Mike Brown’s Fashion Do’s and Don’ts

Fashion. It’s important. Without fashion, we would all just be naked. In order to quantify the importance of this issue, I consulted with my life coach, Kirk Jamison. He is an Australian helicopter pilot who has also co-founded many successful MLM businesses (such as Kangaroos for Kids). He also has several investments in Flock cameras, and his staff retreats are the best!  We get free ice cream. He doesn’t judge me, but he did suggest that I approach this topic of fashion seriously.

So we started a square table — a table where I could exchange valuable information with other fashion experts. I didn’t want to get things wrong for this panel, and I feel like the exchange of ideas on fashion was pretty good.

Seeing how I hadn’t gone through my humiliation ritual with Jamison yet, which is standard practice in his world, I was nervous at our first square table meeting about fashion. We properly exchanged our correct pronouns and did a five-minute land acknowledgment to get things started. Then the first thing I brought up was pants.

I feel like pants are an important component of fashion. The square table deliberated for a while over pants, like bell bottoms, floods, skinny jeans and what was a “do” versus what was a “don’t” in today’s current fashion climate. But I had another perspective to bring to the group.

A few weeks ago, I was wearing pants while walking home from work. I had a couple of drinks and thought I was fine. But then, there was a rumbling in my belly halfway through the walk. I’ve felt this rumbling before: the kind of rumbling and fear that lets you know your bowels are not on your side. I thought I could fend off this beast. But no. I ruined a nice pair of underwear my girlfriend got me for Christmas.

Anyway, when I brought this up at the square table of fashion, we deliberated fairly and all decided that crapping your pants is a definite fashion don’t. No matter how much you like GG Allin, poop is gross; it ruins pants and without pants there’s less fashion. I guess I had to learn that the hard way.

I asked Jamison if that could count as my humiliation ritual before he would be willing to invest in my defunct LLC. He said no, so now I have no idea what’s in store for me in the future, but that’s a separate issue.  Next, let’s talk about shirts. They are pretty cool when you think about it. The square table and I agreed that wearing a shirt is generally a fashion DO!

Finally, we at the square table debated about fishnets a lot. I think they are pretty cool, but seriously, has anyone ever gone fishing with them or actually caught a fish with fishnets? So why do they even call them fishnets? The square table agreed: Fishnets are a fashion DO!

Other than that, there are so many aspects to the world of fashion that I don’t quite understand. I’m bad at doing laundry, and I tend to just wear the same shit over and over again, but now that I think about it, doing laundry is an important part of fashion. Laundry is a fashion DO!

Read more from SLUG columnist Mike Brown here:
Mike Brown: Gen Z Isn’t Getting Drunk
Mike Brown: Artificial Intelligence!