Author: Dear Dickheads

Dear Dickheads,

I have spent the last four years listening to ‘sheep’ who have had their political information chewed up and given to them by Sean Hannity, Dr. Laura, Bill O’Reilly, et al. These retarded rednecks then regurgitate the bits of ‘fact’ they have received and see themselves as able political ‘debaters’. I am goddamn sick and tired of hearing right wing political opinions, but if I raise my voice to dissent, then I become the office pariah and have to sit alone at lunch time. These people let me know about President Clinton’s transgressions, Rocky Anderson’s single-handedly stopping the Legacy Highway, Hilary Clinton being a ball breaking lesbian, the war in Iraq is just, Mayor Workman is a victim of politics. What a bunch of horse shit. I wish they would just shut their stupid mouths and let me work in peace. Yeah, I know Utah is a conservative place, but Christ, can’t anyone here think for themselves? Doesn’t anyone hear the news (not FOX News, of course) and think, “Hmm, something may be wrong here..” Not at my work. I’ve come up with a solution. The next time I hear about what a socialist Michael Moore is, I’m going to rear back and punch the motherfucker that says it right in their ass face. From what I’m gathering, conservatives love aggression, and I’m just the huckleberry to deal it out. I may go to jail, but I’ll feel like a million bucks. Just thought I’d share.
Sincerely,
Sharon Carpineta

Sharon, 
I think you need to lay off the caffeine and get out of the fluorescent lights for a while. You’re headed for a stroke, or worse, and I wouldn’t want someone with your moxie to end up dead. I agree about the office politicking. Here’s my advice, rather than punching people, just exclaim, “Jesus DIED for YOU!” whenever they start their conversations. Not only will you be the office pariah, but you’ll also be the office nut case. You’ll never be bothered again.
SLUG

 

Dear Dickheads,
Barbie…What a slut. Who designed this plastic whore-doll that we are all supposed to aspire to? It wasn’t me! Is this really a good idea??? Anyone with a CHILD (male or female) may want to think twice before letting them play with this tiny effigy of a porn star/drag queen/stripper…take your pick. The same people that tart their daughters up for child pagents buy them Barbie dolls and then act surprised when their daughters and sons are found in a heap on the living room floor… dead of a drug overdose. What else? They are trying to live up to impossible expectations. It’s a slutty doll. In the real world Barbie is doomed to one occupation and one occupation only… Adult Entertainment…People don’t hire scientists that look like Barbie…it’s not a good look for a brainy job or even a non-brainy job. A cab driver that looked like Barbie would live for 5 minutes before she was discovered raped and strangled at the city dump…her cab stolen along with any money she had managed to make. I’m not sure what the answer is now…it may be too late. Barbie lives and breathes among us in the form of broken lives that rested on one dream…. marry a man with money. Barbie…what a whore.
Sincerely,
Jerry Walters

Jerry, 
You’re a fucked-up pervert. Quit looking at your sister’s dolls and get out of the house. Jesus, is this all you have to think about? I’d suggest you log off of the RockSalt.com and head outside for some air. Why not a nice hike? Why not some psychotherapy? Why don’t you never write again? Super.

SLUG

 

Dear Dickheads,
I’ve been looking at having a good time here in Salt Lake lately, and I just can’t find nothing to do. Instead of spending countless hours on The Rocksalt, my roomates and I have made a plan. We want to tackle every genre available in this little gem of a city. We did our research on the different cultures and styles and we want to try to fit in without being noticed. We heard about a show going down at the Urban Lounge. So we scurried down to Hot Topic and picked out some cool hipster clothes. We got a couple black wigs that had long bangs and blonde highlights so we could pose out with the best of them. When we arrived, we were amazed on how fast we made friends! We were drinking it up and laughing with the best of them. It was great! We were hipsters for a day and it was a blast!

Just last weekend we dressed up like goths and went to hang out at Area 51. We even practiced the glum facial expressions and developed an eye to spot a dark corner we could go hide in. It was alright. Not as fun as kickin’ it with the emo kids. The goths don’t seem to care which made it way easy to blend in with their kind.

