Mike Brown: Twitter!

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In an era where almost everyone is connected digitally through a cell phone, I’ve realized that I’ve grown up in a strange transitional time in regards to technology. When I first started trolling for puss in bars roughly 12 years ago, it was a much different process than, “Let me friend request you on the ol’ FB, sneak in some Instagram pics of you and your friends, blog about it on my Tumblr, then text you my number only to receive no reply.”

Back in 2000, rejection took a different, more direct route. You had to talk to the object of your affection face to face, get a land line number on a matchbook or napkin (a true player back then always had a Bic pen on), wait three to five days to call her, have an awkward conversation on the phone (no pussy-ass texting) and/or get permanent female leg closure confirmed IRL—that means “In Real Life.”

That’s just how it was. Can you imagine trying to get laid these days without using any form of digital networking outside of a good, old-fashioned phone call? Is that even possible? Has anyone had sex without somehow using Facebook or texting or e-mailing in the last five years? Outside of prison or marriage—which kind of is prison—that is. I’m surprised there isn’t a Dos Equis Man beer commercial where the narrator is like, “He can get laid, without sending a text.”

I’m using sex as an example, knowing fully that it’s just one facet of humanity that the Internet age has dramatically affected. There are still dramatic leaps and bounds science needs to take to advance cyber-masturbation, but it’s still amazing how all areas of our lives have changed over the last decade or so. It’s like technology is right at the threshold where the robots are helpful to humanity, but they are about to take over, Terminator 3 style.

One of those amazing digital tools that has affected me personally over the last year has been Twitter. I’ve become obsessed with it as of late, and I have noticed that a lot of my friends completely don’t understand Twitter. The concept is simple, but its appeal might not be. As far as social media goes, it’s kind of like Facebook and MySpace had a one-night stand of intense fucking while their retarded older cousin, Friendster, stood in the corner and watched. They tried to terminate the pregnancy, but Twitter crawled out of the abortion bucket, grew up faster than either one of them could anticipate, and became its own special breed of monster––so big that almost every Super Bowl ad is now accompanied with a #hashtag. Twitter has not only become a new way to connect socially, but it’s its own kind of marketing machine that must give Rupert Murdoch a boner the size of Texas.

I’ll try to briefly explain how it works. You create an account using whatever name you want. For example, I’m @Fuckmikebrown. It can either really be you or it can be an alter ego or just a fake account. Instead of putting out a friend request, you simply follow or unfollow whoever you want. I choose to follow mostly rappers, NBA players and porno stars. Other tweeters decide to follow or unfollow you. You can also have a Twitter feed where you don’t tweet at all and just follow a bunch of dipshits.

As far as sending out a tweet goes, you only have 140 characters to work with—not 140 words, but characters, as in letters and spaces. Everything needs to be blunt and to the point. No rambling on Twitter.

The bluntness and direct approach that Twitter utilizes has inadvertently turned it into a great shit-talking forum—another reason I love to tweet. If you want to tell me how bad my last article sucked, you have another medium to let me know. In fact, every tweet that I get about how bad this article sucks, I’m going to personally re-tweet, so all my followers will know what you think!

Watching different people talk shit to each other via Twitter is one of my favorite things. You know that awesome feeling you get when you see a couple fight in public? Where you’re just, like, so fucking glad that it’s not you getting barraged by some bitch for something stupid? It’s like that, but publicly documented for your enjoyment.

Speaking of shit talking, Twitter has overtaken the sports world like no other. The majority of NBA ballers have Twitter accounts. I know it might sound pathetic, but I like to tweet at LeBron James and Manu Gianobli at least once a week, reminding them of what pieces of shit I think they are. It’s satisfying. Sadly, Kobe doesn’t tweet.
Since SLUG hits the streets on a Friday, I’m going to end this article with my own follow Friday, or #FF if you will: @LostTacoVendor, @NotBillWalton, @kfuckinp, @ChrisKaman, @fakejerrysloan, @aroughlife, @SLUGMag, @Johnny_UT, @DannyJWoodhead.