So let me start off by saying that I know nothing about martial arts, nor the people who can beat me up using them. By dark side, I’m talking about the time I was forced to learn Tae Kwon Do against my will in junior high. I’ve heard and seen in movies how serious ninjas can be, so I mean no disrespect to such warriors.

However, I do have a friend who currently lives in San Francisco now that went to High school with a kid who started a ninja web site, The web site was intended to be a big joke, portraying how cool it would be to be a ninja through the eyes of an eight-year-old, even though the webmaster was 18 at the time; It’s kind of like when an adult writes a children’s book.

So this web site would have funny blogs on it about how radical it is to kick a bunch of peoples asses with different ninja weapons and how much fun it is to be a ninja.

And through the web sites success, my friend’s friend wrote a ninja book that sold pretty well. All was seemingly good, but apparently this website intended, for entertainment purposes, offended real life ninjas. The webmaster would get loads of e mails a day, some from kids whom aspired to be ninjas themselves, but mostly from disgruntled real life ninjas, saying shit like, “You clearly have no idea what it’s like to be a ninja! How dare you mock us!” and vowing to destroy the webmaster and so on (as far as I know the webmaster was never attacked, which is probably a good thing because I don’t think he knows one lick of Karate).

Everything I know about Karate I learned from Mr. Miagi and Ralph Machio, Karate Kids I and II (Karate Kid III can suck a dick), and what some Tae Kwon Do dickhead tried to teach us in my ninth grade PE class.

I hate PE. I still hate running laps; to me the best part about being a grown up is buying my own beer and not running laps.

Anyway, I hate it when people are really good at something and they think that gives them the right to think they are better than other people. I have a profound respect for humility. Somehow, my junior high school thought it would be a good idea to have some martial arts dickhead, who fits the above mentioned description, teach my ninth grade class the basics of Tae Kwon Do.

This guy would show up twice a week and make us stand in stupid poses and stuff like that. During one class I decided to talk back to him. I can’t remember what I said (because there is no possible way I can remember every insult that I’ve ever given to a junior high teacher) but he made me hold this rectangular punching bag thing.

And then the fucker jump kicked the pad I was holding and sent me flying in front of the whole class. I felt no shame; he had a black belt for one thing (besides I’m sure I’m way cooler than he is).

His arrogance proved to be his down fall. During a pep rally, Mr. Tae Kwon Do was to perform a stunt to show off his skills and get the student body psyched. The intended stunt was to have him do a jump-kick over four students on their hands and knees, breaking a piece of wood held by another student at the end of the row of kids.

He got a running start and I’ll never forget what happened next: running full speed, he tripped over Emily Bradley, who was the first person kneeling down, and tumbled over all the other kids. Needless to say, he didn’t break the piece of wood and Emily started crying; rightfully so – I might add – he socked her good! I don’t know if she ever sued the school or not, but I would have.

I was bummed to see Emily hurt because she was always a cool chick, but I was definitely laughing on the inside. Watching Mr. Tae Kwon Do fuck-up so bad after what he had done to me earlier that week was one of the best things to happen to me in junior high. I didn’t learn shit about self-defense or bettering myself through Martial Arts from Mr. Tae Kwon Do. All I learned from him is that sometimes revenge is uncalculated, cold and sweeter than all the virgin pussy on this great earth.