Mike Brown: Stupid Stupid Bernard

Disclaimer: The following story is all true. The author, however, regardless of how much he likes to drink himself, does not condone the actions of Bernard. In fact, the author specifically told Bernard that he was going to make him look like a giant asshole with the publishing of this article, and Bernard approved. Hopefully — Bernard won’t stab the author in a drunken rage, as he is prone to pulling out his knife these days.

Illustration By: Dexter Point

I was going to write about how stupid Christmas is, but I’ve done that for like the last three SLUG X-mas articles in a row. As I was about to write this, this guy Bernard (name changed) started telling me about his blackout this weekend, and I thought it was a better story. So instead of anything ‘christmas-ee,’ here’s a holiday story about Bernard’s Blackout.

At about 3p.m last Friday, Bernard and Maxx (name changed) walk down to the wine store, because some taxi driver told Bernard that there was wine on clearance. Which turned out to be an all-out lie. The only wine on clearance was Salmon Creek, which Bernard says is always on clearance.

So Bernard and Maxx buy a bottle of Salmon Creek, cork it, and start walking toward the Avenues liquor store. Bernard says that the only purpose for buying the wine was to pound it on the walk to the liquor mart in the Aves. (my favorite liquor store, by the way, hardly any bums there, and I hate bums. I think they don’t go there because they would have to walk up a hill to get there and bums are lazy.)

Bernard and Maxx proceed to walk up B Street, which Bernard describes as, “Wicked Steep!”

When they get to the Liquor store, they each buy a bottle of port, which is their drink of choice. Bernard also buys two bottles of Popov vodka. Then Bernard and Maxx walked to the cemetery in the Aves while drinking their bottles of port.

Bernard and Maxx leave the cemetery around dusk, and meet up with Stu, who lives in the Trash Pit, (the notorious party house on 200 South, founded by the Iceburn guys a while ago, having a rotating cast of vagabonds and wasteoids ever since).

While at the Trash Pit, someone gets the bright idea to go to Gallery Stroll, Bernard is thinking, “Fucking A! Free wine!” The thinking process of a true wastoid was starting to make the gears in his booze-soaked brain turn.

So they go to some gallery where a magnum of wine was just emptied. Bernard asks if they had any more wine and they told him no, probably because they could tell Bernard was wasted. So Bernard decides to go in the basement of this gallery and the gallery people think that Maxx and Bernard are gone and they crack open another bottle of wine.

Bernard sneaks up on the gallery people and exclaims, “Oh fuck-yeah!” much to the gallery’s chagrin.

So Bernard and Maxx finish their wine super fast, and Bernard starts talking about how he should steal some more paintings. Then they called some dude named Andy to pick them up, Bernard decides to walk into the middle of traffic to jump into Andy’s car.

Then Bernard and Maxx and Andy go into a pizza parlor and Bernard asks the pizza parlor employees what soda fountain drink that they have mixes with vodka the best? They suggest apple beer, which actually sounds kind of good. But Bernard opts for the lemonade.

As they are eating their pizza, Bernard tries to pour vodka into his cup but Maxx has to help his drunk ass. Oh, and Bernard steals the cup. But like an asshole, Bernard spills his lemonade cocktail all over himself. So Maxx pushes him outside and he falls on the sidewalk.

Bernard gets up and screams something in a drunken bellow, and they continue on their gallery stroll.

This is where Bernard blacks out, so the rest of the story is all the shit that Maxx and Andy tell him the rest of what he did the next day.

Jeff meets some 16-year-old girl who is drinking wine out of a McDonald’s cup, and has a drunk conversation about how everyone in the world is German somehow. I guess that made sense to them.

Then Maxx started doing an impression of Maxx and making fun of him to random people walking by, and somehow a three-legged dog walks by. Bernard suggests that they kick the dog. Bernard then gets asked to leave the Gallery Stroll (again) for suggesting they steal paintings.

So they go to a bar, that no one wanted to go to but Bernard. Bernard persuades Maxx and Andy into the bar by buying them drinks. Bernard then finds the drunkest girl in the bar, who was almost as drunk as him, and they lean on each other.

The next thing Bernard remembers, vaguely, is that they end up at some house party that Maxx’s girlfriend was at. Bernard walks up to the houseparty DJ, who said he was “about to go on” in the basement. So Bernard and Maxx are standing at the top of the stairs charging five bucks for entry into the basement (asshole).

Then Bernard slurs, “I have made so much money off these assholes!” which undoubtedly upset the party hosts.

So Maxx lets Bernard know that he’s pissing people off and shit was about to hit the fan. And Maxx drags him out of the party. But Bernard insists he has to “finish shit” at the party, so he pulls out his knife.

So Maxx and Andy Grab him again and shove him in the car. At some point in the car, Bernard tells them that he needs to go back home to his van that he lives in, that’s parked in the Avenues (probably by the liquor store).

And he’s like 20 blocks away. So Bernard goes, “Let me out right here!” and jumps out of the car. But Bernard’s drunken retarded-ness starts walking south, instead of north.

When Bernard finally figures out he’s lost, he calls a cab to come get him and take him back to his van/home. Bernard wakes up in his van with his van keys missing and his knife in his pocket, unsheathed, so he potentially could have passed out on his knife and stabbed himself.

The next morning Bernard got to find out all about his shenanigans and what a dick he was.