Mike Brown: Crazy Crazy Cats

Illustration: Manuel Aguilar

It’s no secret that I love my cat Jet Pack. I used to hate cats. I still hate most cats. Most cats are selfish pretentious dicks. They think they know everything and can do whatever the fuck they want. Sounds like most hipsters I know. I bet if cats listened to music their record collections would totally suck.

But Jet Pack? Nope, he’s awesome and here’s why. He hates other cats, but likes people. I hate it when cats are afraid of people. It’s so funny to watch Jet Pack go outside and smack up one of my neighbor’s cats. He also shits outside. I don’t have to clean up a litter box, thus eliminating that weird cat smell. He drinks out of the toilet too, so practically all I need to do to take care of him is keep his Friskies bowl filled.

Jet Pack is basically the most low maintenance pet ever. And that’s important to me because I’m lazy. I can’t even have plants in my house because I can’t remember to water them. The last betta fish (named Gary Glitter) that my roommate and I tried to keep as a pet? Well, don’t ask how long that fish lasted.

Funny thing is that I didn’t even want Jet Pack. My girlfriend at the time insisted on getting a cat. Dan Rose, legendary drunk and Fucktards guitarist, gave me the name before I got the cat. So I told my lady that we could get a cat, but I got to name it and pick it out. She said that it had to be black. Deal.

So we went to the kitty prison with the intentions of just window shopping some pussy. I don’t know how anyone can go to that place and not come home with a caged up pet. You’d have to be a total sociopath. Since I’m only a partial sociopath, I started auditioning kitties to see who fit the name Jet Pack. They have this little room there where you can take cats in for a quick conjugal visit. After pulling about five or six cats out of their cages, I finally found Jet Pack. All black, furry and friendly.

I walked up to the counter and said, “Lady, I want this cat, do I have to sign something or what?” The lady at the counter was more than hesitant to let a tattooed male walk away with an all black cat a couple weeks away from Halloween. She put me through a series of questions testing my cat raising abilities such as, “Have you ever had a cat? Do you live in a house or apartment? What will you do if he jumps on the counter?”

I’m thinking, “Fuck you lady! Give me the fucking cat! I’m not going to kill and eat it and so what if I did? YOU guys are just going to kill it!” Finally they let me have Jet Pack. I would never kill and eat a cat though. And I know that killing animals has got to be the hardest part of their job, I just don’t like being profiled as a cat molester. Water under the bridge, I guess.

I have a lot of respect for what the employees of the Humane Society and No More Homeless Pets have to do. It makes me feel like all you fashion vegans can go eat a bowl of cow dicks until you volunteer there, or do what my buddy Dave (not his real name) does and start a feral cat community.

When I was first told by my buddy Dave that he had 53 cats, I thought he was kidding. He invited me out to his property to check it out. I had to see this. I learned a lot about crazy cat people that day. Some of them aren’t old ladies. And some of them aren’t crazy.

Let’s get educational for a minute. I had no fucking idea what a feral cat was. And I think I’m pretty smart so most of you dumbasses reading this probably don’t know either. A feral cat is a stray cat that has basically reverted back to rolling in packs. Undomesticated, these bad boys don’t snuggle up on your lap or dance in commercials. They are like the badass gangsters of cats—raised on the streets and tough as shit—minus the selling crack and pimping to survive. Cats can’t hustle catnip to each other, but I think it would be funny if they could.

If you have the space like Dave does, here’s how you start a feral cat community. He’s been working with No More Homeless Pets for over 10 years with a program called Trap, Neuter, Return. You can get a safe trap and snag a tomcat, which is a cat looking to fuck and making those god-awful noises you hear around 1 a.m. Tomcats are responsible for creating more homeless kitties. The overall concept behind the program is that it’s a lot healthier to spay a stray than try and feed it.

Instead of domesticating it (because you probably can’t at this point), you can build the feral stray a kitty condo and let it live outside like a bad ass. Dave had a bunch of kitty condos at his cat commune—it took a lot of work for him to get his whole colony contained—meaning spayed and neutered.

I don’t have a high enough word count to explain how to build a kitty condo. So if you are interested, you should go to utahpets.org or 1-866-UTAHPETS and tell them that you are not that crazy and want a bunch of feral cats in your yard. If I didn’t have an apartment, I’d do it. And don’t you just want to be like me?

[Editors Note: If Mike Brown spent less time writing about his cat Jet Pack, he would have had room to explain how to build a kitty condo.]

Illustration: Manuel Aguilar