Lil Buddies!!!

The big skateboard bang of popularity that has exploded in the early 2000s has brought with it many pros and cons. On one side of the coin, a legitimate professional skateboarder can now be paid what he’s worth. On the shit side of this coin…well, there are numerous things on the shit side of this coin. Each topic is worthy of an article. But for now I’ll try to keep the focus on just one ramification of skateboarding’s somewhat newfound popularity. This ramification is the Lil’ Buddy.

First allow me to define just what exactly the Lil’ Buddy is, then I’ll explain its origins. By definition, the Lil’ Buddy is any pre-pubescent rolling around mindlessly at any skate park seemingly trying to disturb any form of recreational enjoyment that a skateboarder might accomplish. The Lil’ Buddy is usually wearing a crooked bicycle helmet and full pads, accompanied by a Wal-Mart $15 skateboard, although he/she is not necessarily limited to this uniform. Many times Lil’ Buddies will be on rollerblades, or even scooters.

Sometimes Lil’ Buddies will congregate and travel in herds. Although this is devastating to skate park etiquette, it is somewhat uncommon, seeing as most Lil’ Buddies have very few friends.

Another phenomenal aspect of the Lil’ Buddy is his poor communication skills. Usually when one asks the Lil’ Buddy to move away from a certain obstacle one is trying to skate, he will actually move towards, or on, thus mentioned obstacle. Fascinating! Annoying, but fascinating. Perhaps there is a secret language all its own that only Lil’ Buddies can understand. It might be a backwards-language of sorts.

It seems that the only language that Lil’ Buddies can understand is the universal language of pain. Sometimes, whether accidental or not, the only efficient way to let a Lil’ Buddy know that he is in your way is to run him the fuck over.

That last statement may sound cruel. One might be thinking that they could just go to the skate park and run over any little kid in their line of sight. This is very untrue. A Lil’ Ripper will not face the pain-filled consequences that the Lil’ Buddy must endure. And a Lil’ Ripper, by definition, is just that, a Lil’ Ripper: A small pre-pubescent who already grasps the concepts of skate-park etiquette and is quite efficient at staying the fuck out of the way.

Sometimes a Lil’ Buddy will evolve into a Lil’ Ripper, although it is rare. Usually the Lil’ Buddy evolves into a Big Buddy and trades in his rollerblades and piece of shit skateboard for a BMX bike, thus enhancing his ability to get in the way of obstacles at the skate park. Big Buddies are just as annoying and hurt more when you run them over because BMX bikes have those stupid pegs on them. Please just finish your paper routes and stay out of the skate-park. You’ll make more money and everyone will be happier in the long run.

Hopefully you now have a clear visual and definition of the Lil’ Buddy. But a few questions remain; where did they come from and why are they here?

Whether you are a Creationist or a Darwinist, this question has no clear answers. Creationists believe that when God and Jesus created the skate park on the seventh day while they were resting, they created the Lil’ Buddy and used the leftover concrete for his brain. This might explain the natural gravitational pull Lil’ Buddies have towards the funnest obstacles in the skate park.

However, most Darwinists believe the Lil’ Buddy evolved naturally. Spawning from a neo-soccer-mom’s wretched pussy, he was spoon-fed Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater as soon as his thumbs were big enough to wrap around an X-Box controller. From there, the Lil’ Buddy convinced his overprotective mother to get him a skateboard. And after the Lil’ Buddy’s mom saw skateboarding on ESPN, she decided she could live vicariously through this activity seeing how it’s now on par with other sports I hate, like football and baseball (But not basketball, I fucking love Basketball).

I considered interviewing a Lil’ Buddy while doing research for this article, but after identifying the above-mentioned communication skills of a Lil’ Buddy, I knew an interview would be counter-productive. If I asked him who his favorite skater was, he would just reply, “Tony Hawk!” or, “BAM! I love BAM! His MTV show is so funny!” If I asked a Lil’ Buddy what his favorite trick was, he’d surely say something ridiculous like, “The kickflip 900 stailfish!” or some other trick easily maneuvered by a video game character but far from the boundaries of real-life skating.

The biggest reason why I decided not to interview a Lil’ Buddy was that I was deathly afraid that he would mistake my communicating with him for friendship, thus forcing me to always talk to him every time I’m at the skate park. I like kids and all, but I don’t really go to the skate park to kick it with ten-year-olds. Guys who do that are just fucking creepy.

In conclusion, I’d like to state that I think that Lil’ Buddies are mostly direct effects of bad, bad parenting. You’d have to be a bad parent to let your kid play tag in the middle of a 12-foot bowl. Letting your child ride rampant on a wobbly scooter through a crowded street course is like teaching them how to throw a Frisbee across I-15. It’s just a matter of time before someone gets smacked. Lil’ Buddies also make me wish that I had Child Welfare Services number on speed dial. Because to me, Lil’ Buddy syndrome is child abuse.