Our next venture is a hard one. We are planning on dressing up as cowboys and trying to see if we can hang with the blue collar, shit kickin motherfuckers. But I’m told these guys don’t fuck around. I have my wranglers, my lasso, and a piece of wheat to chew on so I can look authentic when I ask the barkeep for a whiskey. Do you think we should do this excursion? Maybe I should go buy some chewin’ tobbaco first…
-SanDigga

Sandy,
Good luck with the rednecks. They’ll see right through your outfit and sodomize you right there in the Westerner parking lot. I’ve had a lot of experience with these people and if you can’t, from memory, detail every ATV made by Polaris for the last 10 years you’re sure to be proper fucked. I’d suggest losing the costume and hanging out at the gay bars, where you belong.

SLUG

 

Dear Dickheads,
Hey XXXStraightedgeXXX toughboys of SLC, you’re a bunch of fucking pussies. This is Luike from the band The Plot to Blow Up the Eiffel Tower. Remember last winter when you fucking faggots fronted your shit up against us and the Locust and got your fucking asses kicked? Or remember how you said that the next time we came to play you were going to bring even more of your boyfriends along and kick our asses then? Well where the fuck were you when we came to play at the Lo-Fi last month? Bitches. We even played a song we wrote for you called “SLC Hunk.” Get it? You and all your burly muscle-flexing dances in the mosh pit inspired it. I want to lick all of your assholes instead of fighting so next time we’re in your pansy Mormon town look us up and we’ll suck all of your dicks.
–Luike

Luike,
I’m sensing a lot of homosexual/straight edge tension lately. Maybe if these two scenes could meet on a “baby oil, tarp, naked wrestling on the floor” sort of level, we wouldn’t have these scene problems. I suggest a gay rodeo rendezvous. Ass kicking and ass licking can go hand in hand. Cowboy up!

SLUG

Dear Dickheads,

I have just one question, what in the Hell is “revival rock?”It sounds like something Rolling Stone or MTV might have come up with. Here’s what Random House has to say about the word “revival”: re.viv.al , n. 1. the act of reviving. 2. the state of being revived. 3. restoration to life, consciousness, vigor, strength, etc. So if that’s the case, where does rock need reviving from? (Other than mainstream media attention, which I for one feel it’s better off without.) I mean, if I had a time machine, I could go back to every year from 1954 onwards and find loads of kickass rock’n’roll bands. So Kevlar, please I’m dieing to know.

Sincerely,

A dedicated fan.

A dedicated fan of what? Grade school library class? Way to cite your fucking sources. This is the first research paper I’ve gotten in awhile. Why is a machine that washes clothes a washing machine and a machine that washes dishes a dishwasher? As soon as you figure that one out maybe you’ll realize how big of an idiot you are for building a time machine when there are tons of bands of a ‘certain genre’ that play old-style rock today. Suck it.

SLUG

 

Dear Dickheads,

Ghandi once said that you can judge a society on the way it treats it’s animals. I believe you can judge a society on the way it treats it’s local restaurant server. Considering your local server only earns $2.13 per hour (in the great state of Utah), you’d think that the clientelle would help out on the tipping end, but not in Salt Lake. 10% is the average tip around here and i’m not sure if it’s directly related to tithing or not. Lord knows you couldn’t tip your server more than your heavenly father, that would be utter blasphemy. What boggles my mind about bad tipping i.e. ($8 on $116 of food, beverage, and service for six people, which is roughly 6-7% tip) is that it shows a total and utter lack of compassion for other human beings. Note that i recieved the above tip on Father’s Day. So here i am, struggling like many other people my age, to earn enough money to further my career in college and get a degree but my fellow human beings refuse to help me out even on a noted holiday. The problem with tipping is that it’s not controlled and it’s not set in stone. You can leave as little or as much as you want. Well in my time of serving i’ve come to realize that most people faced with the moral choice of leaving a good tip or leaving you angry and confused as to what you did wrong, will happily do the latter. I suppose my real confusion isn’t as to what i did wrong, it’s simply this: when did humans stop the easy act of giving?

