A still from Cronos in the August 1994 issue.

Movie Review: Cronos: August 1994


Movie Review: Cronos
Director: Guillermo del Toro

Okay, it’s well past two o’clock in the morning and I gotta get this goddamn review into SLUG Mag first thing tomorrow. I ended up getting drunk again and watching this movie at a friend’s house. Now I gotta kick something out before I pass out. Watching movies is hard work. We actually have to make connections between what we see on the screen and our real lives. Really, how often does a movie really say something that speaks directly to you? Especially when it’s a goddamn vampire movie!

Okay, let’s talk about morality. Morality is something everyone can relate to, right? Or not. At least everybody should  think about it. It’s important, the meaning of life and the hereafter and all that. Should I spend all of my time racking up brownie points for heaven, or do I live for today because tomorrow I’m compost? Is there anything at all to the mystical mumbo-gumbo that I read about in the Catalyst, or should I stick to my existential cynical gut feelings? Mexican-vampire flicks kinda bring these questions to mind, especially those with the kind of genre-bending that “Cronos” has. Whew! Is this film tacky or brilliant? Is there a contradiction there? 

Popular opinion holds that most humans don’t feel they live long enough. They didn’t get to do everything they wanted to do, they wish they had time to improve their relationship with their kids or their parents. The question this film raises is, is longevity a goal in itself or is it the quality of life that is important? Hmmm! I want a second opinion from Jack Croakvorkian.

Did I mention yet that Jean-Luc Godard is an asshole?

Oh yeah, I got a really great quote from this movie…you see, the first time Jesus Gris dies, the undertaker says (while primping the corpse up) “You gotta be a fucking artist”. His assistant retorts to “Just don’t overdo it, we’re cremating him.” I don’t know, maybe you had to be there.

And hey junkies, listen up, this film has a heavily symbolic needle-fix theme through it–Just don’t mix your bug-juice with heroin or you’ll be sorry .You’ll get the morel-mushroom complexion and give a whole new meaning to the word “bloodthirsty”.

I’m gettin’ the feeling this review is derivative of Joe Bob Briggs. Speaking of which, “Cronos” has no breasts (female that is), four dead bodies (counting Jesus Gris thrice), Grecian Formula 44 , and a drive in nomination for dog-boy (not to be confused with pig-boy) for saying ”Christ walked on water…we do mosquitos”. Three stars, check it out! Let’s call it a night. –SLUG Staff

Read more from the SLUG Archives:
Record Reviews: April 1991
On the Cover: Anger Overload: December 1993