Dear Dickheads – June 2010

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Dearest, Darlingest Dickheads,
Mike Brown’s recent article has brought to my attention that there are Juggalos out there that are curious about the nature and physics of magnets. A simple Google search turned up the relevant information in a Wikipedia article.  I’ve posted this information to several Juggalo forums (and elsewhere on the internet) already and got banned for it =(. Nevertheless I think that Juggalos need to know this High School level science. The following is a rough translation of a Wikipedia article into layman terms:

A fucking magnet produces a fucking magnetic field. The fucking magnetic field is fucking invisible (which makes it a motherfucking miracle and shit) and is responsible for creating the most notable fucking property of a fucking magnet: a motherfucking force that pulls other ferro-fucking-magnetic materials like fucking iron and attracts or repels other fucking magnets depending on which fucking pole the other fucking magnet is pointing to. If you get some crazy shit with lots of rotating electrons, usually the electrons pair up and cancel each other out but some weird fucking metals have extra unpaired electrons (kinda like when you cheat on your girl)! When they all fucking spin the same way, they all distort the fucking universe in the same way and you get a motherfucking magnetic field. BAM! Its special fucking relativity bitches!
However, ICP seems to think that all of this is bullshit because it’s what scientists believe. Ya’ll know them fools is lyin’!

Stay handsome Dickheads!
-Critter

Dear Critter,
We’ve all seen the ICP “Miracles” video, had a good laugh and sent it to all of our Facebook friends, but Jesus Christ, enough is enough. It’s incredibly easy and incredibly unoriginal to make fun of Juggalos and their lack of understanding of magnets, rainbows and long-neck giraffes (by far the preferred type of giraffe among Juggalos), but the world really needs more people willing to brave the Faygo-drenched pits of ignorance and drag out ill-informed Juggalos by their hatchet-man necklaces.  We may be the most Juggalo-friendly publication in town (not really by choice, but hey, we’ll take it), but sending your “educational” letters to us is a total pussy move. If you really wanna be part of the solution rather than one of the millions of boring-ass Juggalo shit-talkers, take your message to where it’s needed the most: the downtown library.  The library is a hotbed of Juggalo activity and general ignorance, and rather than taking the half-assed explanation of magnetism above (which I’m pretty sure you don’t really understand), you could utilize the library’s vast collection of Juggalo-friendly books to teach yourself and your new facepaint-wearing pals all kinds of science-y shit. I recommend starting downstairs in the kids’ section, not only because the books are easier to understand, but because there’s some bomb-ass napping spots and your Juggalo pupils can take frequent bathroom/weed breaks and cruise the internet for Jugalette porn in between study sessions. And seriously, who the fuck knows how magnets really work?