Princess Kennedy’s Trantastic Guide to Being Gay Trash – May 2009
Did you ever think spring was going to get here? It’s finally May and the count down begins until Gay Pride weekend. The time of year when the gay revel in the streets, throwing caution to the wind. Oh, right, I forgot that’s everyday for us. It’s a weekend for our straight supporters to do that. I’m here with a guide to get your gay on. From lingo to parties, I got your back gurl—You’ll need to do a little research. Luckily you have an entire month.
Movie night: Go get the original Grey Gardens documentary and any John Waters flick, watch them a couple times, and try to recite lines from them in every conversation, but only when being witty. Be overtly familiar (just touch everybody inappropriately). Call everyone “Miss Thing” or “Marry (spoken Meehry)” and everything that’s not fierce is flawed. See, easy.
Culture: You want to go to the Peaches concert at In the Venue on May 26 and TranSister at Urban Lounge on May 21. Try at least one sexual act with the partner of your choice in a bathroom stall … just get comfortable with it. Read SLCDirt.com daily and start caring—these are the gays of our lives.
Attire: Keep it very simple and unisexy. You can opt for matching shirts, which is the gay version of “I’m with stupid” or go for the “flaming gay” look with colored butt huggers from American Apparel, a feather boa, and electrical tape Xs over your nipples. Start your diet of vodka, cocaine, the gym and tanning booths now. You’re set!
Now what to do and where to go? You, for sure, want to go out every night from Thursday, June 4 until you can barely function on Sunday, June 6 (take Monday off). Of course, getting the info from the gay promoters this early was like asking them to clean their bathrooms. What I didn’t, or couldn’t, find out, I’ll fill with rumor and speculation (which is one of our favorite past times).
Thursday, June 4: Like every weekend, you want to start at Dance Evolution at the Trapp Door. It’s always a good party and a great mix of people that all look gay. DJ/DC’s one concern is having a good time. Last year he brought us Jer Ber Jones for an amazing kick off. This year promises to be no exception. Although I can’t disclose who they hope for because of contract, I think a perfect match would be Le Tigre, Crazy Girl or Dirty Sanchez (maybe next year). Whatever happens DJ/DC will be hitting the decks and making sure we have a great commencement.
Friday ALL DAY, June 5: Get Gay Baby!
Saturday Afternoon, June 6: The SLUG gay pride party! We have exciting weekend plans, and we invite you to spend them with us. We’ll have a float and plan on the personal theme of Loud and Proud. We need YOU in our procession. In order to do that, you have to come to a party at my pad. We want our readers and friends to come with their bicycles, skateboards, and scooters to swarm our float and give the gays SLUG schwage. If you want to be part of SLUG’s Pride Float you need to come to the float decorating party in my backyard. The Fucktards will be playing on Punk Rock Island—a stage I have set up in the river that runs through my backyard. No worries, it’s right downtown. This will go from 2 p.m. ‘til dusk. If you’d like to be a float volunteer, email me at the address above to be added to the list. You will also need to purchase a t-shirt with our official pride logo for $5 (they can be picked up at the party).
Pink Saturday Night, June 6: There are two places to choose from. The party at Bliss, Babylon will definitely be the best. George Jaramillo has been going above and beyond to bring the best of the gay stage. This party will tout house DJ Craig Robin, L.A. DJ Derek Montiero and live performance by mega super slut Jeffree Star. Rage at The Depot hadn’t booked anyone yet. The rumor-mill a couple months ago was they were looking into Lady Gaga. Before you freak out, I doubt she was even available. At least you can club hop and see what they do.
Gay Pride Day, Sunday, June 7: Up at the butt crack of dawn to be part of our lineup at the celebration itself. We’re going to have Muscle Hawk on our float to get us in the mood! After your tour around Washington Square Park, follow the trail of feathers and glitter to any of the gay bars. They are all fun and take the party well into the night.
There you have it Miss Thing, you’re on your way to being Queen for the day. Unless your feather boa has completely molted and eyeliner is running down your face, then youíve done it all wrong. Keep your arms and legs in the dumpster at all times, hold on tight, and a have a gay old time.