Mike Brown looks confused while playing hockey.

Mike Brown: Hockey! What Do We Name The Team?


Whoa! So we got a hockey team! It feels like Small Lake City is finally growing up and going through puberty. Part of the puberty process is getting pubes, and I feel like all the stupid downtown condos and now a hockey team are Salt Lake’s metaphorical pubes. We still aren’t fully developed, but like I did when I got my pubes, it’s important to name them.

Before I get into what we should name the team, and I really don’t have many creative options because I don’t care that much about hockey, I do want to take a minute to talk about Ryan Smith, the current Jazz owner who got the hockey team here. So, like, he’s a billionaire, and he’s gonna have us, the taxpayers, pay for the arena, and appease us by letting us pick some shitty name? Billionaires should never ask us peasants for money, in any kind of way, in my opinion.  If the hockey team is your new toy, fine, but you fucking pay for it.  

Okay, that being said, by the time this article drops there may already be a name for our new hockey team, which we got from Arizona. Now, Arizona has very little business having a hockey team—that place is a desert and hot as shit. Salt Lake actually has snow and hosted a Winter Olympics one time. Also, the headquarters from my last job that just fired me and a bunch of other people is in Phoenix, so fuck you. So I kind of have to take back a little bit about what I said in my last paragraph about Ryan Smith, and say props, man! I still don’t want to pay for it, though.

So, as far as the name goes, my first inclination for the name was the SALT LAKE C-GOALS! Because of our ironic state bird, which is actually the California Seagull, but like, hockey guys are supposed to score goals, right? So that’s my pick and I’m sticking with it. As far as hockey in general goes, I honestly don’t know too much about it. Although my best friend Mike Abu still plays hockey. Slap Shot, starring Paul Newman and the Hanson brothers, is one of the best sports movies ever. And I do respect a proper hockey fight. Slapshot is also still one of my favorite straight edge bands and the Hanson brothers ruled in that movie. So maybe a good name is the Salt Lake Slap Shots? Or the Utah Hanson Bros?

See, the one thing I do know about hockey is that some of the team names are actually super cool. Like the Nashville Predators (again, one of the best movie series ever) and the Atlanta Thrashers. The Golden Knights in Vegas is kind of a weird one to me. Like, that would fit the Mormon narrative here, I think, but I guess that name is taken.   

I have gone to a couple Grizzlies games at the Maverick Center, and they are fun as fuck! There’s almost always a fight, like a proper hockey fight, and it’s just fun. I even had the opportunity to drink some beers with some Grizzly players once, and they where nice as fuck. And also gigantic. I can’t imagine how big the Major League hockey players are or how much beer they can drink.

So I guess overall, I’m pretty stoked we are getting a hockey team. I’ll be honest though, I don’t care right now what we name it. Call it the Salt Lake Butt Slut Shit Stains for all I care. But if they win a championship before the Jazz do, like Real Salt Lake did, I will be bummed and a little more mad at Ryan Smith.

Either way, let’s go hockey!

Read more from the enigmatic brain of Mike Brown:
Mike Brown: Air Guitar!
Mike Brown: My First Legal Beer!