth of Today longsleeve you’d end up copping on eBay to match. Plus, with removable faces and bands, they’ll tie any ensemble together. This local company’s done real good with a Kickstarter campaign, so peep the site to snag some of your own. –Dylan Chadwick