–Daryl McLaren

Did Gandhi ever say that you can judge a society by its biggest fucking crybaby? Yes, Daryl, you’re the only person in America that doesn’t get paid what you think you deserve. Hold on while I call the authorities to sort this one out. Good luck in college and “furthering your career” when you’re not even smart enough to quit your stupid shitty job and find another one. Welcome to the world, asshole.

SLUG

 

Dear Dickheads,

I THINK AFI IS THE BEST BAND OUT THERE. BUT THIER STYLE IS TURINING INTO SOMETHING IT SHOULDN’T. “THE ART OF DROWNING” AFI AND BEFORE IS WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR. BUT THE NEW CD “SING THE SORROW” IS MAKING THE BAND SOUND AND SEEM TO BE SOLD OUT. IT SEEMS LIKE AFI TURNING TO MTV, NOW THERE DOING IT FOR THE MONEY, POPULARITY, AND AIR TIME FOR THERE MUSIC VIDEOS. IM NOT DISSING THE BAND BECAUSE THEY ARE MY FAVORITE BAND. BUT I JUST WISH THEY WOULD STAY UNDERGROUND. AND I PERSONALY ASK THAT IF SLUG GETS A CHANCE TO TALK TO THE BAND AGAIN, TO ASK THEM WHY THEY ARE GOING THE MAIN STREEM DIRECTION AND NOT STAYING UNDERGROUND.

THANKS,

KYLE LEWIS,

MIDLAND, MICHIGAN

What?!?! You are crazy, man. AFI is AWESOME (in a lonely, desperate, heartfelt sort of way). Actually, I think A.F.I. is an acronym for “Afi’s Fucking Incredible” (incredibly filled with passion and emotion that tugs the chords of my hopeless black heart). Maybe if you paid the fifty bucks to become part of the Despair Faction you’d stop talking so much shit and appreciate the great band that they are and questioning their decisions (and as a bonus you get to be one of the kids chanting at the beginning of their next record). You’re the fucking sellout, jerk.

SLUG

Dear Dickheads, I have heard a rumor that corporate stores around town, like Media Play, have threatened their employees with being fired if they are caught shopping at locally owned music storesApparently, these corporate pieces of shit have no qualms about sending their preppie-clothed, coffee-and-bagel-eating dumbshit “spies” into local stores. These “spies” come in with their little clipboards and totally bogus “I’m just seein’ whatcha got!” attitude, then leave in about one or two minute’s time, of course, with no CDs. These “undercover” idiots are about as inconspicuous as an undercover police car or George Bush “winning” the election again. I’m guessing they don’t even know who Slayer or Skinny Puppy are, let alone anything more recent. What this all comes down to is that these corporate stores fear! Fuck you, Media Play! You’ll never know real music—so send your spies, make your threats, and EAT SHIT!!! Fuck off and die now, please! Thank you! –Outraged Store Dictator

Dear Outraged Store Dictator,
The best line of your letter was “corporate stores fear.” They do fear, O.S.D. That’s important to remember as you face yet another bleak day of low sales, little appreciation and graffiti being sprayed on your windows after hours. Why are corporate stores threatened by small, independent businesses? Why do they even take the time of day to see you as competition? Because they know they’re walking a tightwire–they don’t have to worry about convincing dumb, unaware consumers to shop at their fluorescent-lighted, sterile stores–those people automatically will. What they’re really trying to go after are the smart, aware consumers–the ones who choose to shop at small, independent stores like yours for specialty items, to be around employees who know their shit, or moral reasons. They’re in competition with you because they have to work hard at fooling people, or at the very least, finding out your secrets and specialty items and knowledge and bringing it to their store. The one thing, though, they can’t fool those aware customers about is the fact that they don’t have a soul. They want to win over every single consumer out there, and that’s the one thing they can pretend to have, but they know that most aware consumers can see through. That’s why they’re threatened by you, Outraged. Be proud. 

 

Dear Dickheads,
I hate how you guys think your so cool and the shit and every one licks your boots and like your the king of Salt Lake or some shit like that. I hate your attitude you guys better get a chill pill and stop acting like such egomaniacs and thinking you rule this town because its not true I can tell u right now. –Better than that
Dear Better Than That,
Go fuck yourself and die.